Nicole Richie overheard

An employee at a Hollywood club writes in saying they overheard Nicole Richie and her friends making fun of Cameron Diaz's terrible skin and weird smile.

Okay, so I work at a club in Hollywood and Nicole Richie and a few of her friends came in and were hanging out and partying a few nights ago. Nicole was overheard putting in her two cents when Cameron Diaz's name was mentioned. Nicole said: " She (cameron) dresses like a scumbag, she's a hot mess." A petite brunette chick with N.R. added, "Her acne looks really bad." Nicole said: She doesn't even try to cover up the blotches or anything like that...she's no Britney that's for damn sure. Justin could've gotten MUCH better cuz he's still hot." Brunette chick: cameron's gettin' up there in age, don't know why he wants an old fuc$kin' broad like that." The last thing I heard was about C.D. mouth lookin' like the Joker when she smiles, think a 3rd girl made that comment either way it got N.R. whole table dying laughing.

I don't know about the acne thing, but that Joker comment is spot on. If they ever plan on bringing the Joker back into the Batman franchise, they should seriously consider cutting off the bottom half of Cameron Diaz's face and surgically attaching it to whoever is going to be playing the Joker. Although then they'd be left with an even better villain: Half-Face Girl. Get it? Because she has half a face. Man, coming up with villain names should be my full-time job.

Courtney Love denies pregnancy

Courtney Love has denied reports that she's pregnant with Steve Coogan's baby and her management has released an official statement saying, "Courtney Love wishes to make it clear that she denies recent stories suggesting she is pregnant or has had a relationship with Steve Coogan. She confirms that she and Steve are good friends and have met a few times in Los Angeles." The world can let out a collective sigh of relief now, knowing that a child won't be in the care of America's craziest woman. I'm not saying Courtney would make a bad mother, I just wouldn't be surprised if she killed her child by accidentally feeding it heroin because she was too drunk, high, or stupid to know any better. Plus she takes her clothes off in public a lot, which is something you really want mothers to be doing. And by mothers I mean Petra Nemcova.

Scarlett Johansson is a liar

According to photographers that witnessed the accident, Scarlett Johansson's car crash near Disneyland had nothing to do with being chased by the paparazzi.

"When she was driving in to the parking lot, she was going very, very slow - maybe about 15 miles per hour - and she started veering to the left. It was almost like when you drop something on the car floor and you try to pick it up. Or she could've been busy talking with the two friends she had in her car. I couldn't see what was going on inside of the car, but from the outside I could see that she wasn't at all being chased when she hit the other lady's car. The parking lot is confusing because it's very busy, so maybe she was unsure of whether she wanted to turn left or right. I'm guessing that because she veered to the left, she was unable to see the other car - the only other vehicle at the parking lot entrance at that time - from her blindside. That's when she slowly slammed into the other car. The nearest cars to them at the time of the accident were at least 40 yards away, and none of them contained paparazzi. It was just regular oncoming traffic. I know, because there was another set of photographers that with the traffic at the stoplights. I'm sure Disneyland has video cameras at its entrance to prove that this is what happened. To be honest, we'd have been happier snapping pictures of Scarlett on the rides with her friends. We never in a million years thought we'd end up taking shots of a road accident, and obviously that's not what we set out to do. We were as surprised as everyone else, because everything was in such a slow motion when the cars hit each other."

So it looks like Scarlett Johansson crashed her car, saw the paparazzi pop out and start taking pictures, and decided to make up an excuse that she was trying to escape them. As beautiful as she is, that's just plain lame. Nobody likes the paparazzi, but that doesn't mean you can just blame them for stuff that isn't their fault. It's like when you make a huge fart in the elevator and then tell everybody it was the fat guy next to you. Sure he's fat and everybody will be like, "Oh, the fat guy farted again," but that doesn't make it okay. Hilarious maybe, but not okay.

Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt divorced

A judge has signed off on Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's divorce, though their marriage won't officially be over until October 2 - six months after the divorce papers were served by Aniston. Additionally, legal papers obtained by Extra reveal that neither Jennifer nor Brad has asked for alimony and their Beverly Hills mansion has been put up for sale. This seems like a pretty amicable separation, though there's really no reason for it to be. If my husband was having sex with Angelina Jolie, not only would I try to take every penny that he was worth, I'd also make sure that his testicles were accidentally crushed by a swinging golf club.

Jessica Alba likes old gross people

This is horribly disturbing, but Jessica Alba has admitted that she's into old and disgusting men. When asked about her ideal dream partners, she replied, "Morgan Freeman, Sean Connery, Robert Redford, Michael Caine. I have this thing for older men. They've been around and know so much." I guess now would be a good time to let Jessica know that I'm actually a filthy rich actor who's 98-years old. Not that it matters though, because I could never be with a woman whose ideal lover is Morgan Freeman. That's like saying my ideal car is a trash can with wheels attached. It might be awesome for the first day or so, but then you'd realize that it drives like crap and it's a fucking trash can.

Nicole Richie nipple slip at Cabana Club

I defy you to look at these pictures of Nicole Richie at the Cabana Club and say she doesn't look fabulous. That oddly oversized head, those wiry limbs; don't even pretend that you've never dreamed about having sex with a real life extraterrestrial before. I've seen the way you watch E.T. with your pants down. You can't hide it from me.

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Courtney Love is pregnant

Courtney Love and Steve Coogan reportedly had a two-week fling and now Courtney claims that she is pregnant with his child. This is fantastic news, because I've always said that Courtney Love would make a great mother and is totally capable of taking care of a human baby. Oh wait, that wasn't me. That was nobody. See, because Courtney Love is the biggest mess of a woman that the world has ever seen, and my bowl of cereal could take better care of a child than she could.

Jenny McCarthy files for divorce

Jenny McCarthy and her husband John Asher have filed for divorce after almost six years of marriage, citing irreconcilable differences. I guess that's what happens when your husband is trying to direct a movie and all you do is insist on doing nude scenes (NSFW). Maybe Jenny could have saved their marriage if she had tried to push some graphic vaginal penetration into the movie along with the nude stuff. The only thing husbands like more than having other men see their wives nude is having other men see their wives having sex. On screen. With other men.

Madonna still likes horses

Madonna says she's eager to return to horse-riding despite breaking a bunch of bones last week when she was thrown from her horse. She's been warned by doctors that her injuries, which include a broken hand and three cracked ribs, could take three months to heal, but says, "I am grateful and overwhelmed by everyone's good wishes. As soon as the doctors give me the OK, I expect to be right back on a horse and ride again." If I was thrown off a horse and broke a bunch of my bones, I wouldn't try to get back on and ride it after I healed. Instead, I'd hunt down that son of a bitch and kick him in the nuts. And then I'd call his mom a dirty whore and sleep with his sister. Although now that I think about it, his sister is probably also a horse, so maybe not. Unless, of course, she's really hot and has huge horse boobs.