Nicole Richie nipple slip at Cabana Club

I defy you to look at these pictures of Nicole Richie at the Cabana Club and say she doesn't look fabulous. That oddly oversized head, those wiry limbs; don't even pretend that you've never dreamed about having sex with a real life extraterrestrial before. I've seen the way you watch E.T. with your pants down. You can't hide it from me.

Thanks to Brian for the images.

Courtney Love is pregnant

Courtney Love and Steve Coogan reportedly had a two-week fling and now Courtney claims that she is pregnant with his child. This is fantastic news, because I've always said that Courtney Love would make a great mother and is totally capable of taking care of a human baby. Oh wait, that wasn't me. That was nobody. See, because Courtney Love is the biggest mess of a woman that the world has ever seen, and my bowl of cereal could take better care of a child than she could.

Jenny McCarthy files for divorce

Jenny McCarthy and her husband John Asher have filed for divorce after almost six years of marriage, citing irreconcilable differences. I guess that's what happens when your husband is trying to direct a movie and all you do is insist on doing nude scenes (NSFW). Maybe Jenny could have saved their marriage if she had tried to push some graphic vaginal penetration into the movie along with the nude stuff. The only thing husbands like more than having other men see their wives nude is having other men see their wives having sex. On screen. With other men.

Madonna still likes horses

Madonna says she's eager to return to horse-riding despite breaking a bunch of bones last week when she was thrown from her horse. She's been warned by doctors that her injuries, which include a broken hand and three cracked ribs, could take three months to heal, but says, "I am grateful and overwhelmed by everyone's good wishes. As soon as the doctors give me the OK, I expect to be right back on a horse and ride again." If I was thrown off a horse and broke a bunch of my bones, I wouldn't try to get back on and ride it after I healed. Instead, I'd hunt down that son of a bitch and kick him in the nuts. And then I'd call his mom a dirty whore and sleep with his sister. Although now that I think about it, his sister is probably also a horse, so maybe not. Unless, of course, she's really hot and has huge horse boobs.

Scarlett Johansson crashes car

Scarlett Johansson crashed into a woman and her two daughters last Friday while swerving to get away from paparazzi who were chasing her near Disneyland, California. An eyewitness said, "The front of Scarlett's Mercedes damaged the side of the other car pretty badly. Scarlett looked really shaken up and when both cars pulled over in a safe spot, she apologised profusely to the other woman. After that, they spent around 40 minutes on their phones, sorting out all of their insurance and legal paperwork." Scarlett's publicist, Marcel Pariseau, confirmed, "The fender bender was induced by the paparazzi, who chased her for 45 minutes." This is why all celebrities should have rocket launchers installed into their cars like James Bond. Not only would it result in the action-packed deaths of paparazzi, it would also make for some pretty sweet entertainment for spectators. I challenge you to watch Scarlett Johanson blow up some paparazzi with her car rockets and not have a good time.

Jessica Alba makes poor decision

The NY Post reports that a sequel to The Fantastic Four is in the works, and everybody is set to reprise their role except for Jessica Alba. Instead, she has supposedly agreed to star a movie remake of I Dream of Jeannie with Jimmy Fallon. There's a pretty obvious joke here about Jessica Alba playing an invisible woman versus Jessica Alba playing a sexy genie who wears revealing outfits, but I'm just not clever enough to make it. I am, however, clever enough to masturbate to the idea of Jessica Alba wearing sexy genie outfits. In fact, I might be clever enough to do it twice.

Kirsten Dunst is pregnant

Rumors are spreading that Kirsten Dunst is pregnant, after she was photographed checking out prenatal vitamins with her sex lover, Jake Gyllenhaal. And believe me, I threw up three or four times just trying to type out that last sentence. I don't know if you know this, but Kirsten Dunst is horribly unattractive, so you can imagine my horror when I found out that somebody had enough sex with her to possibly get her pregnant. I'd imagine that after Jake did it with her once, he would have realized that putting his penis into a disgusting troll monster would be bad news. The only explanation I can come up with is that Kirsten Dunst faked her pregnancy after their first sex session and is holding it over Jake to get more loving. That's kind of stretching it though, since everybody knows humans and troll monsters can't have babies together. It would be like a monkey getting an alligator pregnant. An ugly, pebble-toothed, troll-faced alligator, who's supposedly 23 but looks 48.

Eminem is addicted to drugs

Eminem's publicist, Lauren Burns, announced yesterday that Eminem is "in the hospital under doctors' care. He is being treated for dependency on sleep medication." This is all following Eminem's announcement on Tuesday that he was canceling his European tour due to "exhaustion, complicated by other medical issues."

Unfortunately, sleeping pill addiction is the kind of drug addiction that old white politicians get, not hardcore gangster rappers. You don't see Snoop Dogg checking himself into a hospital because he likes tranquilizers, you see him smoking eight joints at once and then walking around stoned out of his mind, having sex with however many hos he can get his hands on. As if Eminem wasn't already the whitest rapper in the world, he has to be addicted to the whitest drug in the world, too? You'd think as a rapper he'd try to earn some street cred by doing marijuana or cocaine, not taking sleeping pills. I've lost all respect for his misogyny and gay bashing now. Never again can I look at a woman or a homosexual and think "I hate you because Eminem told me to."

Paris Hilton wears disguise

Page Six reports that Paris Hilton had a professional makeup artist spend three hours transforming her with a prosthetic nose and a red wig until she was completely unrecognizable, so that she could take her two brothers to Disneyland. And nobody can really blame her, because if people actually recognized her as Paris Hilton, they might think that it would be okay to just whip out their genitals and start having sex with her on the street. And while normally that would be okay, at a place like Disneyland that's just inappropriate.