Chrisopher Walken for President website a hoax

I guess it was too good to be true. According to Christopher Walken's publicist, the site announcing that he'll be seeking the U.S. presidency in 2008 is a hoax. His rep told Entertainment Tonight on Monday that the site is "100% not true," adding "[It] sounds like someone got a little too excited over his role as secretary of the Treasury in 'The Wedding Crashers' and now they want to make him president."

Saying I'm disappointed wouldn't be fair to my emotions. A more appropriate description would be to say that I'm so furious with rage that I murdered a Starbucks employee when he couldn't tell me who was responsible for the hoax and refused to bribe Christopher Walken into actually running for the Presidency. Plus, he totally screwed up my caramel macchiato and that's not okay.

Madonna breaks bones

According to her publicist, Madonna suffered several broken bones in a horse riding accident today that occurred at her country home outside London during her 47th birthday celebration. She was treated and released from a hospital after sustaining three cracked ribs, a broken collarbone and a broken hand, though none of this makes any sense, because Madonna is protected by the red string of power and should be able to walk on lava and maybe even take a bullet. Unless Kabbalah is a bunch of crap and doesn't actually bless or protect you, in which case I am shocked. Shocked and amazed.

Note: It's possible I have the red string of power confused with the Green Lantern's power ring, so if you happen to believe in Kabbalah and wear the red string, maybe you shouldn't try to walk on lava or take a bullet. Or maybe you should. Ya know, for the sake of science.

Eva Longoria is not ugly

I'd mention that she has a mole on her right butt-cheek, but I'm too busy removing my pants to bother with any of this "typing" nonsense.

Britney Spears donates money to Kabbalah

Madonna has persuaded Britney Spears to donate $32,000 to Spirituality For Kids, a Kabbalah club for children, so that her unborn baby will be accepted into the religion. A source tells The Daily Mirror, "Britney made the charity donation last month. Madonna suggested Spirituality For Kids because she thinks it's amazing. She has told her that introducing her baby to Kabbalah as soon as possible will be greatly beneficial to everyone involved in the child's upbringing. She thinks Madonna's a great role model and would never question her advice."

You know your life is destined for ridicule when you make Madonna your personal mentor and role model. I don't want to call her a crazy bitch, but the crazy bitch talks with a fake accent and supports Kabbalah juice. Even the hobo that lives down the street knows that Kabbalah juice is crap, and he drinks his own urine.

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher want baby

In a recent interview with Harper's Bazaar magazine, Demi Moore hinted that she and Ashton Kutcher were trying for a baby. When asked what the next step of her relationship would be, she replied, "The growth of our union. The growth of our family. Which is all the things we truly desire."

I'm not sure if Demi realizes this, but she's 42 and Ashton is 27. Last time I checked, a 15-year old girl having a baby with a 1-year old boy is pretty damn disgusting. And before you question my infallible reasoning skills, keep in mind that I have a Nobel prize in awesome, and that I'm never wrong.

Russell Crowe pays $11 million for telephone incident

The Daily Mail is reporting that Russell Crowe will pay $11 million to Nestor Estrada, the Mercer Hotel concierge he threw a telephone at back in June. If Nestor accepts the settlement, he'll have to give up news interviews and drop all the charges against Russell. If he doesn't accept, he'll officially be the dumbest concierge in all of concierge history. And considering I've seen a concierge actually defecate in a guest's suitcase before, you can be sure that means he would be pretty fucking stupid.

Let this be a lesson to all celebrities though. If you're going to throw a fit and attack a concierge with a telephone, make sure that you kill him. Otherwise you'll be forced to pay $11 million for something so trivial as throwing a telephone. I'm not saying Russell shouldn't be punished, I'm just saying $11 million seems a bit steep. For $11 million I'd probably let you throw three telephones at me, and maybe even a bowling ball.

Eva Longoria refused club entry

Eva Longoria reportedly threw a diva tantrum when she and her boyfriend, Tony Parker, were refused VIP entry to a Los Angeles nightclub. According to a witness, "She was demanding to be let in immediately. She was telling the doorman that she was a celebrity and wouldn't wait. But she was told, 'You're no exception here. You have to wait in line behind the other 100 people.'"

Eva's spokesperson insists she was only asking the doormen if the nightclub was too full for her and her friends to get in, saying, "She would never do that. She's very easy going that way. The club was at capacity. She was there with three other people and didn't know whether they could get in so she decided to forego it."

I'm not in the club owning business, but refusing entry to Eva Longoria seems like the worst business move you can make other than replacing your alcohol with urine and hiring blind lepers to be bartenders. Maybe they felt that having incredibly gorgeous and famous women in their club might be bad for business. Or maybe it was a gay bar. Whatever the reason, the club owners should be taken out back and run over with a truck. I used to drink paint as a child, and even I know that if Eva Longoria wants to get into your club, you better start kicking people in the nuts and pushing them out the back door to make room.

The Superficial is hiring an editor

If you're looking for a part time job and have dreamed of working from home in your underwear, then we've got a position for you. The Superficial is looking for an additional editor, and we know there's a shining gem in our readership somewhere. Ideally, the applicant should be very familiar with the internet, have rudimentary skills with image editing, be a prodigy with words, and have an intimidating knowledge of the latest pop culture. Recent college grads are encouraged, and actual journalism experience isn't required. Additionally, we're not looking for somebody to copy our writing style, but to add humor and insight in their own voice. We'll discuss payment as appropriate, but it works out to be a decently paying part-time job.

If you're interested in the position, then email apply@thesuperficial.com with a short bio about yourself as well as three sample articles which would appear on the site:

1. An article about breaking celebrity news.
2. An article about the latest celebrity rumor.
3. An article in the style of a "personal rant".

Because of the volume of applications, we won't be able to respond to every single one. If your submissions stand out, we'll contact you shortly to discuss the details of the position. Best of luck!

*Edit: Do not send attachments. Include your sample articles directly in your email. If you've already submitted your application with an attachment, please re-submit it. Any emails containing attachments will be ignored.

Jennifer Lopez blames career on fame

Jennifer Lopez claims her acting career is being ruined by her fame, and is desperate to land more serious movie roles but says directors refuse to consider her because her personal life is so public.

"In the beginning I was a blank slate. Then when I became famous I was being offered movies that I could star in but that's all. When I think I should be seeing the big directors, they don't even consider me. They see me as a sexy singer who is in the media too much."

What a coincidence, because the exact same thing happens to me whenever I try to meet with big directors. They always pass on me, and it's because they see me as the most beautiful and talented person in the entire Universe. Sure, everybody hates me, I whine a lot, and I can't really act, but I was in Anaconda and Maid in Manhatten, which means I'm practically Julia Roberts. You know, if Julia Roberts was an arrogant and annoying Latino woman with no discernible talent whatsoever who enjoys draping dead animals around her body.