Courtney Love is still insane

According to sources, almost all of Courtney Love's antics had to be cut out of Comedy Central's roast of Pamela Anderson because of their inappropriate nature. In addition to slamming her head into a photographer's lens while posing for a close-up, she also lifted up her shirt, repeatedly flashed her crotch, and engaged in simulated oral sex in front of the huge audience. Now if that's not the epitome of wholesome family values, then I don't know what is! Oh wait, yes I do: hardcore anal sex with animals.

In other news, it was announced yesterday that Courtney Love tested positive for drugs. Shocking!

Julia Roberts quits acting

A friend of Julia Roberts has revealed that after appearing in the Broadway show Three Days Of Rain next year, Julia Roberts will quit acting so that she can spend time with her twins.

"Julia is done with Hollywood and starring in a Broadway play is the chance to make a graceful exit. She's been talking about leaving Los Angeles and stopping the movie roles ever since the twins were born late last November. She wanted a change of scenery, a change of pace and a new challenge."

I'd like to believe this, but the thought of Julia Roberts walking away from acting while she's still one of the biggest stars in the world just doesn't make sense to my brain. If I was offered the kind of money Julia Roberts is offered, I would sell my kids on the black market and get back to making movies as quickly as possible. Getting pregnant is easy. Getting paid $30 million to star in a movie is not.

Jessica Simpson makes jeans for fat people

Jessica Simpson is coming out with a new line of plus-size jeans which will be made in sizes 12 to 24 and be available in Avenue stores. In regards to the decision, Jessica's father and manager, Joe Simpson, told USA Today, "We have people 300 pounds or 90 pounds come up to Jessica and say, 'I'm just like you' ... It's not about the outside. It's what's inside."

Call me silly, but what in the name of Pauly Shore's testicles does a person's inner worth have to do with selling jeans to fat people? I'm not saying that fat people can't be good people, I'm just saying that it has absolutely nothing to do with selling jeans. Unless, of course, telling fat people they're good on the inside is your pathetically clichéd attempt to trick them into thinking you care, in which case yes, maybe it is related to selling jeans. I don't want to be rude, but can somebody shoot this guy in the face already?

Angelina Jolie is a Cambodian citizen

According to a senior official, Angelina Jolie has been given Cambodian citizenship in recognition of her environmental work in the country, and has agreed to spend $5 million over the next 15 years to set up a wildlife sanctuary there.

That's pretty good, Angelina, but you'll have to do better than that if you want to top me. I didn't want to announce this until September, but I recently found $0.58 in between my couch cushions and I plan on donating it to Ethiopia. And before critics start speculating that I'm only doing this to attain that valuable Ethiopian citizenship, I want to assure everybody that my donation comes straight from the heart. The heart of Ethiopia that is! Wait, that didn't make any sense. And neither did anything else I've been saying for the past three minutes. Geezus, why am I still talking?

Thanks to Arnst for the tip.

Paris Hilton will not appear on Wild On

According to an insider, Paris Hilton has refused to appear on Wild On with Tara Reid and has repeatedly asked the cameras to stop filming her. The insider says, "Tara has been following Paris with a camera. Paris keeps asking her to stop, but she won't put the camera away." Supposedly, E! producers wanted to open Tara's show with scenes of her partying with Paris, but the source adds, "That's not going to happen, Paris won't sign the release forms."

This is a smart move on Paris Hilton's part, since being seen on TV with Tara Reid might give the impression that she's a slut, and not the obviously respectable business woman that she is. To be fair to Paris though, I hear that Tara Reid is actually so whorish that when prostitutes stand next to her they're technically virgins again. And I've pointed it out before, but there is something seriously wrong with Tara's stomach. I've never actually seen a flesh eating virus at work, but I imagine this is what it would look like. You know, if flesh eating viruses make your body look like lumpy mush that is.

Matt LeBlanc falls into stripper trap

According to The Sun, Matt LeBlanc has apologized to his wife and baby daughter for drunkenly groping a stripper during a night out at an all-nude club in Victoria, British Columbia. He admits that during a ten day motorcycle trip in Canada with five of his friends, he went to a strip club where a stripper "lured" him into an adjoining room where she removed her black spandex clothing and sat on his lap.

"The stripper was all over me. I was drinking, and she was crossing the line. She was in my face, pushing her breasts into me and grabbing my hands to go all over her body. She was telling me to caress her and in my head I'm thinking, 'What's going on?' If I had. been sober, perhaps I would have acted quicker, but I was pretty drunk. When I realized the situation that was unfolding I felt I was being careless and irresponsible, and I had to get the hell out of there. I could not wait to get home. The guys said a trap had been set for me and I fell right in it, and that's why I feel stupid and careless now."

I'm always shocked when I go into strip clubs to find naked women trying to take their clothes off for me. I think it's obvious that I head into these place to brush up on my quantum physics, so it's downright sneaky of them to hang out there with their privates exposed. I didn't come here to watch a naked girl dance on a pole, damnit. I came here for science!

Joe Simpson sells daughters

The NY Post reports that Jessica Simpson's father and manager, Joe Simpson, made a $200,000 deal with OK! magazine for Jessica Simpson to appear on the cover of their premiere issue as well as six additional covers, and for her to host the magazine's September 20 launch party. Unfortunately for her, "the deal also precludes Jessica from giving any other magazines major features until all the covers are done, which will be in like two years. So basically, Joe sold his daughter out for $200,000."

Now if only he could sell his other daughter, Ashlee Simpson, for $200,000 as well, then everything would be perfect. And by sell, I mean literally sell. Like to pirates, who will take her far away and force her to swab the decks and walk the planks and do all that other fun piratey stuff. Although if Joe confused "sell" with "run over in car" I'd probably be okay with that as well. You see, because I hate her.

Kelly Osbourne isn't only drug user

Kelly Osbourne says she's sick of being the poster child for celebrity drug abuse and would love to expose all the celebrities she took drugs with because it would shock the world.

"I just want to let people know that if you think any of these blonde bombshells aren't drug addicts, trust me, they are, because I've done drugs with them. I'm not going to name names because that's not fair."

Somehow I don't think Kelly Osbourne revealing that celebrities use drugs would exactly be surprising. In fact, I have a strong feeling that her saying celebrities like Lindsay Lohan do drugs would be so obvious that the collective power of everybody in the world rolling their eyes at once might destroy the very fabric of time.

Pamela Anderson wears see-through dress to Comedy Central Roast

I didn't watch Comedy Central's Roast of Pamela Anderson because I was too busy saving the world from a gang of killer ninjas, but I find it extremely odd that she would choose to wear a see-through outfit to her own roast. Not that everyone hasn't already seen her completely naked and having sex with Tommy Lee on a boat, it just seems odd that she would wear something like that to an event especially put together to make fun of her. I guess I'll just never understand the mind of a woman who thinks it's perfectly okay to be seen in public looking like Brian Peppers. Slightly NSFW images after the jump.

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