Matt LeBlanc falls into stripper trap

According to The Sun, Matt LeBlanc has apologized to his wife and baby daughter for drunkenly groping a stripper during a night out at an all-nude club in Victoria, British Columbia. He admits that during a ten day motorcycle trip in Canada with five of his friends, he went to a strip club where a stripper "lured" him into an adjoining room where she removed her black spandex clothing and sat on his lap.

"The stripper was all over me. I was drinking, and she was crossing the line. She was in my face, pushing her breasts into me and grabbing my hands to go all over her body. She was telling me to caress her and in my head I'm thinking, 'What's going on?' If I had. been sober, perhaps I would have acted quicker, but I was pretty drunk. When I realized the situation that was unfolding I felt I was being careless and irresponsible, and I had to get the hell out of there. I could not wait to get home. The guys said a trap had been set for me and I fell right in it, and that's why I feel stupid and careless now."

I'm always shocked when I go into strip clubs to find naked women trying to take their clothes off for me. I think it's obvious that I head into these place to brush up on my quantum physics, so it's downright sneaky of them to hang out there with their privates exposed. I didn't come here to watch a naked girl dance on a pole, damnit. I came here for science!

Joe Simpson sells daughters

The NY Post reports that Jessica Simpson's father and manager, Joe Simpson, made a $200,000 deal with OK! magazine for Jessica Simpson to appear on the cover of their premiere issue as well as six additional covers, and for her to host the magazine's September 20 launch party. Unfortunately for her, "the deal also precludes Jessica from giving any other magazines major features until all the covers are done, which will be in like two years. So basically, Joe sold his daughter out for $200,000."

Now if only he could sell his other daughter, Ashlee Simpson, for $200,000 as well, then everything would be perfect. And by sell, I mean literally sell. Like to pirates, who will take her far away and force her to swab the decks and walk the planks and do all that other fun piratey stuff. Although if Joe confused "sell" with "run over in car" I'd probably be okay with that as well. You see, because I hate her.

Kelly Osbourne isn't only drug user

Kelly Osbourne says she's sick of being the poster child for celebrity drug abuse and would love to expose all the celebrities she took drugs with because it would shock the world.

"I just want to let people know that if you think any of these blonde bombshells aren't drug addicts, trust me, they are, because I've done drugs with them. I'm not going to name names because that's not fair."

Somehow I don't think Kelly Osbourne revealing that celebrities use drugs would exactly be surprising. In fact, I have a strong feeling that her saying celebrities like Lindsay Lohan do drugs would be so obvious that the collective power of everybody in the world rolling their eyes at once might destroy the very fabric of time.

Pamela Anderson wears see-through dress to Comedy Central Roast

I didn't watch Comedy Central's Roast of Pamela Anderson because I was too busy saving the world from a gang of killer ninjas, but I find it extremely odd that she would choose to wear a see-through outfit to her own roast. Not that everyone hasn't already seen her completely naked and having sex with Tommy Lee on a boat, it just seems odd that she would wear something like that to an event especially put together to make fun of her. I guess I'll just never understand the mind of a woman who thinks it's perfectly okay to be seen in public looking like Brian Peppers. Slightly NSFW images after the jump.

Continue Reading

Registration problems for the forums

A number of people are having difficulty registering for the forums because they're confirmation emails are being eaten by spam filters. I should have announced earlier that you should turn off your spam filter before trying to register, but I forgot to so I'm doing it now. For those of you that have already tried registering and didn't get the confirmation letter, just contact us with your username and email and we'll try to approve your account manually.

Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams are pregnant

During the premiere of The Brothers Grimm on Monday, Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams admitted that they were engaged and that Michelle was pregnant with his baby and expected to deliver sometime in November. Up until then, Heath had reportedly refused to acknowledge Williams was pregnant with his child, although anybody with eyes probably might have suspected. And I don't know if you know this, but Michelle Williams is actually a duck, so the fact that Heath Ledger mangaged to get her pregnant is a miracle of science.

Brad Pitt's security arrests reporter

According to the NY Post, a reporter for People magazine was arrested Saturday for trespassing on Brad Pitt's property during a fourth birthday party for Angelina Jolie's son Maddox. Brad's security manager, Richard Malchar, made a citizen's arrest and held the reporter for police.

"It's too bad that the media can't respect people's privacy," said Pitt's publicist, Cindy Guagenti. "If the media continue to trespass on private property, they will be arrested. This is getting out of control."

I guess this means that time I snuck into Lindsay Lohan's house to take a dump probably wasn't okay either. To be fair though, I did it on her bed so I think that makes it alright. If I learned anything at Yale law, it's that sneaking into people's homes to poo on their bed is totally acceptable by our legal system. Then again, I was too busy pooing on people's beds to ever attend class, so I could be wrong.

Kelly Carlson has own sex doll

In an interview with Stuff Magazine, Kelly Carlson revealed that she got to keep the life-sized sex doll used in the second season of Nip/Tuck that was made in her image while playing a porn star.

"She's in my living room. I put pants and a sweater on her to make her a non-sexual being. I have to warn people about her, because she's a little freaky. So many people have told me to sell her on eBay, but it freaks me out what people would do with her. She has my face, so I'm protective. I don't want her to get sexually violated."

Why hasn't anybody made a Jessica Alba sex doll yet? Considering every man in the world would buy two - you never know when you might need a spare - it would probably be a pretty smart business move. I'm no financial expert, but I predict that the Jessica Alba sex doll industry would be worth at least ten gajillion dollars. And trust me, ten gajillion is a lot of money. I would know, I have it.

Jessica Alba picks wedgie

I spent a good half hour staring at these pictures, trying to decipher just what exactly it was that I was looking at. I went in assuming it was Jessica Alba picking her bikini wedgie, but then I saw the cellulite and realized that this couldn't be Jessica Alba. The Jessica Alba I know is so flawless that a homeless man actually burst into flames after touching her because he was too ugly, and the idea of her having cellulite on her butt or thighs is just plain ridiculous. Plus, whoever this imposter is is clearly masturbating in public, since nobody on Earth picks a wedgie like that, and Jessica Alba would never need to masturbate since the line of men waiting to offer her their penises is so long that it can be viewed from space.

Thanks to Mya for the images.