Jessica Alba picks wedgie

I spent a good half hour staring at these pictures, trying to decipher just what exactly it was that I was looking at. I went in assuming it was Jessica Alba picking her bikini wedgie, but then I saw the cellulite and realized that this couldn't be Jessica Alba. The Jessica Alba I know is so flawless that a homeless man actually burst into flames after touching her because he was too ugly, and the idea of her having cellulite on her butt or thighs is just plain ridiculous. Plus, whoever this imposter is is clearly masturbating in public, since nobody on Earth picks a wedgie like that, and Jessica Alba would never need to masturbate since the line of men waiting to offer her their penises is so long that it can be viewed from space.

Thanks to Mya for the images.

Reese Witherspoon hates dumb blondes

Reese Witherspoon has launched a verbal attack on Jessica Simpson telling her to quit playing on her dumb blonde image.

"Creating a cultural icon out of someone who goes, 'I'm stupid, isn't it cute?' makes me want to throw daggers," says Reese. "I want to say to them, 'My Grandma did not fight for what she fought for, just so you can start telling women it's fun to be stupid.'"

I don't know who Reese Witherspoon's grandma is and I don't know what she fought for, but if it stood in the way of Jessica Simpson's right to be a stupid blonde then I'm totally against it. One of the reasons America is so great is that all women have the right to be as stupid and as slutty as they want. If a big breasted woman wants to show off her body and pretend she can't tell the difference between fish and chicken, then good for her. As long as it doesn't get in the way of her baking me pies in the kitchen then I really don't care. But once those pies stop coming, you better believe I'm going to write some letters to Congress. Long letters. With exclamation marks. If a woman doesn't belong in the kitchen baking pies then where does she belong? At the work place? With men? The idea is so preposterous that it makes me laugh just to think about it.

Charlize Theron is getting married

A source tells In Touch Weekly that Charlize Theron and her boyfriend of four years, Stuart Townsend, will marry this summer at their home in California, and are busy planning all the final details for the wedding.

"It's so hush, hush that they have sworn everyone to absolute secrecy and haven't revealed the exact date or location yet. But the wedding will definitely be in the Los Angeles area - more than likely at Charlize's Malibu waterfront home - within a month or possibly even sooner."

I can see how this might be interesting news if anybody actually cared about Charlize Theron. She's a fine actress and all, but until she starts partying with Lindsay Lohan or eating baby pandas, nobody is really going to care about anything she does or says. I don't know what it is about her, but the woman is just so damn tedious to think about.

Britney Spears might be pregnant

Looks like Britney Spears has really let herself go after taking a break from the music industry. I guess her steady diet of ice cream and TV has really taken it's toll, and her dreams of becoming an actual whale are finally coming true. She's so fat in these pictures that I wouldn't be surprised if rumors started popping up that she's pregnant.

Lindsay Lohan bulks up

Lindsay Lohan has hired exercise coach Justin Gelband to help her put on some weight and get her boobs back, and has allegedly already gone up two dress sizes.

"I'm working out with a trainer and eating healthily. I want my boobs back."

It's nice that she finally realizes how important her breasts were for her career, but obviously the cocaine has already melted her brain, since hiring somebody to help you gain weight is about as pointless as hiring somebody to help you get old. I know it's a pretty radical idea, but maybe she should try eating some food. Or garbage. You know, pretty much anything that ends up in her stomach is okay with me. Even poison.

Note - I'm kidding about the poison thing. What I meant to say was bleach or detergent. Thanks to Ryan for the tip.

Britney Spears photographer shot in leg

According to authorities, a photographer named Brad Diaz was shot in the leg with a BB gun outside a home where he believed Britney Spears was attending a bridal shower. He was allegedly outside the home's long driveway with about 10 other photographers when he was hit in the leg by a BB.

"It could've been somebody driving by, walking by, we have no idea where it came from," said authorities.

This would have made a better story if Britney Spears had just run outside with a chain saw and started sawing off photographers' heads. Random BB shootings of the paparazzi is pretty good, but the world needs pictures of Britney Spears chain sawing people's heads off more than it needs a cure to cancer.

Sienna Miller asks dumb questions

Sienna Miller has consulted New York relationship psychologist Gilda Carle over Jude Law's recent affair with their nanny to try and determine the reasons behind his infidelity. A source tells the Sunday Express, "Gilda has been talking to Sienna about what she has coined the 'cheataholic' and examining the causes for rampant infidelity."

The causes of rampant infidelity, huh? Let me take a swing at this one and say the penis. I don't want to generalize, but 100% of all men would absolutely cheat on their woman with somebody hotter if they were given the chance. Although Sienna Miller is pretty hot, and the nanny Jude Law cheated on her with is an ugly sack of potatoes, so maybe the second cause for rampant infidelity is blindness.

Peter Jennings has died

Peter Jennings, who announced in April that he had lung cancer, died at his New York home yesterday at the age of 67.

Nicole Richie is still skinny

Remember when Nicole Richie used to be fat? Because I think her steady diet of cocaine and laxatives may have changed all that. I realize that she's been losing weight for awhile now, but I don't recall her ever looking quite this skinny. And I'm probably going to regret saying this, but she's actually looking pretty good despite that prepubescent body. Skinny is definitely a better look for her than 'ugly pig' was. Now all that's needed is for her and Lindsay Lohan to have a starve-off, to prove once and for all who can lose the most weight the fastest and die of starvation first. The winner gets a trophy I just made out of mashed potatoes. They'll be dead, of course, but I was just going to eat the mashed potatoes anyway.