Britney Spears might be pregnant

Looks like Britney Spears has really let herself go after taking a break from the music industry. I guess her steady diet of ice cream and TV has really taken it's toll, and her dreams of becoming an actual whale are finally coming true. She's so fat in these pictures that I wouldn't be surprised if rumors started popping up that she's pregnant.

Lindsay Lohan bulks up

Lindsay Lohan has hired exercise coach Justin Gelband to help her put on some weight and get her boobs back, and has allegedly already gone up two dress sizes.

"I'm working out with a trainer and eating healthily. I want my boobs back."

It's nice that she finally realizes how important her breasts were for her career, but obviously the cocaine has already melted her brain, since hiring somebody to help you gain weight is about as pointless as hiring somebody to help you get old. I know it's a pretty radical idea, but maybe she should try eating some food. Or garbage. You know, pretty much anything that ends up in her stomach is okay with me. Even poison.

Note - I'm kidding about the poison thing. What I meant to say was bleach or detergent. Thanks to Ryan for the tip.

Britney Spears photographer shot in leg

According to authorities, a photographer named Brad Diaz was shot in the leg with a BB gun outside a home where he believed Britney Spears was attending a bridal shower. He was allegedly outside the home's long driveway with about 10 other photographers when he was hit in the leg by a BB.

"It could've been somebody driving by, walking by, we have no idea where it came from," said authorities.

This would have made a better story if Britney Spears had just run outside with a chain saw and started sawing off photographers' heads. Random BB shootings of the paparazzi is pretty good, but the world needs pictures of Britney Spears chain sawing people's heads off more than it needs a cure to cancer.

Sienna Miller asks dumb questions

Sienna Miller has consulted New York relationship psychologist Gilda Carle over Jude Law's recent affair with their nanny to try and determine the reasons behind his infidelity. A source tells the Sunday Express, "Gilda has been talking to Sienna about what she has coined the 'cheataholic' and examining the causes for rampant infidelity."

The causes of rampant infidelity, huh? Let me take a swing at this one and say the penis. I don't want to generalize, but 100% of all men would absolutely cheat on their woman with somebody hotter if they were given the chance. Although Sienna Miller is pretty hot, and the nanny Jude Law cheated on her with is an ugly sack of potatoes, so maybe the second cause for rampant infidelity is blindness.

Peter Jennings has died

Peter Jennings, who announced in April that he had lung cancer, died at his New York home yesterday at the age of 67.

Nicole Richie is still skinny

Remember when Nicole Richie used to be fat? Because I think her steady diet of cocaine and laxatives may have changed all that. I realize that she's been losing weight for awhile now, but I don't recall her ever looking quite this skinny. And I'm probably going to regret saying this, but she's actually looking pretty good despite that prepubescent body. Skinny is definitely a better look for her than 'ugly pig' was. Now all that's needed is for her and Lindsay Lohan to have a starve-off, to prove once and for all who can lose the most weight the fastest and die of starvation first. The winner gets a trophy I just made out of mashed potatoes. They'll be dead, of course, but I was just going to eat the mashed potatoes anyway.

Martha Stewart extends house arrest

In a brief statement Wednesday, Martha Stewart's lawyer, Walter E. Dellinger, said that Martha was due to complete five months of house arrest on August 10, but has agreed to extend the sentence by three extra weeks. It wasn't revealed what Stewart did to earn the extra three weeks, but I suspect it has to do with the dead bodies I saw her burying in her backyard. I couldn't make it out too clearly, but I distincly remember seeing at least three orphans among the pile, as well as a very cute puppy. And before you wonder what I was doing snooping around Martha Stewart's home, you tell me how else I'm supposed to score sexy pictures of her knitting a sweater. Knitting, man! That's hot stuff!

*Update: So Martha Stewart is extending her house arrest because she allegedly went to a yoga class and has been driving around her estate in an off-road vehicle. I guess the justice system just doesn't care about those dead orphans and very cute puppy she has buried in her backyard. Thanks to Katie for the tip.

Gisele Bundchen is a clean freak

Gisele Bundchen says her obsession with cleaning has gotten so bad it's bordering on sickness.

"I'm obsessed. I think I have a disease, actually. I always fire housekeepers. I don't even have one because I always have to clean after them because they always move things out of place and I get really like upset about it. I like everything clean. You can actually eat off the floor of my house, that's how clean my floors are. They're so clean because I clean them myself, so I know. I've learned in life how to be a bit more patient with cleaning because in the past I used to go to people's houses and start, like, cleaning their dishes and organising their house. People get offended. You arrive in their house and you're, like, cleaning everything. They're like, 'What's wrong with you?'"

Yeah, Gisele, what's your problem? When I invite you over for a little butt sex, I don't expect you to start dusting my bookshelf and rearranging my coffee table. And for the love of God, stop whining to me about Leonardo DiCaprio. Obviously he can't satisfy your needs the way I can - otherwise you wouldn't be here - but I don't need to hear about it every five minutes.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline name baby

According to a friend of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, they're currently fighting over what to call their baby. Britney is determined to name her child Charlie, after watching Johnny Depp in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but Kevin wants to name the baby after him.

"Kevin loves the idea of calling the child Kevin Jr... but Britney has dug her heels in and loves the name Charlie. She feels Charlie is a great name for both sexes. Kevin is considering it after she talked him around. He says so long as their child is fit and healthy, the name-choosing comes in second place."

Plus Britney Spears has all the money and Kevin Federline is a useless hobo, so it's pretty much impossible for him to ever win an argument in their relationship. Until he gets sick of eating caviar and riding around in limos, he pretty much has to put up with whatever stupid idea Britney has, like naming her baby after a damn movie character. She could have at least used Willy Wonka's name instead. I mean Willy Wonka Spears Federline? That name's so great I might start using it. Actually yes, I think I will. From now on just call me Willy Wonka Spears Federline.