Britney Spears photographer shot in leg

According to authorities, a photographer named Brad Diaz was shot in the leg with a BB gun outside a home where he believed Britney Spears was attending a bridal shower. He was allegedly outside the home's long driveway with about 10 other photographers when he was hit in the leg by a BB.

"It could've been somebody driving by, walking by, we have no idea where it came from," said authorities.

This would have made a better story if Britney Spears had just run outside with a chain saw and started sawing off photographers' heads. Random BB shootings of the paparazzi is pretty good, but the world needs pictures of Britney Spears chain sawing people's heads off more than it needs a cure to cancer.

Sienna Miller asks dumb questions

Sienna Miller has consulted New York relationship psychologist Gilda Carle over Jude Law's recent affair with their nanny to try and determine the reasons behind his infidelity. A source tells the Sunday Express, "Gilda has been talking to Sienna about what she has coined the 'cheataholic' and examining the causes for rampant infidelity."

The causes of rampant infidelity, huh? Let me take a swing at this one and say the penis. I don't want to generalize, but 100% of all men would absolutely cheat on their woman with somebody hotter if they were given the chance. Although Sienna Miller is pretty hot, and the nanny Jude Law cheated on her with is an ugly sack of potatoes, so maybe the second cause for rampant infidelity is blindness.

Peter Jennings has died

Peter Jennings, who announced in April that he had lung cancer, died at his New York home yesterday at the age of 67.

Nicole Richie is still skinny

Remember when Nicole Richie used to be fat? Because I think her steady diet of cocaine and laxatives may have changed all that. I realize that she's been losing weight for awhile now, but I don't recall her ever looking quite this skinny. And I'm probably going to regret saying this, but she's actually looking pretty good despite that prepubescent body. Skinny is definitely a better look for her than 'ugly pig' was. Now all that's needed is for her and Lindsay Lohan to have a starve-off, to prove once and for all who can lose the most weight the fastest and die of starvation first. The winner gets a trophy I just made out of mashed potatoes. They'll be dead, of course, but I was just going to eat the mashed potatoes anyway.

Martha Stewart extends house arrest

In a brief statement Wednesday, Martha Stewart's lawyer, Walter E. Dellinger, said that Martha was due to complete five months of house arrest on August 10, but has agreed to extend the sentence by three extra weeks. It wasn't revealed what Stewart did to earn the extra three weeks, but I suspect it has to do with the dead bodies I saw her burying in her backyard. I couldn't make it out too clearly, but I distincly remember seeing at least three orphans among the pile, as well as a very cute puppy. And before you wonder what I was doing snooping around Martha Stewart's home, you tell me how else I'm supposed to score sexy pictures of her knitting a sweater. Knitting, man! That's hot stuff!

*Update: So Martha Stewart is extending her house arrest because she allegedly went to a yoga class and has been driving around her estate in an off-road vehicle. I guess the justice system just doesn't care about those dead orphans and very cute puppy she has buried in her backyard. Thanks to Katie for the tip.

Gisele Bundchen is a clean freak

Gisele Bundchen says her obsession with cleaning has gotten so bad it's bordering on sickness.

"I'm obsessed. I think I have a disease, actually. I always fire housekeepers. I don't even have one because I always have to clean after them because they always move things out of place and I get really like upset about it. I like everything clean. You can actually eat off the floor of my house, that's how clean my floors are. They're so clean because I clean them myself, so I know. I've learned in life how to be a bit more patient with cleaning because in the past I used to go to people's houses and start, like, cleaning their dishes and organising their house. People get offended. You arrive in their house and you're, like, cleaning everything. They're like, 'What's wrong with you?'"

Yeah, Gisele, what's your problem? When I invite you over for a little butt sex, I don't expect you to start dusting my bookshelf and rearranging my coffee table. And for the love of God, stop whining to me about Leonardo DiCaprio. Obviously he can't satisfy your needs the way I can - otherwise you wouldn't be here - but I don't need to hear about it every five minutes.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline name baby

According to a friend of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, they're currently fighting over what to call their baby. Britney is determined to name her child Charlie, after watching Johnny Depp in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but Kevin wants to name the baby after him.

"Kevin loves the idea of calling the child Kevin Jr... but Britney has dug her heels in and loves the name Charlie. She feels Charlie is a great name for both sexes. Kevin is considering it after she talked him around. He says so long as their child is fit and healthy, the name-choosing comes in second place."

Plus Britney Spears has all the money and Kevin Federline is a useless hobo, so it's pretty much impossible for him to ever win an argument in their relationship. Until he gets sick of eating caviar and riding around in limos, he pretty much has to put up with whatever stupid idea Britney has, like naming her baby after a damn movie character. She could have at least used Willy Wonka's name instead. I mean Willy Wonka Spears Federline? That name's so great I might start using it. Actually yes, I think I will. From now on just call me Willy Wonka Spears Federline.

Mike Tyson might do porn

ESPN reports that Mike Tyson says he's open to alternative ways of raising money, including the adult film industry.

"I've talked to some people, I just talked to a gentleman named Jimmy, whose involved with Club Jenna, you know Jenna Jameson," said Tyson. "They said they were interested in getting me involved in that kind of business as well."

This would have been more exciting news for Tyson if it had been 10 years ago when Jenna Jameson was still hot and not incredibly old looking. Although 10 years ago he was sittting in jail for rape so I guess having sex with Jenna Jameson for money wouldn't have been very feasible. Or at least not as feasible as having sex with 10 other huge black guys. Then again, I guess nobody is stupid enough to actually try anally raping Mike Tyson in prison. Not only would he beat the crap out of you, he'd also pull out your heart and eat it. If you haven't heard, he's a little bit crazy.

Michelle Branch has baby

People magazine announced yesterday that Michelle Branch has given birth to a 7lb 12oz baby girl named Owen, and is resting comfortably in a Los Angeles hospital. Seeing as how I haven't thought about Michelle Branch in about five years or so, I'm surprised anybody would care enough to talk about her giving birth. Actually, the most surprising thing about this whole thing is that any guy would be willing to stick his penis inside of her and get her pregnant. Call me picky, but I'm just not into ugly clown-faces who wear trucker hats.