Mike Tyson might do porn

ESPN reports that Mike Tyson says he's open to alternative ways of raising money, including the adult film industry.

"I've talked to some people, I just talked to a gentleman named Jimmy, whose involved with Club Jenna, you know Jenna Jameson," said Tyson. "They said they were interested in getting me involved in that kind of business as well."

This would have been more exciting news for Tyson if it had been 10 years ago when Jenna Jameson was still hot and not incredibly old looking. Although 10 years ago he was sittting in jail for rape so I guess having sex with Jenna Jameson for money wouldn't have been very feasible. Or at least not as feasible as having sex with 10 other huge black guys. Then again, I guess nobody is stupid enough to actually try anally raping Mike Tyson in prison. Not only would he beat the crap out of you, he'd also pull out your heart and eat it. If you haven't heard, he's a little bit crazy.

Michelle Branch has baby

People magazine announced yesterday that Michelle Branch has given birth to a 7lb 12oz baby girl named Owen, and is resting comfortably in a Los Angeles hospital. Seeing as how I haven't thought about Michelle Branch in about five years or so, I'm surprised anybody would care enough to talk about her giving birth. Actually, the most surprising thing about this whole thing is that any guy would be willing to stick his penis inside of her and get her pregnant. Call me picky, but I'm just not into ugly clown-faces who wear trucker hats.

Maddox calls Brad Pitt daddy

According to Us, Angelina Jolie's son, Maddox, was overheard calling Brad Pitt "Daddy" at a recent photo shoot. They also report that Brad's name was left off the adoption papers for Angelina's new daughter, Zahara, only because his divorce isn't final yet. Which makes pretty good sense, because nobody wants to adopt a child with another woman while they're still married. Exept for me, that is. It's actually my life's goal to be married and then adopt a child with another woman. Wait, did I say 'to be married and then adopt a child with another woman'? I meant 'to have sex with every supermodel in the world at least twice.' And I want to own my own chocolate factory.

Naomi Campbell still beating people

Naomi Campbell reportedly attacked Italian actress Yvonne Scio last Saturday because they were wearing the same dress at an event at the Hotel Eden in Rome. Scio says she was kicked and punched,and had to go to the hospital because she suffered injuries including a cut lip. She filed a complaint with police and hired a lawyer.

"This will be going to court and Naomi will have to appear," Scio's attorney said. "Yvonne is in bed in a lot of pain. Her face is in a terrible way. She lost a lot of blood. She is an actress so she will not be able to work for a while. We will also be looking for loss of earnings."

A rep for Naomi denied the model attacked the actress, saying the two merely had "a disagreement." What Naomi Campbell really needs to do is buy a pet gorilla and put boxing gloves on it, and then drag it along with her wherever she goes. That way, if she ever starts beating people up again, her reps can just shrug their shoulders and say, "The gorilla did it." Who do you think the jury is going to believe put the pastry chef in the hospital - the 100lb supermodel or the 600lb gorilla wearing boxing gloves?

Sony Pictures pays for lies

Sony Pictures Entertainment has been forced to pay $1.5 million to settle a class-action lawsuit accusing the studio of citing a fake movie critic in ads for several of their films, including Vertical Limit, A Knight's Tale, The Animal, Hollow Man and The Patriot. According to lawyer Norman BlumenthalIf, if you saw any of those movies during their original theater runs, you're eligible for a $5 per ticket reimbursement after you file a claim.

As much as I agree that making up fake movie critics is wrong - or hilarious depending on my mood - the fact that a class-action lawsuit was filed is even more wrong. Whoever was stupid enough to watch A Knight's Tale because a fake movie critic called Heath Ledger "this year's hottest new star!" not only deserves to be out $8, they also deserve to have their brain removed and fed to a starving child in Ethiopia. If five-word blurbs you read on a print ad are influencing your movie-watching decision, you should seriously consider donating your body to help feed the hungry. Or if not to feed the hungry, at least to be made into some sort of fertilizer. Pretty much anything that involves you being dead is okay by me.

Kate Hudson is a crazy person

If you weren't already aware, Kate Hudson is completely insane and says she carries around magic crystals and sprays herself with water to protect herself from bad vibes.

"It's not like a holy water, just something to cleanse myself if someone's really negative. And I carry around crystals, too. I feel it's important to protect yourself."

Additionally, Ananova reports Kate would love to be psychic.

"I think it's fascinating. We can see our three-dimensional world — that's where we exist — but it's proven that we exist in a multi, multi-dimensional realm and how amazing to be able to tap in to those other dimensions."

I don't want to be a party pooper, but when was it "proven" that we exist in a multi, multi-dimensional realm? And for that matter, what the crap is a "multi, multi-dimensional realm"? I'm pretty familiar with string theory and its implications on a multi-dimensional universe, but I get the feeling Kate Hudson is referring to more of a galactic-ruler-named-Xenu type of thing. You know, the kind of crap that science spits on and crazy people like Kate Hudson babble to reporters about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Kate Hudson is a Scientologist, I'm just saying she's totally and completely out of her mind.

Jennifer Lopez to open first store

Jennifer Lopez is set to open her first U.S. store, World of JLo, inside Marshall Fields in Chicago on Sept. 22, modeling it after her JLo boutique in Moscow. "Having the first World of JLo shop in the nation is a huge coup for us," the department store's president tells Star People. Too bad nobody informed them that having the first Jennifer Lopez store is the equivalent of housing Hitler's moustache. I'm not exactly sure how, but I hate Jennifer with so much passion that weird Hitler analogies are the only things I can think of whenever I talk about her.

Sienna Miller is pregnant with Jude Law's child

Sources have revealed to Star that Sienna Miller is six weeks pregnant with Jude Law's child. They allegedly gathered friends and family at their London home to announce her pregnancy before Jude's affair with the nanny was exposed, though reps for Miller and Law have not confirmed or denied the pregnancy.

"She [and Jude had] discussed names for the baby," a friend tells Star. Now, Law "had destroyed any chance they had of bringing up the baby together."

Additionally, Star reports that during Jude Law's marriage to Sadie Frost, the mother of his three children, Jude cheated with no fewer than six women - a model, a celebrity's assistant, two A-list stars, a rock star's ex-wife and a lap dancer. I guess Sienna Miller should be grateful Jude only cheated on her with the nanny, as opposed to the bevy of Catholic school girls he probably had his eyes on. And considering he's Jude Law, he probably could have had those Catholic school girls if he wanted. Fuck, now I wish I was Jude Law. Not because I want to have sex with Catholic school girls, but because I wish my last name was Law. Man, that's such a sweet last name.

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