Jessica Simpson beats people

The Sun reports that Jessica Simpson told David Letterman she beat up a guy on the set of The Dukes Of Hazzard after mistaking him for a stunt man.

"I thought he was a stunt guy and the stick wouldn't break. I was like: 'Oh gosh, this is the last shot! I have to break it!' so I ended up like losing my mind. I just started attacking him and he had welts all over his back. It finally broke. I kept hitting him until it did."

I did something similar once, except instead of beating a man to death with a cue stick, I shook his hand and acknowledged his worth as a human being. Just kidding, I beat him to death with a cue stick as well. If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend that you do. Just go to your local bar and start smacking some random guy in the head with a cue stick until you think he's dead. And when the police come to arrest you, just blame Jessica Simpson for setting a bad example and sue her for millions. The plan is so crazy that it just might work.

Note - This plan will 100% not work.

Eva Longoria is inappropriate

Eva Longoria has apologized to Jennifer Aniston for wearing a t-shirt that said "I'll have your baby, Brad." She was photographed shortly after Jennifer and Brad announced their separation, but says she now realizes it was inappropriate.

"I do regret wearing it and I have written to Jennifer Aniston to express my sympathies over her marriage."

Instead of writing Jennifer a letter, Eva should have just put on another shirt that said "Brad Pitt did me in the butt." It's not as sensitive as a letter of sympathy, but I think the message is pretty much the same. Of course, this is assuming that she told Jennifer Aniston she had anal sex with Brad Pitt in her letter. If not, I guess that whole shirt thing would be totally out of line. Then again, Eva Longoria is incredibly gorgeous so she could pretty much get away with killing a homeless man if she wanted to.

Julia Roberts goes to Broadway

After taking a break to care for her eight month old twins, Julia Roberts is going to star on Broadway next year in the revival of Three Days of Rain, which will debut for a 12 week engagement starting in March 2006. This is a huge disappointment to fans everywhere who had been hoping she would star in Blue Man Group instead. Call me crazy, but I think that's what Julia Roberts' true calling is. Playing a bald blue man.

Fergie pees herself at Street Scene

Fergie's reps are claiming she didn't pee herself in San Diego at Street Scene over the weekend, and that the huge wet spot in the middle of her crotch was just sweat, but either way I'm going with disgusting. Obviously sweat is a million times more acceptable than urine, but what kind of monster woman sweats to the point where it could be mistaken for pee? The only people I know that sweat that much are male professional athletes and fat people. So which one is it, Fergie? Are you a male professional athlete or fat?

Renée Zellweger's has marriage problems

A friend of Renée Zellweger has told US Weekly that their three month marriage is already on the rocks.

"The cracks are getting bigger by the day. The realities of married life are hitting them both awfully hard. Renée had no idea how involved in every aspect of her life Kenny would want to be. She'd never even seen him lose his temper before the wedding, but now he seems to think he can tell Renée what to do, what to wear, where to go and who to see. He doesn't seem to like her hanging out with her old friends."

However, a representative for Renée insists things are "great" between the couple, while Chesney's spokesperson said, "He's focusing on what he does best: making music." If there's one thing I know, it's that when people I've never heard of are focusing on making music I've never listened to, it means Renée Zellweger's marriage is over. I don't want to get into the technicalities of how it works, but it involves science and test tubes and flow charts, so you know it's pretty much a sure thing.

The Superficial Forums

If our lack of pants didn't already give it away, we really have no idea what we're doing around here. That said, we've decided to test out a site forum; where readers can get together and do all sorts of forum-type stuff with other readers. And I'm not exactly sure what forum-type stuff is, but if it's anything like robotic ninjas like I'm picturing, it's probably pretty cool. Just as long as nothing goes terribly wrong and the server doesn't burst into flames, the forums will most likely become as fat and loveable as the main site. So if any of you people have ever wanted to comment on posts or talk to other readers, here's your chance. And considering today is the first official day of operation, becoming the first person to post in the forums might make you the sexiest person in the Universe. But if that's not enough to convince you, I read somewhere that not heading to the forums causes cancer and greatly increases your risks of getting stabbed. By me. In the kidneys.

Visit The Superficial Forums

Pamela Anderson doesn't support Petco

Pamela Anderson has pulled out of Petco's 40th anniversary convention next week because she refuses to endorse a store that sells live birds and Petco is unwilling to meet her request to stop. In a letter to Petco CEO Kevin Whalen, Pamela said, "I would gladly do the appearance if Petco pledges to end the sale of all birds, big and small, by January 2006."

This is probably for the best, since I was planning on making my way up to the anniversary convention as well and eating a live calf. I know how sensitive Pamela Anderson can be about animals, so I think seeing me take a bite out of a baby cow and going "Mmm, that's rare" would rub her the wrong way. You've got to admit though, those live baby cows sure are delicious.

John Casablancas is mad at Naomi Campbell

John Casablancas, the founder of Elite Model, is allegedly upset with Naomi Campbell because she told Page Six about a note he sent her apologizing for calling her "unbearable" in an interview with Complex magazine.

"I'm happy to see that my note to you allowed you to save face with the press," Casablancas told Naomi via an email. "Too bad that it was also used to make me look like [bleep]. For the record, I don't grovel (and you of all people should know that!) and I feel quite comfortable with my contradictory feelings about you: A+ as a person; D- for behavior with your bookers. I know you know what I mean. Love, John."

Additionally, a representative for Casablancas stated that he wouldn't apologize to Gisele Bundchen for calling her "an empty shell, one big void" in the same article. I guess that's fair, since television and stereotypes have taught me that all beautiful people are ugly on the inside. It doesn't matter if you graduated from Princeton and work at soup kitchens in your spare time, because if you're a supermodel then you're automatically a stupid monkey that only cares about makeup and money. Or, in the case of Naomi Campbell, a crazy psycho woman that beats up maids and head-butts personal assistants. Really though, who doesn't head-butt personal assistants?

Scarlett Johansson shocked she has big boobs

The Daily Record reports that Scarlett Johansson nearly crashed her car when she saw her digitally enhanced boobs on a billboard, slamming on her brakes when confronted with the huge advert.

"I was driving through Los Angeles and I look up and see the biggest photo of me I have ever seen in my life on a massive ad space. I screamed and slammed on the brakes. I couldn't believe it. It's very strange to see my cleavage the size of a brontosaurus. My breasts were huge. I had long hair and my goodness, I couldn't get past the cleavage."

I think I saw that exact same billboard, but instead of almost crashing, I just took off my pants and started fondling myself instead. The guy behind me was upset because I was holding up traffic, but when he walked up to my car I just pointed to the billboard and he understood. Or at least I assume he understood, because he started taking off his pants as well. Now that I think about it, that was a pretty weird day.