Fergie pees herself at Street Scene

Fergie's reps are claiming she didn't pee herself in San Diego at Street Scene over the weekend, and that the huge wet spot in the middle of her crotch was just sweat, but either way I'm going with disgusting. Obviously sweat is a million times more acceptable than urine, but what kind of monster woman sweats to the point where it could be mistaken for pee? The only people I know that sweat that much are male professional athletes and fat people. So which one is it, Fergie? Are you a male professional athlete or fat?

Renée Zellweger's has marriage problems

A friend of Renée Zellweger has told US Weekly that their three month marriage is already on the rocks.

"The cracks are getting bigger by the day. The realities of married life are hitting them both awfully hard. Renée had no idea how involved in every aspect of her life Kenny would want to be. She'd never even seen him lose his temper before the wedding, but now he seems to think he can tell Renée what to do, what to wear, where to go and who to see. He doesn't seem to like her hanging out with her old friends."

However, a representative for Renée insists things are "great" between the couple, while Chesney's spokesperson said, "He's focusing on what he does best: making music." If there's one thing I know, it's that when people I've never heard of are focusing on making music I've never listened to, it means Renée Zellweger's marriage is over. I don't want to get into the technicalities of how it works, but it involves science and test tubes and flow charts, so you know it's pretty much a sure thing.

The Superficial Forums

If our lack of pants didn't already give it away, we really have no idea what we're doing around here. That said, we've decided to test out a site forum; where readers can get together and do all sorts of forum-type stuff with other readers. And I'm not exactly sure what forum-type stuff is, but if it's anything like robotic ninjas like I'm picturing, it's probably pretty cool. Just as long as nothing goes terribly wrong and the server doesn't burst into flames, the forums will most likely become as fat and loveable as the main site. So if any of you people have ever wanted to comment on posts or talk to other readers, here's your chance. And considering today is the first official day of operation, becoming the first person to post in the forums might make you the sexiest person in the Universe. But if that's not enough to convince you, I read somewhere that not heading to the forums causes cancer and greatly increases your risks of getting stabbed. By me. In the kidneys.

Visit The Superficial Forums

Pamela Anderson doesn't support Petco

Pamela Anderson has pulled out of Petco's 40th anniversary convention next week because she refuses to endorse a store that sells live birds and Petco is unwilling to meet her request to stop. In a letter to Petco CEO Kevin Whalen, Pamela said, "I would gladly do the appearance if Petco pledges to end the sale of all birds, big and small, by January 2006."

This is probably for the best, since I was planning on making my way up to the anniversary convention as well and eating a live calf. I know how sensitive Pamela Anderson can be about animals, so I think seeing me take a bite out of a baby cow and going "Mmm, that's rare" would rub her the wrong way. You've got to admit though, those live baby cows sure are delicious.

John Casablancas is mad at Naomi Campbell

John Casablancas, the founder of Elite Model, is allegedly upset with Naomi Campbell because she told Page Six about a note he sent her apologizing for calling her "unbearable" in an interview with Complex magazine.

"I'm happy to see that my note to you allowed you to save face with the press," Casablancas told Naomi via an email. "Too bad that it was also used to make me look like [bleep]. For the record, I don't grovel (and you of all people should know that!) and I feel quite comfortable with my contradictory feelings about you: A+ as a person; D- for behavior with your bookers. I know you know what I mean. Love, John."

Additionally, a representative for Casablancas stated that he wouldn't apologize to Gisele Bundchen for calling her "an empty shell, one big void" in the same article. I guess that's fair, since television and stereotypes have taught me that all beautiful people are ugly on the inside. It doesn't matter if you graduated from Princeton and work at soup kitchens in your spare time, because if you're a supermodel then you're automatically a stupid monkey that only cares about makeup and money. Or, in the case of Naomi Campbell, a crazy psycho woman that beats up maids and head-butts personal assistants. Really though, who doesn't head-butt personal assistants?

Scarlett Johansson shocked she has big boobs

The Daily Record reports that Scarlett Johansson nearly crashed her car when she saw her digitally enhanced boobs on a billboard, slamming on her brakes when confronted with the huge advert.

"I was driving through Los Angeles and I look up and see the biggest photo of me I have ever seen in my life on a massive ad space. I screamed and slammed on the brakes. I couldn't believe it. It's very strange to see my cleavage the size of a brontosaurus. My breasts were huge. I had long hair and my goodness, I couldn't get past the cleavage."

I think I saw that exact same billboard, but instead of almost crashing, I just took off my pants and started fondling myself instead. The guy behind me was upset because I was holding up traffic, but when he walked up to my car I just pointed to the billboard and he understood. Or at least I assume he understood, because he started taking off his pants as well. Now that I think about it, that was a pretty weird day.

Jessica Alba had an eating disorder

Jessica Alba has admitted to Glamour magazine that she suffered from anorexia several years ago, starving herself and becoming obsessed with exercise during her preparation for Dark Angel, at one point even dropping to 100lbs.

"A lot of girls have eating disorders, and I did too. I got obsessed with it. When I went from a girl's body to a woman's body with natural fat in places, I freaked out. It makes you feel weird, like you're not ready for that body."

Jessica, who also suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder and panic attacks, is also quoted in The Sun as saying, "Everyone in my family is heavily overweight and I wanted to be healthier, so I started cooking for myself when I was 12."

So there it is, ladies. If you want to be crotch-kickingly sexy like Jessica Alba, you have to develop an eating disorder and starve yourself until you look the way a real woman should: like a sexy zombie skeleton. Sure it might be stupid and dangerous, but that's the price you have to pay if you want society to accept you. And when girls say you're too skinny and guys say you're disgusting, that just means they're jealous. Fat people are always jealous.

Paris Hilton's ring is too heavy

In the upcoming issue of US Weekly, a source reveals that Paris Hilton has been complaining her engagement ring hurts her finger because it's too heavy.

“[Hilton] started complaining how heavy her 24-carat ring was and that her finger hurt.” US Weekly also reports that fiancé Paris Latsis, heir to a Greek shipping fortune, “got her a more manageable diamond-less platinum Cartier band for everyday wear.”

To be fair, 24-carats is a pretty ridiculous weight to be carrying around on your finger. Imagine, if you will, wearing a TV on your finger 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Now imagine that TV is made out of diamond and worth 100 gajillion dollars, and you'll have an idea of what Paris Hilton has to go through. Say what you will, but that girl is a hero.

[Image: Getty Images via MSNBC]

Tara Reid is still a drunken whore

As if Tara Reid's transition from American Pie actress into ultimate whore wasn't evident enough, here are some pictures of her and Paris Hilton looking classy as ever at the VIP Room. From the looks of things, maybe she should have put off that new boob job and gotten some work done on her ass. If you're going to be stumbling around drunk in clubs letting random people grab your butt, maybe put some effort into making it at least slightly appealing. Or, you know, cover it up with a skirt that actually reaches below the cheeks. Then again, I have no idea what it takes to be a drunken whore so maybe I should just leave it to the professionals who know what they're doing.

Thanks to the awesomely sexy Justin for the pictures.