Tara Reid is still a drunken whore

As if Tara Reid's transition from American Pie actress into ultimate whore wasn't evident enough, here are some pictures of her and Paris Hilton looking classy as ever at the VIP Room. From the looks of things, maybe she should have put off that new boob job and gotten some work done on her ass. If you're going to be stumbling around drunk in clubs letting random people grab your butt, maybe put some effort into making it at least slightly appealing. Or, you know, cover it up with a skirt that actually reaches below the cheeks. Then again, I have no idea what it takes to be a drunken whore so maybe I should just leave it to the professionals who know what they're doing.

Thanks to the awesomely sexy Justin for the pictures.

Jessica Simpson wants you to get in shape

Jessica Simpson is signed to launch a new home treadmill line - as well as a workout video with her personal trainer - after she spent six days a week getting into shape for The Dukes of Hazzard.

"I have a workout video coming out and now everybody can do the Daisy Duke workout, and I have a treadmill line that I'll be selling. I hope the film inspires others to really want to get in shape. It's the toughest challenge. It was extra tough for me because I was going to be on a big screen in a bikini. For any girl, I think that would put them on the treadmill and doing extra squats. I was in the gym six days a week, two-and-a-half-hours a day with a trainer."

At first I thought the idea of Jessica Simpson selling workout tapes and treadmills was a stupid idea - like appearing in Proactiv infomercials - but then I realized that women in workout tapes usually dress in sports bras and spandex shorts, and Jessica Simpson in a sports bra and spandex shorts isn't a bad idea at all. In fact, it's almost as brilliant as Carmen Electra releasing a strip aerobics video. And in case you weren't aware, "brilliant" and "humongously sexy" have pretty much the same meaning to me, which should explain why I always feel so dirty after talking about Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking.

Jennifer Lopez gets depressed

Apparently Elle magazine made Jennifer Lopez sad when they asked how she felt about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner expecting a baby. When asked of the pregnancy, she replied, "I hope that they're happy. You know, it's a beautiful thing. There are no hard feelings." But when Elle apologized for raising the subject, Lopez - who later admitted that becoming a mother is one of her ultimate dreams - responded, "Yeah, you depressed me."

If I worked for a magazine - which I don't, so start sending in offers - I would be the worst interviewer in the history of the world. Not only would I ask the most personal and hurtful questions possible, I'd also bring up totally inappropriate topics like the Holocaust and short people. "So Jennifer, what are your views on Jewish people? Do you hate them as much you hate midgets?" And just to make them even more uncomfortable, I'd bring along my pet alligator to bite them in the leg every now and then. It's not very professional, but I'll be damned if I let professionalism stand in the way of me doing whatever the heck I want.

Brooke Burke and Garth Fisher separate

People Magazine reports that Brooke Burke and her husband, Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Garth Fisher, have split up.

"We are saddened to announce that we have mutually decided to separate after seven years together," Burke and Fisher said in a statement. "Although our careers have taken us in different directions the past few years, we have a great deal of respect for one another and remain committed to raising our two children together."

This was inevitable, seeing as how every man in America wants to have sex with Brooke Burke and nobody has any idea who Garth Fisher is. I'm surprised they lasted seven years, but I guess that's the amount of time it took for Brooke to realize that she could probably be sleeping with guys that were more famous and better looking. Don't get me wrong, Garth Fisher looks like a real dream, but compared to somebody famous like Brad Pitt he looks like poo.

Kate Moss wins libel suit

A lawyer for Kate Moss said today that she has accepted substantial libel damages from Britain's Sunday Mirror that alleged she had collapsed into a coma after taking cocaine. The report publisehd online in January said that during a visit to Barcelona, Spain, in June 2001, Kate collapsed into a drug-induced coma and had to be revived after taking large amounts of cocaine. I guess the problem with the story was that they left out the part about a homeless man having sex with her passed out body before she got to the hospital. They also left out the part where she murdered three orphans because she's a supermodel and they were ugly. Maybe next time they'll remember to put in those key details and not get sued for making stuff up.

Vince Vaughn doesn't understand celebrity gossip

Vince Vaughn is a pretty hilarious actor, but when it comes to real life he's probably the biggest ass in Hollywood. He recently told reporters that he doesn't understand people who are interested in the love lives of celebrities.

"I don't know who spends their time on `Oh my God, what happened today?'" Vaughn told reporters recently, according to AP Radio.

He has this advice for those who are obsessed with celebrity gossip: "Go kiss someone and go get something to eat and take a nap, you're going to be fine, kid."

Vince needs to realize that not everybody's life is as exciting and glamorous as that of a celebrity. Nobody gives a crap about the love lives of high school janitors, but I'd wager my own genitals that Vince Vaughn would never trade places with them. Why? Because janitors don't make eleventy million dollars to make pretend for a living and be loved by half the world. If you don't want to be popular, then take up an occupation that doesn't place you in the direct view of every human on the face of the planet.

Jennifer Garner is pregnant in Alias

According to The New York Daily News, Jennifer Garner's pregnancy is to be written into her TV show Alias. Stephen McPherson, the programming chief of ABC, says: "We are going to embrace the fact that she's pregnant. We also don't want to put her in situations where she's endangering herself and the baby."

So basically Alias will transition from a show about spies and government espionage into a show about Jennifer Garner lying in bed eating pickles and ice cream, getting up every 15 minutes or so to pee. Am I the only one that thinks we've got a winner on our hands? Now that the main character has a fat belly and can't do anything except waddle around buying baby clothes, the show is guaranteed to be non-stop action and drama.

John Rutter convicted Monday

I haven't really been keeping up with the Cameron Diaz topless photo trial - mostly because I've been playing Playstation 2 all day - But John Rutter was convicted Monday on all three charges filed against him, including forgery, attempted grand theft, and perjury. The sentencing is set to take place in September, but Rutter now faces up to six years in jail. Additionally, jurors deliberated for nearly four hours in total before handing back the guilty verdict, which doesn't make much sense to me because the guy confessed that her signature on the release form was fake. Once the dude confesses you don't need four freaking hours to figure out that he's guilty. You need about as much time as it takes for you to point your finger at him in the courtroom and yell, "You're guilty!"

Jessica Alba loves monkey tongue

While filming a special for MTV, Jessica Alba claims she had a monkey's tongue inside her mouth.

"I'm shooting a special for MTV and they told me all I had to do was push my lips out a little and the monkey would give me a peck, but instead she rammed her tongue inside my mouth and swept it all around in a circle. She touched every inch in there. It was the most disgusting thing ever."

Is it wrong that I find myself wanting to kill a monkey out of vengeful jealousy? Those little bastards really have it good, lying in trees all day throwing feces, and occasionally sticking their tongues in Jessica Alba's mouth. I've tried the throwing feces thing, but until I get to make out with Jessica Alba I won't be satisfied with my life as a human. And in other semi-related news, Jessica Alba has also told Observer Magazine that she's sick of being typcast.

"The scripts I get are always for the whore, or the motorcycle chick in leather, or the horny maid. I get all these screenplays that start, 'Tawnya is in the shower. The water streams down her naked perky breasts. I don't think that is happening to Natalie Portman."

That's because Natalie Portman isn't so insanely hot that men literally die when they see her in person. I don't want to start any rumors, but this one time I saw Jessica Alba tap a guy on the shoulder to ask for directions and then his penis exploded because he couldn't handle how hot she was. True story.