Vince Vaughn doesn't understand celebrity gossip

Vince Vaughn is a pretty hilarious actor, but when it comes to real life he's probably the biggest ass in Hollywood. He recently told reporters that he doesn't understand people who are interested in the love lives of celebrities.

"I don't know who spends their time on `Oh my God, what happened today?'" Vaughn told reporters recently, according to AP Radio.

He has this advice for those who are obsessed with celebrity gossip: "Go kiss someone and go get something to eat and take a nap, you're going to be fine, kid."

Vince needs to realize that not everybody's life is as exciting and glamorous as that of a celebrity. Nobody gives a crap about the love lives of high school janitors, but I'd wager my own genitals that Vince Vaughn would never trade places with them. Why? Because janitors don't make eleventy million dollars to make pretend for a living and be loved by half the world. If you don't want to be popular, then take up an occupation that doesn't place you in the direct view of every human on the face of the planet.

Jennifer Garner is pregnant in Alias

According to The New York Daily News, Jennifer Garner's pregnancy is to be written into her TV show Alias. Stephen McPherson, the programming chief of ABC, says: "We are going to embrace the fact that she's pregnant. We also don't want to put her in situations where she's endangering herself and the baby."

So basically Alias will transition from a show about spies and government espionage into a show about Jennifer Garner lying in bed eating pickles and ice cream, getting up every 15 minutes or so to pee. Am I the only one that thinks we've got a winner on our hands? Now that the main character has a fat belly and can't do anything except waddle around buying baby clothes, the show is guaranteed to be non-stop action and drama.

John Rutter convicted Monday

I haven't really been keeping up with the Cameron Diaz topless photo trial - mostly because I've been playing Playstation 2 all day - But John Rutter was convicted Monday on all three charges filed against him, including forgery, attempted grand theft, and perjury. The sentencing is set to take place in September, but Rutter now faces up to six years in jail. Additionally, jurors deliberated for nearly four hours in total before handing back the guilty verdict, which doesn't make much sense to me because the guy confessed that her signature on the release form was fake. Once the dude confesses you don't need four freaking hours to figure out that he's guilty. You need about as much time as it takes for you to point your finger at him in the courtroom and yell, "You're guilty!"

Jessica Alba loves monkey tongue

While filming a special for MTV, Jessica Alba claims she had a monkey's tongue inside her mouth.

"I'm shooting a special for MTV and they told me all I had to do was push my lips out a little and the monkey would give me a peck, but instead she rammed her tongue inside my mouth and swept it all around in a circle. She touched every inch in there. It was the most disgusting thing ever."

Is it wrong that I find myself wanting to kill a monkey out of vengeful jealousy? Those little bastards really have it good, lying in trees all day throwing feces, and occasionally sticking their tongues in Jessica Alba's mouth. I've tried the throwing feces thing, but until I get to make out with Jessica Alba I won't be satisfied with my life as a human. And in other semi-related news, Jessica Alba has also told Observer Magazine that she's sick of being typcast.

"The scripts I get are always for the whore, or the motorcycle chick in leather, or the horny maid. I get all these screenplays that start, 'Tawnya is in the shower. The water streams down her naked perky breasts. I don't think that is happening to Natalie Portman."

That's because Natalie Portman isn't so insanely hot that men literally die when they see her in person. I don't want to start any rumors, but this one time I saw Jessica Alba tap a guy on the shoulder to ask for directions and then his penis exploded because he couldn't handle how hot she was. True story.

William H. Macy has weird stories

According to IMDB, William H. Macy thought he was being tricked when prop managers on the set of his new low-budget movie Edmond appeared to lose the key to his handcuffs during a nude scene, leaving him standing with nothing but a sock to cover his genitals during a prison scene.

"They marched me down this long hallway. I'm buck naked. I'm manacled behind my back and my feet are manacled. I do the scene four times and the property guy comes up and says, 'OK, we got it.' He says to the actor, who is playing the cop, 'Gimme the key,' who says, 'I don't have the key.' There's no key. They've lost the key. I'm buck naked. I said, 'Oh, that's really funny, you've lost the key.' The prop guy said, 'No, it isn't funny, this is really serious.' [Eventually] they found the key. I tell ya, low-budget is not for sissies."

That's sort of like what happened on the set of my low-budget film Sexy Movie 7. Except instead of losing the keys to some handcuffs, I lost all the props for the big finale scene. And by lost I mean purposely burned in the backroom. And by 'props' I mean actresses' clothes.

Thanks to William for the tip.

Charlotte Church to model lingerie

Charlotte Church is set to sign a lucrative six-figure deal to model lingerie for underwear giant La Senza after she was photographed in a bikini while on holiday in Antigua with her boyfriend Gavin Henson. A source revealed that, "They think Charlotte would be perfect".

I'm actually not familiar with La Senza, but if they think Charlotte Church would be a perfect model for their underwear, I can only assume that their products look like crap. There's a reason Victoria's Secret hires the thinnest supermodels in the world - besides trying to make regular-sized women hate themselves - and that's because it makes their lingerie look good. You're never going to see a Victoria's Secret thong modeled by some lumpy opera singer whose only appeal are her large boobs. Well you might, but that'll be the day before Victoria's Secret stock drops 8 billion percent and their head of marketing is fired for being an idiot.

Sienna Miller kisses Orlando Bloom

Sienna Miller was caught kissing Orlando Bloom - whom she briefly dated four years ago - at a Cartier-sponsored polo match in Windsor over the weekend.

"They spent ages cuddling, kissing and gazing at each other. There was real chemistry," one witness said. Another guest at the event added, "They talked for ages but Sienna jumped off his lap pretty sharpish as she could feel everyone staring at them. She gave him her number and they arranged to meet again, away from prying eyes. She then left with her friends but looked sad to be going. She kept turning around to say goodbye to him."

I don't know, man, why would Sienna Miller be kissing Orlando Bloom when she could be kissing the man that cheated on her with her nanny? It just doesn't make any sense. I've got a framed degree in my office that says I'm a relationship expert so I think I know what I'm talking about when I say most women enjoy it when their fiances cheat on them with the nanny. Wait, did I say framed degree? I meant ham sandwich.

Usher spends $1 million on watch

Usher has spent over $1 million on a custom-made watch which features his face. Designed by Rocawear owner Damon Dash, the watch is studded with 1,106 diamonds and is currently on display at London's Natural History Museum. And in case the thought of Usher's face on your $1 million watch doesn't sound appealing, I've decided to go ahead and make my own $1 million watch featuring Pauly Shore. It might not be as blingy as Usher's watch, but anybody who spends $1 million on a watch with Pauly Shore on the face is officially the world's most awesome person.

*Update: Thanks to Ray for sending in this picture of the watch. I didn't actually realize how ugly it was until I saw it.

Kevin Federline misses son's birthday

Page Six reports that Kevin Federline skipped the first birthday party of his son Kaleb, one of his two kids with ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson. A spokeswoman for Shar claims that Kaleb's birthday last Wednesday "came and went without a visit, present or phone call from Kevin or Britney."

It must be hard to keep track of all your kids' birthdays when you've got like a billion of them to random women you met in hillbilly land. My friend Kiori memorized pi to 36,623 digits and even she can't count the number of hillbilly kids that Kevin Federline has running around. And maybe I made that up, but maybe Kevin Federline is also a manwhore. You be the judge.