Charlotte Church to model lingerie

Charlotte Church is set to sign a lucrative six-figure deal to model lingerie for underwear giant La Senza after she was photographed in a bikini while on holiday in Antigua with her boyfriend Gavin Henson. A source revealed that, "They think Charlotte would be perfect".

I'm actually not familiar with La Senza, but if they think Charlotte Church would be a perfect model for their underwear, I can only assume that their products look like crap. There's a reason Victoria's Secret hires the thinnest supermodels in the world - besides trying to make regular-sized women hate themselves - and that's because it makes their lingerie look good. You're never going to see a Victoria's Secret thong modeled by some lumpy opera singer whose only appeal are her large boobs. Well you might, but that'll be the day before Victoria's Secret stock drops 8 billion percent and their head of marketing is fired for being an idiot.

Sienna Miller kisses Orlando Bloom

Sienna Miller was caught kissing Orlando Bloom - whom she briefly dated four years ago - at a Cartier-sponsored polo match in Windsor over the weekend.

"They spent ages cuddling, kissing and gazing at each other. There was real chemistry," one witness said. Another guest at the event added, "They talked for ages but Sienna jumped off his lap pretty sharpish as she could feel everyone staring at them. She gave him her number and they arranged to meet again, away from prying eyes. She then left with her friends but looked sad to be going. She kept turning around to say goodbye to him."

I don't know, man, why would Sienna Miller be kissing Orlando Bloom when she could be kissing the man that cheated on her with her nanny? It just doesn't make any sense. I've got a framed degree in my office that says I'm a relationship expert so I think I know what I'm talking about when I say most women enjoy it when their fiances cheat on them with the nanny. Wait, did I say framed degree? I meant ham sandwich.

Usher spends $1 million on watch

Usher has spent over $1 million on a custom-made watch which features his face. Designed by Rocawear owner Damon Dash, the watch is studded with 1,106 diamonds and is currently on display at London's Natural History Museum. And in case the thought of Usher's face on your $1 million watch doesn't sound appealing, I've decided to go ahead and make my own $1 million watch featuring Pauly Shore. It might not be as blingy as Usher's watch, but anybody who spends $1 million on a watch with Pauly Shore on the face is officially the world's most awesome person.

*Update: Thanks to Ray for sending in this picture of the watch. I didn't actually realize how ugly it was until I saw it.

Kevin Federline misses son's birthday

Page Six reports that Kevin Federline skipped the first birthday party of his son Kaleb, one of his two kids with ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson. A spokeswoman for Shar claims that Kaleb's birthday last Wednesday "came and went without a visit, present or phone call from Kevin or Britney."

It must be hard to keep track of all your kids' birthdays when you've got like a billion of them to random women you met in hillbilly land. My friend Kiori memorized pi to 36,623 digits and even she can't count the number of hillbilly kids that Kevin Federline has running around. And maybe I made that up, but maybe Kevin Federline is also a manwhore. You be the judge.

Britney Spears due in September

Jamie-Lynn Spears has confirmed that Britney Spears' baby is due in September. Speaking in a posting on her official website, Jamie-Lynn said she was currently living in Los Angeles, near Britney and Kevin Federline.

"I get to spend a lot of time with Britney. We are getting ready for the new baby's arrival in September!!! I can't wait. I have been shopping so much for the baby and it is not even here yet."

And if there are any pregnant women out there, please for the love of all humanity use Britney Spears as an example of how not to dress while pregnant. I'll be the first to admit that pregnancy is a beautiful thing, but when you slut it up it sort of loses its charm. Kind of like that time I drew boobs on the Mona Lisa and then everybody at the museum started yelling at me. I just naturally assumed that nudity improved everything, but apparently I was wrong. Go figure.

Kate Moss dumps Pete Doherty

I'm never going to understand how loser crack addicts like Pete Doherty manage to get with supermodels like Kate Moss. In an effort to make the Universe right again though, Kate has reportedly dumped Pete after he got into a violent street brawl with a gang of Somalis.

The supermodel is so fed up worrying about the wayward singer, she ordered him to move out of her country mansion.

Before leaving for a modelling job in America, she told him in a tearful call: "Make sure your bags are gone by the time I return."

Mum-of-one Kate, 31, told friends: "I still love Pete but can't put up with his unpredictability any more. It's not like I'm 17 and don't mind not knowing where he is and who he is with. I love him so much and he has broken my heart. I feel like a devastated schoolgirl."

Plus there's really no reason for a woman like Kate Moss to be with somebody so pathetic that she could beat the crap out of them. It makes perfect sense for supermodels to love me - considering I was named Cosmopolitan's sexiest human ever and I'm filthy rich - but there's really no reason for them to be lowering themselves to fools like Pete. In the future, any supermodels who are about to get with some shaggy-looking druggie should just break it off and move in with me instead. I've got a giant trampoline in my backyard and it's totally sweet.

Thanks to Linc for the tip.

Ricky Martin supports terrorists

After a visit to the Middle East, Ricky Martin has pledged to try and end negative stereotypes of Arabs.

"I promise I will become a spokesperson, if you allow me to, a spokesperson on your behalf. I will defend you and try to get rid of any stereotypes," he told Arab teenagers attending a youth conference. "I have been a victim of stereotypes. I come from Latin America and to some countries, we are considered 'losers,' drug traffickers, and that is not fair because that is generalizing."

To be fair to America, Ricky Martin really is a 'loser' so the stereotypes aren't all wrong. There's something about the way he shakes his hips with complete disregard for rhythm that really solidifies his role as complete and utter douche. And I'm not trying to promote any terrorist stereotyping, but Ricky Martin is an idiot for thinking he can change anybody's opinion about anything. I think we can round up anybody who looks to Ricky Martin for guidance and shoot them into the sun. Sure, friends and families might mourn, but that's the price you have to pay if you're so stupid you need Ricky Martin to educate you about ignorance.

Paris Hilton has a messy car

A source told the London Daily Record that a valet recently refused to park Paris Hilton's Land Rover because it was a complete mess.

“There must have been at least 100 magazines, but more shocking than that, make-up, cell phones, handbags and clothes, including a lot of underwear,” said the source. "We had to turn her away because it's company policy not to touch that kind of stuff."

I was expecting to see 'condoms' somewhere in that list, but then I realized that classy women like Paris Hilton don't use condoms. Heck, classy women like Paris Hilton don't even use clothes. They just sort of wander around and if they happen to be covered up great. If not, whatever. It's all good.

Ashanti breached contract

A federal jury concluded yesterday that Ashanti owes $630,000 to her first producer for breach of contract. Ashanti testified during the four-day trial that Parker did not live up to the terms of their deal as he helped her create music in a home studio that was so crude she sang in the bathroom. Ashanti's lawyer, Harry Stokes, said Ashanti was disappointed and the verdict would be appealed.

I don't really see what the big deal here is. First of all, Ashanti has way more than $630,000 so she should just pay the guy now and then hire a hitman to get it all back later. Secondly, singing in the bathroom is totally awesome, because if you want to take a dump while in the middle of recording you can just sit down and not have to walk anywhere. I tried doing that in my living room once, but the couch just ended up a huge mess. I don't know if you know this, but leather and feces do not mix.