Ashanti breached contract

A federal jury concluded yesterday that Ashanti owes $630,000 to her first producer for breach of contract. Ashanti testified during the four-day trial that Parker did not live up to the terms of their deal as he helped her create music in a home studio that was so crude she sang in the bathroom. Ashanti's lawyer, Harry Stokes, said Ashanti was disappointed and the verdict would be appealed.

I don't really see what the big deal here is. First of all, Ashanti has way more than $630,000 so she should just pay the guy now and then hire a hitman to get it all back later. Secondly, singing in the bathroom is totally awesome, because if you want to take a dump while in the middle of recording you can just sit down and not have to walk anywhere. I tried doing that in my living room once, but the couch just ended up a huge mess. I don't know if you know this, but leather and feces do not mix.

Brad Pitt accepts check

Brad Pitt, diagnosed with a mild case of viral meningitis and released from the hospital last week, accepted a $250,000 check on behalf of the Film Foundation Inc. at the Hollywood Foreign Press Association luncheon in Beverly Hills. In other news, Brad Pitt also reported that his master race of Brad Pitt robots was coming along nicely, and that his shipment of sharks with lasers attached to their heads had been delivered on time. An exact date still hasn't been set, but world domination should be within his grasp in a matter of months.

When you're so important that news agencies report on whether you're coughing or not coughing, world domination is just the next logical step. This is how Hitler started, people. First the AP was like, "Hitler has the flu" and then they were all, "Hitler picks up a check" and then the next thing you know World War II was breaking out. I'm just saying, if Brad Pitt starts buying up nuclear warheads and statues made in his honor, you shouldn't be surprised.

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee not engaged

Pamela Anderson has denied reports that she is set to re-marry Tommy Lee for a third time. Rumors had been circulating that she was to marry later this week, with details of a black diamond engagement ring, and reports that friends had been told to put the event in their datebooks. However, according to MSNBC, Pamela has denied she is going to re-marry Tommy.

"There is absolutely no truth to the recent tabloid reports Tommy Lee and I are engaged and getting married. I have two beautiful children with Tommy and I will continue to be close friends and supportive of him."

Even though she's about the dumbest blonde you can think of, it's nice to know that Pamela Anderson has at least a little bit of sense in her. Heck, she even turned down my offer to star in Back Alley Porno Girls 6. I guess when you've reached whatever age she is, you learn to love and respect yourself too much to get back together with a wife beater, or to do shady pornography shoots in the dark alley behind 7-11. Although I think if I call her fat and ugly a few more times, I can lower her self-esteem and get her to reconsider. I mean it's not everyday you get offered the role of Bambi, the back alley prostitute who gives blowjobs in exchange for anal sex.

Cameron Diaz signature was faked

Under cross-examination yesterday, the guy who took topless photos of Cameron Diaz acknowledged that someone had likely faked her signature on a form that purportedly gave him ownership of the pictures, but it wasn't him. John Rutter testified that he initially thought the signature on a model release form he showed Diaz was authentic, adding he was simply giving her "right of first refusal" before he sold the photos to someone else. When asked repeatedly by Deputy District Attorney David Walgren whether he now believes the signature is fake, Rutter said several times, "It looks like that."

Could it be that Cameron Diaz is actually the one being truthful in all of this? I am shocked and amazed to find that a respectable Hollywood actress would be more likely to tell the truth than some seedy photographer who likes to take topless pictures of women and sell them back to them for a hefty profit. It's like my world is turned upside down. Next thing you know, they'll be telling me that porn directors aren't the bastions of morality I've always believed them to be.

James Doohan and Gerry Thomas die

James Doohan, best known as Scotty on Star Trek, died in Washington State at the age of 85 after a long fight against Alzheimer's. Additionally, Gerry Thomas, the inventor of the TV dinner, has also passed away at the age of 83.

Seems like today is a pretty sad day in the world of somewhat obscure famous people. I'd say more, but there's nothing funny about death, especially when it's of two people that don't suck. I pretty much survive on TV dinners since my supermodel girlfriends don't cook - or eat for that matter - and I can't make squat on my own. Gerry Thomas, you will be missed.

The Smurfs and The Transformers will be movies

Variety reports that Paramount's Nickelodeon Movies is doing a CGI animated Smurfs trilogy which is currently in the works and set to debut in 2008. The Smurfs started in 1958 in Europe, but only became popular in the United States after the cartoon show in the 1980's. There's no word yet on who will provide the voices, since the voice actors who portrayed Gargamel, Baby Smurf and Papa Smurf have passed away, though 76-year-old Lucille Bliss, the voice of Smurfette, is still working. And in case this wasn't weird enough news, DreamWorks and Paramount are also working on a live-action adaptation of The Transformers to be directed by Michael Bay.

The Smurfs trilogy should be pretty decent, but a live-action Transformers movie by Michael Bay has the potential to actually murder nerds with its level of awesomeness. Michael Bay isn't the best director in the world, but he does what he does with just the right amount of enthusiasm and nonsensical action that Transformers needs. Seriously, picture the attack scene during Pearl Harbor but with Optimus Prime and a bunch of other big ass transforming robot cars. That's murderific, people.

Jessica Alba isn't a prostitute

Jessica Alba has slammed Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for using their high profile romance to boost both their careers, taking the position that celebrity couples prostitute their relationships when they reveal intimate secrets, and insisting they only do so to sell movies and win roles.

"I don't date actors and I don't date people to get ahead in my career. I don't want to comment on Tom's relationship with Katie, but I'm a very private person and I don't feel you should talk about your private life. I think it's best to keep this sort of thing to yourself."

I agree that prostituting your relationship for your career is wrong, but I feel that prostituting your body for your career is totally okay. That said, somebody needs to convince Jessica Alba that I'm a big shot director (which I am) and the only way for her to star in my next big film is to perform sexual favors for me. Sure, it might be a little degrading, but that's the price you have to pay if you want the leading role in Casablanca 2: The Reckoning.

Daryl Hannah quits movies to save world

Daryl Hannah has decided to quit the entertainment business so that she can devote her time to saving the planet, with Living Neon Dreams being her last role.

"I am more focused on trying to save the planet and other living creatures than on my career at the moment. I won't be doing anything for a while because I'm focused on environmental issues. I live in a solar-powered house built with eco-friendly materials and things salvaged from a 19th century barn. I also drive a 100 per cent bio-diesel car. I try to follow this ideal through all aspects of my life."

You know what life she should especially be trying to save? Her own. From me. There's nothing I hate more than pretentious celebrities running around preaching about how they're doing their part to save the world so everybody else should too. A hundred dollars says that Daryl's "solar-powered house built with eco-friendly materials" is a gigantic mansion that cost more resources to build than most people could produce in their entire lifetime. I'm not saying that everybody should go out and start cutting down rain forests, but it's a little easier to be an environmentalist when you have hundreds of millions of dollars and don't have to worry about getting a second job at the local factory to send your kid to college.

Jordan wants world's longest wedding dress

Jordan, the UK version of Pamela Anderson, allegedly wants her wedding dress to be over 2,545 ft long, setting a new world record for the longest wedding train. Accoding to The Sun, the previous record was set three years ago by a Dutch bride, but Jordan wants to beat the length when she marries her fiance Peter Andre in September.

"Jordan looks amazing in the dress," a friend of hers says. "No one will believe how huge it is until they see it. She wanted her special day to be remembered by everyone and she has certainly made sure of that. Jordan is going to need a lot of bridesmaids."

There was a time when I thought bigger was better too, but then one day I was eating my table-sized pancake for breakfast and thought to myself, "You know what. Maybe this pancake is too big." Then again, Jordan's humongous boobs have been treating her pretty well so maybe the going big thing works for her. I guess drifting into fame on her breast size isn't enough though, so Jordan wants to solidify her position as a pseudo-celebrity by making a mockery of her wedding as well. Since she seems willing to do just about anything for attention, she might as well just start eating kittens. Not only would she become even more famous, she'd also get to taste delicious kitten meat. It's a win-win situation.