Jessica Alba isn't a prostitute

Jessica Alba has slammed Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for using their high profile romance to boost both their careers, taking the position that celebrity couples prostitute their relationships when they reveal intimate secrets, and insisting they only do so to sell movies and win roles.

"I don't date actors and I don't date people to get ahead in my career. I don't want to comment on Tom's relationship with Katie, but I'm a very private person and I don't feel you should talk about your private life. I think it's best to keep this sort of thing to yourself."

I agree that prostituting your relationship for your career is wrong, but I feel that prostituting your body for your career is totally okay. That said, somebody needs to convince Jessica Alba that I'm a big shot director (which I am) and the only way for her to star in my next big film is to perform sexual favors for me. Sure, it might be a little degrading, but that's the price you have to pay if you want the leading role in Casablanca 2: The Reckoning.

Daryl Hannah quits movies to save world

Daryl Hannah has decided to quit the entertainment business so that she can devote her time to saving the planet, with Living Neon Dreams being her last role.

"I am more focused on trying to save the planet and other living creatures than on my career at the moment. I won't be doing anything for a while because I'm focused on environmental issues. I live in a solar-powered house built with eco-friendly materials and things salvaged from a 19th century barn. I also drive a 100 per cent bio-diesel car. I try to follow this ideal through all aspects of my life."

You know what life she should especially be trying to save? Her own. From me. There's nothing I hate more than pretentious celebrities running around preaching about how they're doing their part to save the world so everybody else should too. A hundred dollars says that Daryl's "solar-powered house built with eco-friendly materials" is a gigantic mansion that cost more resources to build than most people could produce in their entire lifetime. I'm not saying that everybody should go out and start cutting down rain forests, but it's a little easier to be an environmentalist when you have hundreds of millions of dollars and don't have to worry about getting a second job at the local factory to send your kid to college.

Jordan wants world's longest wedding dress

Jordan, the UK version of Pamela Anderson, allegedly wants her wedding dress to be over 2,545 ft long, setting a new world record for the longest wedding train. Accoding to The Sun, the previous record was set three years ago by a Dutch bride, but Jordan wants to beat the length when she marries her fiance Peter Andre in September.

"Jordan looks amazing in the dress," a friend of hers says. "No one will believe how huge it is until they see it. She wanted her special day to be remembered by everyone and she has certainly made sure of that. Jordan is going to need a lot of bridesmaids."

There was a time when I thought bigger was better too, but then one day I was eating my table-sized pancake for breakfast and thought to myself, "You know what. Maybe this pancake is too big." Then again, Jordan's humongous boobs have been treating her pretty well so maybe the going big thing works for her. I guess drifting into fame on her breast size isn't enough though, so Jordan wants to solidify her position as a pseudo-celebrity by making a mockery of her wedding as well. Since she seems willing to do just about anything for attention, she might as well just start eating kittens. Not only would she become even more famous, she'd also get to taste delicious kitten meat. It's a win-win situation.

Jessica Simpson might adopt a Mexican orphan. Maybe.

According to rumors with absolutely no basis, Jessica Simpson wants to adopt a Mexican baby. She revealed that when she was 16-years old, she visited an orphanage in Mexico and wanted to take the kids home with her.

"That's what I wanted for my birthday but I couldn't legally get a baby across the Mexican border," she said. She also hinted that she might adopt, saying, "I'll end up doing something which will touch somebody in some way that's good... through orphanages."

Meanwhile, Johnny Knoxville has urged the press to stop the rumors that he had an affair with Jessica Simpson. "Jessica and I are just friends. She's a great girl and all that, but all the rumours. I just take it in my stride, but it's kind of hurtful to the families that are involved."

I don't know what Knoxville's problem is. If I had an affair with Jessica Simpson I'd be telling every single person I met. Heck, even if I didn't have an affair with her I'd still be telling people I did. Last time I checked, Jessica Simpson was so super duper hot that the sun was like, "Hot damn, that's hot. And I'm the freaking Sun!"

Jessica Alba thinks actors suck

Jessica Alba has vowed to never date anymore actors because they're too vain, with previous actor boyfriends including Mark Wahlberg and Michael Weatherly, who she was engaged to. She's currently dating assistant director Cash Warren, who she met on the set of Fantastic Four, and insists male actors are more diva-like than women.

"I'm way too high maintenance to be in a relationship with an actor. I don't need a man who spends as much time in front of the mirror as me."

Also, in an interview with Britain's Cosmopolitan magazine, she added that actors weren't as tough off screen.

"When I used to do action scenes in Dark Angel I had to play it rough. If you hit an actress accidentally she'd take it on the chin, but the guys would take a 20 minute break and ask for x-rays. I'd tell them, 'Come on, man. You're supposed to be a tough guy.' I'm telling you - actors aren't as tough as they seem on screen."

Heck, I could have told her that. I was on the set of The Scorpion King this one time and I saw The Rock sitting there doing bench presses in between takes so I went up to him and kicked him right in the crotch. He totally dropped the barbell and started screaming like a little girl. Pfft, what a whimp. If he's so tough, he should've been able to handle my six kicks to his groin while he was bench pressing 300 lbs.

Lorenzo Lamas not getting married. Also not a llama.

Lorenzo Lamas was supposed to get married a fifth time to Playboy Playmate Barbara Moore on Saturday, but the wedding was suddenly called off that morning. A source told Page Six, "Lorenzo surprised Barbara at her bachelorette party Friday night and caught her in a compromising position with a male stripper."

"Barbara and I would first like to thank our family and friends who have expressed concern at this time," said Lorenzo via his agent. "It is comforting to have their love and support. The two of us have chosen to take different paths, but will continue to support each other in the spirit of the goodness and light that brought us together."

I guess it's true what they say about actors you haven't thought about in 15 years: their fiances like to cheat on them with male strippers. Okay, I'm not sure if that's actually something people say, but maybe they should. Because, uh, I said so, and whatever I say should be what people say. And just for future reference, I also say, "Whales are too damn big." So you should probably go around saying that. Try to work it into every other sentence if you can. Especially around your boss, so they think you're some sort of crazy person who's deeply upset about the size of whales.

Courtney Love trying to lose weight

Courtney Love is apparently so upset about how fat she's gotten that she's started working out with Pamela Anderson in hopes of getting back in shape. Courtney was ordered to complete a rehabilitation program by a Los Angeles court last July and has been free of alcohol and drugs for a year, but turned to food to help her overcome her addictions.

"I'm working out. Pamela Anderson runs with me up the steps of Pepperdine University. She's like my personal trainer. I'm a size 30 jeans now."

It's nice to know that in between getting re-married and plastic surgery, Pamela Anderson can find the time to help out her fat friends. Unfortunately, losing a ton of weight isn't going to help Courtney Love if she still looks like a drugged up clown prostitute. From the looks of things, her idea of getting done up is to smear lipstick all over her face and then rub her hair with a a twig she probably found in her backyard. I don't know about you, but I prefer to brush my hair with things that I don't find lying in a mound of dog feces.

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are getting married again

Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are reportedly set to remarry, possibly at the end of the week. According to Page Six, Tommy Lee proposed to Pamela Anderson last Friday at the Palms Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas and she said yes.

"He got her a black diamond with two gray diamonds on the side," says the source. "After she said yes, they flew on the Palm's private jet back to L.A. — but they crossed out the 'l' on the side of the jet so it said 'Pam's.' "

I'm not going to pretend I know what's going on with Pamela Anderson, but maybe re-marrying the man that used to beat her isn't the best idea in the world. Then again, neither was dating Kid Rock, starring in a crappy show, or having two sons that will need years of therapy because their mom is Pamela Anderson. At least she still has her huge fake boobs, so that's cool. If anybody ever questions her integrity as a human, she can just pull them out and say, "See these? These are big breasts, baby. And that means I'm classy." Okay, I have no idea what the boob reference had to do with anything, but talking about Pamela Anderson and not mentioning her breasts is like talking about King Kong and not mentioning he's a giant ape that scales buildings and fights dinosaurs.

Colin Farrell not happy about sex tape

Colin Farrell has started legal action to prevent the sale and distribution of his sex tape, claiming he and former Playboy playmate Nicole Narain made the tape two-and-a-half years ago but agreed it would remain "strictly private and confidential between them". The suit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court allege that David Hans Schmidt had proposed a meeting with Colin's representatives to discuss "commercialisation of the videotape for profit". Additionally, the suit names Paul Nash, the director of marketing and operations of an internet pornography company, as a defendant in the case. Colin claims that no one has the right to license or distribute the tape and wants a court order barring them from selling it.

I guess this means that the sex tape is real, though whether or not anybody gets to see it is still up in the air. And by 'up in the air' I mean by next month everybody in the world will have seen it twice. That's the magic of the internet. Even seven-year old Timmy who's looking up the lyrics to his favorite Disney song will mistakenly stumble upon it, not understanding what the hell he's looking at, but knowing that the strange tingling in his pee-pee will change his life forever.