Jessica Alba thinks actors suck

Jessica Alba has vowed to never date anymore actors because they're too vain, with previous actor boyfriends including Mark Wahlberg and Michael Weatherly, who she was engaged to. She's currently dating assistant director Cash Warren, who she met on the set of Fantastic Four, and insists male actors are more diva-like than women.

"I'm way too high maintenance to be in a relationship with an actor. I don't need a man who spends as much time in front of the mirror as me."

Also, in an interview with Britain's Cosmopolitan magazine, she added that actors weren't as tough off screen.

"When I used to do action scenes in Dark Angel I had to play it rough. If you hit an actress accidentally she'd take it on the chin, but the guys would take a 20 minute break and ask for x-rays. I'd tell them, 'Come on, man. You're supposed to be a tough guy.' I'm telling you - actors aren't as tough as they seem on screen."

Heck, I could have told her that. I was on the set of The Scorpion King this one time and I saw The Rock sitting there doing bench presses in between takes so I went up to him and kicked him right in the crotch. He totally dropped the barbell and started screaming like a little girl. Pfft, what a whimp. If he's so tough, he should've been able to handle my six kicks to his groin while he was bench pressing 300 lbs.

Lorenzo Lamas not getting married. Also not a llama.

Lorenzo Lamas was supposed to get married a fifth time to Playboy Playmate Barbara Moore on Saturday, but the wedding was suddenly called off that morning. A source told Page Six, "Lorenzo surprised Barbara at her bachelorette party Friday night and caught her in a compromising position with a male stripper."

"Barbara and I would first like to thank our family and friends who have expressed concern at this time," said Lorenzo via his agent. "It is comforting to have their love and support. The two of us have chosen to take different paths, but will continue to support each other in the spirit of the goodness and light that brought us together."

I guess it's true what they say about actors you haven't thought about in 15 years: their fiances like to cheat on them with male strippers. Okay, I'm not sure if that's actually something people say, but maybe they should. Because, uh, I said so, and whatever I say should be what people say. And just for future reference, I also say, "Whales are too damn big." So you should probably go around saying that. Try to work it into every other sentence if you can. Especially around your boss, so they think you're some sort of crazy person who's deeply upset about the size of whales.

Courtney Love trying to lose weight

Courtney Love is apparently so upset about how fat she's gotten that she's started working out with Pamela Anderson in hopes of getting back in shape. Courtney was ordered to complete a rehabilitation program by a Los Angeles court last July and has been free of alcohol and drugs for a year, but turned to food to help her overcome her addictions.

"I'm working out. Pamela Anderson runs with me up the steps of Pepperdine University. She's like my personal trainer. I'm a size 30 jeans now."

It's nice to know that in between getting re-married and plastic surgery, Pamela Anderson can find the time to help out her fat friends. Unfortunately, losing a ton of weight isn't going to help Courtney Love if she still looks like a drugged up clown prostitute. From the looks of things, her idea of getting done up is to smear lipstick all over her face and then rub her hair with a a twig she probably found in her backyard. I don't know about you, but I prefer to brush my hair with things that I don't find lying in a mound of dog feces.

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are getting married again

Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are reportedly set to remarry, possibly at the end of the week. According to Page Six, Tommy Lee proposed to Pamela Anderson last Friday at the Palms Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas and she said yes.

"He got her a black diamond with two gray diamonds on the side," says the source. "After she said yes, they flew on the Palm's private jet back to L.A. — but they crossed out the 'l' on the side of the jet so it said 'Pam's.' "

I'm not going to pretend I know what's going on with Pamela Anderson, but maybe re-marrying the man that used to beat her isn't the best idea in the world. Then again, neither was dating Kid Rock, starring in a crappy show, or having two sons that will need years of therapy because their mom is Pamela Anderson. At least she still has her huge fake boobs, so that's cool. If anybody ever questions her integrity as a human, she can just pull them out and say, "See these? These are big breasts, baby. And that means I'm classy." Okay, I have no idea what the boob reference had to do with anything, but talking about Pamela Anderson and not mentioning her breasts is like talking about King Kong and not mentioning he's a giant ape that scales buildings and fights dinosaurs.

Colin Farrell not happy about sex tape

Colin Farrell has started legal action to prevent the sale and distribution of his sex tape, claiming he and former Playboy playmate Nicole Narain made the tape two-and-a-half years ago but agreed it would remain "strictly private and confidential between them". The suit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court allege that David Hans Schmidt had proposed a meeting with Colin's representatives to discuss "commercialisation of the videotape for profit". Additionally, the suit names Paul Nash, the director of marketing and operations of an internet pornography company, as a defendant in the case. Colin claims that no one has the right to license or distribute the tape and wants a court order barring them from selling it.

I guess this means that the sex tape is real, though whether or not anybody gets to see it is still up in the air. And by 'up in the air' I mean by next month everybody in the world will have seen it twice. That's the magic of the internet. Even seven-year old Timmy who's looking up the lyrics to his favorite Disney song will mistakenly stumble upon it, not understanding what the hell he's looking at, but knowing that the strange tingling in his pee-pee will change his life forever.

Hilary Duff has giant new veneers

A number of readers have written in about Hilary Duff's awesomely large veneers. Apparently she was on Jay Leno last week and her new veneers were so large that she had a difficult time speaking. I didn't actually catch it, but I imagine Hilary Duff blabbering like a lunatic, with drool dripping out of her mouth because she couldn't close it over her huge teeth. And then maybe she took a bite out of an oversized lollipop and said, "See, Jay? They're huge!"

I really don't see what all the fuss is about though. If Hilary Duff wants to fill her mouth with ridiculously large teeth then that's her own awesome decision. My seven-year old cousin likes to put on oversized novelty sunglasses and we all think that's the cutest thing in the world. Then again, novelty sunglasses aren't permanent giant horse teeth, so maybe it's not quite as cute.

Frankie Muniz is engaged

People Magazine reports that 19-year old Frankie Muniz has gotten engaged to his girlfriend, Jamie, whom he met in New Orleans this spring while shooting a movie. His publicist, Cara Tripicchio, confirmed the news, adding that no wedding date has been set.

The rep declined to give out the last name of Muniz's fiancée but said she's not an actress, she's from New Orleans, and the pair met in her hometown this spring while Muniz was filming the horror movie Stay Alive.

I don't know what it is about Malcom but his face makes me want to punch him in the throat. Or not so much punch him in the throat as drive over him in my car and then draw a Hitler mustache on him while he's down. And then I would find a Jewish community center and throw him inside with a letter in his pocket that read "I am the son of Hitler! I will kill you all!" Man, that Malcom sure is politically incorrect.

Colin Farrel and Nicole Narain make sex tape

Page Six reports that a man who identified himself as J.J. called them and asked for advice on selling what he says is an authentic, 14-minute sex tape of Colin Farrell and Plaboy model Nicole Narain, but admits he doesn't have model releases from Colin or Nicole who briefly dated him two years ago.

J.J. described the steamy tape in graphic detail, starting with a naked Nicole in her living room turning on some music, and ending with Farrell pointing the camera at her white cat in the corner of the room and saying, "Baby, you have the most beautiful [kitty]."

In between, Narain, who was Miss January in 2002, displays her pierced tongue as she looks up at the camera and winks. And Farrell, who had a shaved head for his role in "Daredevil," reciprocates, saying, "I could do this breakfast, lunch and dinner."

Narain, who has a tattoo on her backside, also goes through a couple of sexual positions described in the Kama Sutra, starting with "the missionary."

I guess a lot of people would be interested in seeing a Colin Farrell sex tape, but I'd be more interested in seeing a Colin Ferret sex tape. I'm not exactly sure who Colin Ferret is, but if he's anything like the bushy tailed creature I'm picturing, then I'm sure that would be one smoking hot tape. You don't know sexy until you've seen a ferret try to do it with a Playboy model in the butt.

Jude Law does the nanny

Jude Law and his fiance Sienna Miller have broken up after Jude was accused of sleeping with his children's nanny. Yesterday, The Sun reported that 32-year old Jude was still after Daisy Wright just a few days ago. “Daisy says Jude seduced her when she was looking after one of his children in New Orleans, where he was filming All The Kings Men,” the paper reports. The Sun also claims that he even told his ex-wife Sadie Frost that one of their kids lied by claiming “to have caught him in bed with Daisy”.

“Following the reports in today’s paper, I just want to say I am deeply ashamed and upset that I’ve hurt Sienna and the people most close to us," says Jude in response. "I want to publicly apologize to Sienna and our respective families for the pain I’ve caused. There is no defense for my actions, which I deeply regret and I ask that you respect our privacy at this very difficult time.”

I guess going through Jude Law's trash looking for the condom he used to sleep with his nanny isn't really considered respecting his privacy. You know what is though? The hidden camera I set up in his bedroom. Nothing says 'respect for privacy' more than streaming video of him and his nanny having crazy British sex in front of his kids. Unless you count the army of Jude Law clones I created from the semen in his used condom. That's pretty respectful of privacy as well.