Frankie Muniz is engaged

People Magazine reports that 19-year old Frankie Muniz has gotten engaged to his girlfriend, Jamie, whom he met in New Orleans this spring while shooting a movie. His publicist, Cara Tripicchio, confirmed the news, adding that no wedding date has been set.

The rep declined to give out the last name of Muniz's fiancée but said she's not an actress, she's from New Orleans, and the pair met in her hometown this spring while Muniz was filming the horror movie Stay Alive.

I don't know what it is about Malcom but his face makes me want to punch him in the throat. Or not so much punch him in the throat as drive over him in my car and then draw a Hitler mustache on him while he's down. And then I would find a Jewish community center and throw him inside with a letter in his pocket that read "I am the son of Hitler! I will kill you all!" Man, that Malcom sure is politically incorrect.

Colin Farrel and Nicole Narain make sex tape

Page Six reports that a man who identified himself as J.J. called them and asked for advice on selling what he says is an authentic, 14-minute sex tape of Colin Farrell and Plaboy model Nicole Narain, but admits he doesn't have model releases from Colin or Nicole who briefly dated him two years ago.

J.J. described the steamy tape in graphic detail, starting with a naked Nicole in her living room turning on some music, and ending with Farrell pointing the camera at her white cat in the corner of the room and saying, "Baby, you have the most beautiful [kitty]."

In between, Narain, who was Miss January in 2002, displays her pierced tongue as she looks up at the camera and winks. And Farrell, who had a shaved head for his role in "Daredevil," reciprocates, saying, "I could do this breakfast, lunch and dinner."

Narain, who has a tattoo on her backside, also goes through a couple of sexual positions described in the Kama Sutra, starting with "the missionary."

I guess a lot of people would be interested in seeing a Colin Farrell sex tape, but I'd be more interested in seeing a Colin Ferret sex tape. I'm not exactly sure who Colin Ferret is, but if he's anything like the bushy tailed creature I'm picturing, then I'm sure that would be one smoking hot tape. You don't know sexy until you've seen a ferret try to do it with a Playboy model in the butt.

Jude Law does the nanny

Jude Law and his fiance Sienna Miller have broken up after Jude was accused of sleeping with his children's nanny. Yesterday, The Sun reported that 32-year old Jude was still after Daisy Wright just a few days ago. “Daisy says Jude seduced her when she was looking after one of his children in New Orleans, where he was filming All The Kings Men,” the paper reports. The Sun also claims that he even told his ex-wife Sadie Frost that one of their kids lied by claiming “to have caught him in bed with Daisy”.

“Following the reports in today’s paper, I just want to say I am deeply ashamed and upset that I’ve hurt Sienna and the people most close to us," says Jude in response. "I want to publicly apologize to Sienna and our respective families for the pain I’ve caused. There is no defense for my actions, which I deeply regret and I ask that you respect our privacy at this very difficult time.”

I guess going through Jude Law's trash looking for the condom he used to sleep with his nanny isn't really considered respecting his privacy. You know what is though? The hidden camera I set up in his bedroom. Nothing says 'respect for privacy' more than streaming video of him and his nanny having crazy British sex in front of his kids. Unless you count the army of Jude Law clones I created from the semen in his used condom. That's pretty respectful of privacy as well.

Matt LeBlanc pees in public

This picture of Matt LeBlanc peeing in public has me a little confused. I never took Matt to be the manliest of men - since he doesn't wrestle bears and get into bar fights with the Russian mafia like I do - but I also didn't expect him to own the girliest dog in America. Maybe somebody should sit him down and explain to him that Chihuahuas are only acceptable if you're a 16-year old girl with "bitch" written across the chest of your tanktop or if you're making an annoying commercial for Mexican food. Plus, when you're as insanely rich as Matt is there's really no reason to be peeing in public. If I had that kind of money I would just hire a servant to follow me around with a toilet at all times. I'd also probably buy a monkey, because I've always wanted a monkey. I'd give him a nice sailor costume and maybe a little miniature sword to stab people with.

*Update: Upon closer inspection, Matt appears not to be peeing at all. He's masturbating! Shock! Amazement!

Eva Longoria is dating Tony Parker

Eva Longoria has finally confirmed she's dating basketball star Tony Parker. Last month she was spotted wearing what looked like an engagement ring at the NBA finals game between San Antonio and Detroit, but insisted she wasn't engaged. However, after joining Parker in China for the Basketball Without Borders charity event, Eva confirmed their relationship saying, "I've been linked to so many guys, but they got it right [with him]."

I guess this means I should stop waiting outside her house pretending she's my girlfriend. I should also probably stop breaking into her underwear drawer and stealing all her thongs. And I should definitely stop replacing her thongs with little notes that say "I know where you live and I'm going to kill you." I mean, that's just inappropriate now that she has a boyfriend.

Nicole Richie writes boring book

Nicole Richie has written a new book called Rock + Royalty which is a fictional story loosely based on her personal life. Nicole admits she didn't have to do too much research for the project since the main character is a socialite similar to herself.

"I would think about things that I have experienced and just twist it down and make them more exciting or a little less exciting."

I've never written a book so I'm not in any real position to cast criticism, but that sounds like a pretty terrible premise for a story. Where are the ninjas and the pirates and the evil doomsday-machines? I'm sure a story about a spoiled kid doing drugs and buying cars has potential, but if Nicole really wants to take this thing seriously she should consider adding in some robots. A recent poll in Newsweek said that books with robots were 100% better than books without robots.*

*Note: I didn't bother to actually check Newsweek so this poll may or may not exist. I just assumed it did because it makes so much sense. Robots are cool, man.

Cameron Diaz testifies in court

Cameron Diaz testifed today in the criminal trial of photographer John Rutter, who took topless photos of her and 11 years later tried to sell them back to her for millions of dollars. Diaz said a signature on a model release form giving ownership of the photos to Rutter was fake. "I have never signed my name like that," said Diaz. "It's kind of like 101 of modeling: You just don't sign anything that's on a sheet. If somebody gives you something, that means they're not doing business in the right way." Regarding the photos themselves, she added, "I felt that it was a safe environment. It was a professional shoot. It wasn't like in a back alley, `take your shirt off.'"

So is Cameron Diaz trying to imply that asking women to take their shirts off in back alleys to photograph them is a bad thing? Who is she to judge me! If I want to go up to drunk desperate women and promise them a career in modeling in order to get them to take their clothes off, so be it. And if I want to then ease them into the porno industry for my own personal profit, all the power to me. That's what makes America great. And in non-related news, be sure to check out my new DVD release Back Alley Porno Girls 5. The first four were pretty good, but I think the fifth one is my real masterpiece.

Owen Wilson licks butt for two hours

Page Six reports that Owen Wilson - also known as the 'Butterscotch Stallion' - allegedly brought a woman back to his hotel room and licked her butt for over two hours.

"It's like, 'Who cares?' " Wilson told Rolling Stone when asked about the item. "I play it as it lays. OK, so I may not be the greatest lover in the world. Well, let's make that angle work. There's lots of different paths to the waterfall. You don't have to be Don Juan. And wasn't it Gloria Steinem who said that women have to be responsible for their own orgasms? Well, I take her at her word. I'll do my best, OK, but at a certain point you've got to, like, you know..."

That's possibly the most confusing thing I've ever heard a celebrity say about sex. Look, if you're penis isn't big enough to make a woman orgasm then just say so. Don't dance around the subject by talking about waterfalls, and Gloria Steinem, and all the other weird reasons you might have for licking a girl's butt for two hours. And really, there's no reason to be licking anything for that long, let alone a girl's butt. Her poo could be actual Swiss chocolate, and it still wouldn't make sense to lick that thing for more than twenty minutes tops.

Brad Pitt has viral meningitis

Brad Pitt has been diagnosed with a mild case of viral meningitis, after checking himself into Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on Monday night complaining of flu-like symptoms. Viral meningitis is not life threatening and most patients recover within a week. Brad's publicist, Cindy Guagenti, told reporters last night that her client was released yesterday afternoon. "The actor is at home and doing well," she said, though declined to say if Brad contracted the illness while in Africa.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be so famous that checking yourself into the hospital for the flu would require continuous news coverage. I might even feel sorry for the guy, except that he's regarded as the sexiest man in the world, is in relations with the sexiest woman in the world, and is only a few steps away from finally conquering the world. He could probably start running over handicapped orphans for fun, and the courts would just laugh and say, "Who likes orphans, anyways? They have no parents!"