Eva Longoria is dating Tony Parker

Eva Longoria has finally confirmed she's dating basketball star Tony Parker. Last month she was spotted wearing what looked like an engagement ring at the NBA finals game between San Antonio and Detroit, but insisted she wasn't engaged. However, after joining Parker in China for the Basketball Without Borders charity event, Eva confirmed their relationship saying, "I've been linked to so many guys, but they got it right [with him]."

I guess this means I should stop waiting outside her house pretending she's my girlfriend. I should also probably stop breaking into her underwear drawer and stealing all her thongs. And I should definitely stop replacing her thongs with little notes that say "I know where you live and I'm going to kill you." I mean, that's just inappropriate now that she has a boyfriend.

Nicole Richie writes boring book

Nicole Richie has written a new book called Rock + Royalty which is a fictional story loosely based on her personal life. Nicole admits she didn't have to do too much research for the project since the main character is a socialite similar to herself.

"I would think about things that I have experienced and just twist it down and make them more exciting or a little less exciting."

I've never written a book so I'm not in any real position to cast criticism, but that sounds like a pretty terrible premise for a story. Where are the ninjas and the pirates and the evil doomsday-machines? I'm sure a story about a spoiled kid doing drugs and buying cars has potential, but if Nicole really wants to take this thing seriously she should consider adding in some robots. A recent poll in Newsweek said that books with robots were 100% better than books without robots.*

*Note: I didn't bother to actually check Newsweek so this poll may or may not exist. I just assumed it did because it makes so much sense. Robots are cool, man.

Cameron Diaz testifies in court

Cameron Diaz testifed today in the criminal trial of photographer John Rutter, who took topless photos of her and 11 years later tried to sell them back to her for millions of dollars. Diaz said a signature on a model release form giving ownership of the photos to Rutter was fake. "I have never signed my name like that," said Diaz. "It's kind of like 101 of modeling: You just don't sign anything that's on a sheet. If somebody gives you something, that means they're not doing business in the right way." Regarding the photos themselves, she added, "I felt that it was a safe environment. It was a professional shoot. It wasn't like in a back alley, `take your shirt off.'"

So is Cameron Diaz trying to imply that asking women to take their shirts off in back alleys to photograph them is a bad thing? Who is she to judge me! If I want to go up to drunk desperate women and promise them a career in modeling in order to get them to take their clothes off, so be it. And if I want to then ease them into the porno industry for my own personal profit, all the power to me. That's what makes America great. And in non-related news, be sure to check out my new DVD release Back Alley Porno Girls 5. The first four were pretty good, but I think the fifth one is my real masterpiece.

Owen Wilson licks butt for two hours

Page Six reports that Owen Wilson - also known as the 'Butterscotch Stallion' - allegedly brought a woman back to his hotel room and licked her butt for over two hours.

"It's like, 'Who cares?' " Wilson told Rolling Stone when asked about the item. "I play it as it lays. OK, so I may not be the greatest lover in the world. Well, let's make that angle work. There's lots of different paths to the waterfall. You don't have to be Don Juan. And wasn't it Gloria Steinem who said that women have to be responsible for their own orgasms? Well, I take her at her word. I'll do my best, OK, but at a certain point you've got to, like, you know..."

That's possibly the most confusing thing I've ever heard a celebrity say about sex. Look, if you're penis isn't big enough to make a woman orgasm then just say so. Don't dance around the subject by talking about waterfalls, and Gloria Steinem, and all the other weird reasons you might have for licking a girl's butt for two hours. And really, there's no reason to be licking anything for that long, let alone a girl's butt. Her poo could be actual Swiss chocolate, and it still wouldn't make sense to lick that thing for more than twenty minutes tops.

Brad Pitt has viral meningitis

Brad Pitt has been diagnosed with a mild case of viral meningitis, after checking himself into Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on Monday night complaining of flu-like symptoms. Viral meningitis is not life threatening and most patients recover within a week. Brad's publicist, Cindy Guagenti, told reporters last night that her client was released yesterday afternoon. "The actor is at home and doing well," she said, though declined to say if Brad contracted the illness while in Africa.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be so famous that checking yourself into the hospital for the flu would require continuous news coverage. I might even feel sorry for the guy, except that he's regarded as the sexiest man in the world, is in relations with the sexiest woman in the world, and is only a few steps away from finally conquering the world. He could probably start running over handicapped orphans for fun, and the courts would just laugh and say, "Who likes orphans, anyways? They have no parents!"

Mariah Carey blames September 11

The always delusional Mariah Carey has placed the blame of Glitter failing miserably on September 11.

“I released it around September 11, 2001,” the singer told Swiss newspaper Sonntags Zeitung as translated on fan site MariahDaily. “The talk shows needed something to distract from 9/11. I became a punching bag. I was so successful that they tore me down because my album was at number 2 instead of number 1. The media was laughing at me and attacked me.” Additionally, Mariah also said that the movie was just too cutting-edge for it’s own good. “‘Glitter’ was ahead of its time,” she explained. “Today it’s ‘in’ to make 80’s music.”

You know Mariah Carey is a classy lady because she blames a national tragedy as the cause of her being a miserable failure. You know how else you can tell she's classy? Whenever she farts she says, "Take a big whiff of my ass gas."

Rob Thomas is offended

Tob Thomas is denying reports he had sex with Tom Cruise and is even more upset that he's been labelled a fellow Scientologist.

"If I were gay," says Rob, "Tom wouldn't be on the top of my list. It would be Brad Pitt. I'm more offended by the rumours saying I'm Scientologist."

Oh please, like Rob Thomas could even get Brad Pitt. Believe me I've tried, and that guy is impossible to please. I even put on my Axe body spray - only to have weird women start clawing at me and stripping me in public - but did Brad even notice? Nope, he didn't try to fondle my genitals or anything. Then again, I hear he has the flu so he probably just wasn't up for any genital-fondling action.

Scarlett Johansson says no to bras

I could sit here for hours, listing off the reasons why Scarlett Johansson puts every other woman to shame, but I think this quote from Michael Bay pretty much sums it up.

Bay said he was prepared for the usual actress nerves when it came to shooting a love scene between the two leads. "We're ready to go and of course the actress is not there," he told reporters. He said he was summoned to Johansson's trailer, expecting to have to reassure the star of "Lost in Translation" that her privacy and dignity would be protected.

"She's standing there and she says, 'I'm not wearing this cheap ... bra. I'm going naked,' " Bay said. "I said, 'It's PG-13, you have to wear the bra.'" [via CNN]

In case Scarlett happens to be reading this, I'd like to let her know that I'll be directing the NC-17 version of The Island and she's already been cast. The script is pretty much just five hours of having sex with the director, but I think it has a real shot at some Oscars. And unlike that fruit-loop of a man Michael Bay, I sure as crap won't be telling her to keep any bras on. Even if I was making a PG-13 movie, I'd be sure to get as much crazy naked sex on film as I could, and then keep it in storage for a special director's cut or something. And by 'director's cut' I mean my own personal collection of pornography I keep hidden in my closet behind that 2nd place 2005 Hot Dog Eating trophy. Damn you Kobayashi, my day will come!

Brad Pitt has the flu

I don't know why, but The Associated Press is reporting that Brad Pitt checked himself into a Los Angeles hospital due to "flu-like symptoms".

"I think he has the flu," the spokeswoman said.

I wish I was making this up, but this is actually a story that somebody researched and wrote. You know the world is coming to an end when journalists are reporting on whether or not Brad Pitt has the flu. London bombings? Who cares. It's all about Brad Pitt and his flu. I think it would be great if the AP reported that Angelina Jolie also had the flu, and then implied that her and Brad gave it to each other because they were so busy kissing. They could even have diagrams with drawings of Brad and Angelina and little heart shapes surrounding them. That's professional journalism, baby.