Lindsay Lohan gets felt up by creepy old guy

There's something very disturbing about seeing director Robert Altman feel up Lindsay Lohan's leg during the filming of A Prairie Home Companion. I'm sure it's perfectly innocent, but seeing a 200-year old man in a wheelchair touching Lindsay Lohan like that makes me feel all dirty inside. Which is ironic, because five minutes ago I was masturbating to a picture of a homeless man taking a dump on the sidewalk and I felt pretty great about the whole thing.

Tom Cruise is raising his children crazy

Source - a magazine endorsed by the Church of Scientology - reports that Tom Cruise is raising his two children with Nicole Kidman as Scientologists. Their two adopted kids, 12-year old Isabella and 10-year old Connor, live with Tom for half the year in Beverly Hills where they are allegedly home-schooled by Cruise's Scientologist sisters Cass and Marian. According to the magazine, Isabella has already completed the Basic Study Manual, which is an introductory course in the religion. When asked for comment, Isabella replied, "You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do."

Marc Anthony hates you

The New York Daily News reports that during Jennifer Lopez's Bryant Park fashion show after-party in W Hotels' VIP Illustration Lounge, Marc Anthony scribbled "FUCK YOU" on a piece of paper when asked to make a doodle to be displayed at W properties and later auctioned off for charity. Among the celebs who gladly participated in the doodles were Elisha Cuthbert, John Leguizamo, designer and socialite Charlotte Ronson, and Rocco DiSpirito from the Food Network.

"Everyone was drawing caricatures, doing their little drawings and stuff to be framed," reports a Lowdown spy. "They handed a piece of paper to Marc, for either him or J.Lo to draw on. He wrote 'FUCK YOU,' and passed it back. People were totally taken aback. He was just too cool for school. You hear about him, and then you see him in action, and you just wonder. And now the other art is touring, and they literally have his 'FUCK YOU' in storage."

Instead of actually writing "FUCK YOU", Marc Anthony should have just drawn a picture of a hand giving the middle finger. And then he should have taken a knife and driven it through his own skull because he's such a douche. I know he's a zombie and all, but he really needs to lighten up. My other zombie friends eat brains for breakfast, but even they occasionally throw some change to the homeless. And so what if they eat the homeless guy's brain afterwards? They're zombies - it's what they do.

Christina Aguilera injures arm on fan

Christina Aguilera's right arm is in bandages after she got into a fight at a nightclub with a crazed fan. She's been advised to wear a sling, but decided to wear a black bandage instead at a recent fashion show in Paris, France. A source says, "Christina hurt her arm after a scuffle with a drunk fan at a nightclub. It's nothing serious but her doctor told her she should wear a sling until it heals."

There's something incredibly awesome about Christina Aguilera injuring her arm while beating a fan to death in a night club. I don't know the details of what exactly went down, but I picture Gary Coleman running up to Christina for an autograph and then Christina replying, "No way, bitch," and then just start wailing on him with her fists. I think I could die happy if I knew that Christina Aguilera injured her arm while beating Gary Coleman to death in a club.

Quentin Tarantino and Shar Jackson are dating

Us Weekly is reporting that Quentin Tarantino is dating Kevin Federline's ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson, going to Las Vegas last weekend and acting like a couple. Witnesses at Nobu say they "held hands like a couple" and were "very touchy". A spokesperson for Shar insists they are just friends and were celebrating her mother's birthday, but they were more recently caught watching a movie together at Century City. And judging from their clothes, these are obviously two of the coolest players in town. Wait, did I say players? I meant hobos.

Kate Moss beats up Pete Doherty

According to The Sun, Pete Doherty and Kate Moss got into a fight last Wednesday on a Eurostar train after Pete accused Kate of seeing Jefferson Hack, the father of her child. The paper claims Pete had cuts all over him and his shirt was ripped, and that the fight forced him to cancel a gig he had with Oasis. A passenger that Pete sat down with and began babbling to told The Sun, "Pete showed me red marks on his hands that he said had been caused in the scrap. He was accusing Kate of being a psychopath and complaining that she was back with Jefferson. He looked pretty annoyed."

I'd be pretty annoyed too if a supermodel who weighs roughly 85 lbs beat the crap out of me. Their diet of water and extra-strength laxatives makes their bones like paper and their muscles like pudding. Sure they're dirty fighters, but one solid punch should pretty much kill them.

Thanks to Linc for the tip.

[Image: The Sun via Photobucket]

Chris Tucker is too demanding

Jackie Chan has told The Associated Press that the third installment of Rush Hour is being delayed because co-star Chris Tucker is making too many demands.

"He wants too much power. The movie company hasn't obliged. He wants final editing rights and the final look at the movie and so on," Chan told The Associated Press Thursday. "He's still a new actor. How many movies has he made? Two movies have already made him very famous and made him a lot of money. He needs to learn slowly."

I think the best solution here would be if Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker had a fight to the death. To make things fair, they could even give Chris a sword. Something really big and flamboyant that a pirate would probably use. Although to make things even more fair, they would probably have to give Chris a machine gun and then tie Jackie Chan down and maybe cut off his arms, because as long as Jackie Chan has use of his arms, there's no way Chris Tucker is winning the fight. Heck, just to make things really fair they might as well cut off Jackie Chan's legs as well.

Dustin Hoffman has breasts

I'm not really sure what I'm looking at here. Obviously it's Dustin Hoffman, but why does he have two giant saggy breasts? And why is there a man sucking on one of them? The easy answer would probably be that he's filming some outrageous movie that features him getting his breasts sucked, but I prefer to believe that Dustin Hoffman is a homosexual exhibitionist with huge disgusting man-boobs. Yes, that's right folks, you heard it here first. Dustin Hoffman is a homosexual exhibitionist with huge disgusting man-boobs.

Thanks to the oddly perverse roxxe for the disturbing visual.

*Update: As several people far smarter than I am have pointed out, the image is from an outtake of I Heart Huckabees. I've never seen the movie, but if it's anything like this picture I should rectify that immediately. I can't even count the number of times I've fantasized about sucking on Dustin Hoffman's huge man-boobs.

Jennifer Aniston collapses

It seems Brad Pitt's accompanying of Angelina Jolie to Ethiopia to adopt a child caused Jennifer Aniston to collapse on the set of The Break Up. The official diagnosis is heat stroke, but sources on set insist she passed out because she was overcome with emotion after being revealed the news.

An insider tells British newspaper the Daily Mail: "She's been walking around with a sad look on her face and has not been her usual self. While her collapse was blamed on heatstroke, everyone thinks it's more down to stress than anything else. She can't have escaped all the stories about Brad and Angelina and it looks like the situation has taken its toll on her."

Poor Jennifer Aniston. As much as everybody wants to feel bad for her, the fact that Angelina Jolie is the other woman makes it impossible. When you're as gorgeous as Angelina, you can steal any husband you want and it would still be the wife's fault. Heck, you could probably rob a bank with an AK-47 and then kick George Bush Jr. in the nuts and people would just laugh it off and say, "Oh, Angelina. You're so pretty."

Thanks to the magnificent Crista for the tip.