Kate Moss beats up Pete Doherty

According to The Sun, Pete Doherty and Kate Moss got into a fight last Wednesday on a Eurostar train after Pete accused Kate of seeing Jefferson Hack, the father of her child. The paper claims Pete had cuts all over him and his shirt was ripped, and that the fight forced him to cancel a gig he had with Oasis. A passenger that Pete sat down with and began babbling to told The Sun, "Pete showed me red marks on his hands that he said had been caused in the scrap. He was accusing Kate of being a psychopath and complaining that she was back with Jefferson. He looked pretty annoyed."

I'd be pretty annoyed too if a supermodel who weighs roughly 85 lbs beat the crap out of me. Their diet of water and extra-strength laxatives makes their bones like paper and their muscles like pudding. Sure they're dirty fighters, but one solid punch should pretty much kill them.

Thanks to Linc for the tip.

[Image: The Sun via Photobucket]

Chris Tucker is too demanding

Jackie Chan has told The Associated Press that the third installment of Rush Hour is being delayed because co-star Chris Tucker is making too many demands.

"He wants too much power. The movie company hasn't obliged. He wants final editing rights and the final look at the movie and so on," Chan told The Associated Press Thursday. "He's still a new actor. How many movies has he made? Two movies have already made him very famous and made him a lot of money. He needs to learn slowly."

I think the best solution here would be if Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker had a fight to the death. To make things fair, they could even give Chris a sword. Something really big and flamboyant that a pirate would probably use. Although to make things even more fair, they would probably have to give Chris a machine gun and then tie Jackie Chan down and maybe cut off his arms, because as long as Jackie Chan has use of his arms, there's no way Chris Tucker is winning the fight. Heck, just to make things really fair they might as well cut off Jackie Chan's legs as well.

Dustin Hoffman has breasts

I'm not really sure what I'm looking at here. Obviously it's Dustin Hoffman, but why does he have two giant saggy breasts? And why is there a man sucking on one of them? The easy answer would probably be that he's filming some outrageous movie that features him getting his breasts sucked, but I prefer to believe that Dustin Hoffman is a homosexual exhibitionist with huge disgusting man-boobs. Yes, that's right folks, you heard it here first. Dustin Hoffman is a homosexual exhibitionist with huge disgusting man-boobs.

Thanks to the oddly perverse roxxe for the disturbing visual.

*Update: As several people far smarter than I am have pointed out, the image is from an outtake of I Heart Huckabees. I've never seen the movie, but if it's anything like this picture I should rectify that immediately. I can't even count the number of times I've fantasized about sucking on Dustin Hoffman's huge man-boobs.

Jennifer Aniston collapses

It seems Brad Pitt's accompanying of Angelina Jolie to Ethiopia to adopt a child caused Jennifer Aniston to collapse on the set of The Break Up. The official diagnosis is heat stroke, but sources on set insist she passed out because she was overcome with emotion after being revealed the news.

An insider tells British newspaper the Daily Mail: "She's been walking around with a sad look on her face and has not been her usual self. While her collapse was blamed on heatstroke, everyone thinks it's more down to stress than anything else. She can't have escaped all the stories about Brad and Angelina and it looks like the situation has taken its toll on her."

Poor Jennifer Aniston. As much as everybody wants to feel bad for her, the fact that Angelina Jolie is the other woman makes it impossible. When you're as gorgeous as Angelina, you can steal any husband you want and it would still be the wife's fault. Heck, you could probably rob a bank with an AK-47 and then kick George Bush Jr. in the nuts and people would just laugh it off and say, "Oh, Angelina. You're so pretty."

Thanks to the magnificent Crista for the tip.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are poor

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are supposedly struggling to fund their celebrity lifestyle, due to their recent $7 million purchase and renovation of a new Malibu mansion, as well as the fact that neither are currently working. New York Post columnist Cindy Adams reports, "Mrs Federline recently made a quiet call to her record label. The gist of the discussion: We've got to get money in the house. Cash flow is going down. How about we cut another album?"

This would have been funnier if Kevin Federline just hiked up his pants and said, "Look, baby. Let me take care of this." And then proceeded to get a job at Walmart, possibly also working the night shift at the local gas station for those exta bucks. And in case you've ever wondered what a $7 million mansion undergoing rennovation looks like, this should give you a rough idea.

And this is the Malibu estate Britney Spears is renting while her mansion is undergoing the heavy rennovation. I wish my house had a sweet waterslide that fed to the pool. I'd use that thing every day.

Brad Pitt and George Clooney build hotel in Vegas

Page Six is reporting that Brad Pitt and George Clooney just inked a deal with nightclub owner Rande Gerber to build a new Las Vegas hotel and casino.

"George and Brad are not putting in any money, but they will be getting a percentage of the profits," our well-placed insider says. "Brad will design the hotel and be the face of it with George. After 'Ocean's Eleven,' this makes perfect sense and the three of them are very good friends."

Brad's rep confirmed he was doing "some sort of business with [Gerber]" but declined further comment. I guess this just goes to prove my sneaking suspicion that Brad Pitt has begun his conquest of the entire world. I expect his next move will be to create an army of robot Brad Pitts that shoot lasers from their eyes.

Mariah Carey's sister is a hooker

The National Enquirer is reporting that Mariah Carey's sister was arrested last month for prostitution in Suffolk County, New York. The 44-year old, who has been diagnosed HIV-positive, was arrested after agreeing to meet a client on his boat at a Long Island marina because she advertised her services on an Internet call girl site, using the name April.

"I got a call to meet a guy on a boat that was docked in a marina. I went onto the boat and told them I needed to use the bathroom. The man said, 'Don't use that room,' and he tried to stop me from opening the door but when I did I saw a policeman with radio equipment, and that's when they busted me for prostitution. The police have it in for me in Suffolk County."

I don't even understand how it's possible for the sister of one of the world's biggest singers to be a hooker. That would be like Lindsay Lohan one day coming out and announcing that her older brother is Saddam Hussein.

In other Mariah Carey news, this is the reason that Madonna hates her so much.

Lindsay Lohan's dad is ignorant

Lindsay Lohan's father - who's currently imprisoned in New York State on charges of drunk driving and assaulting his brother-in-law at a family party - is claiming that Lindsay Lohan lost all her weight due to the stress of her parents' breakup.

"People wonder why Lindsay's so thin. It's because of all this garbage between her mother and me. She's beaten up inside. It's ripped our whole family apart."

As much sense as that makes, I can't help but feel that her out of control cocaine addiction has something to do with the weight loss as well. All my supermodel friends do cocaine and they're always going on and on about all the weight they've lost because of it. Then sometimes they'll go on a little too long and I have to smack them across the face. You're pretty hot, Dominique, but sometimes you need to learn to shut up.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are in Ethiopia

According to The Associated Press, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and Maddox arrived in Ethiopia yesterday to pick up the orphaned 5-month old baby girl Angelina is adopting.

It's interesting that Brad Pitt would fly all the way to Ethiopia with Angelina Jolie to adopt a child if he's not in a relationship with her though. I'm not saying he is, I'm just saying it's interesting. You know what else is interesting? The migration patterns of the South American Specklebee. Man, those suckers can fly.

Actually I lied. That's not interesting at all. And neither are you, so go away. But, uh, give me some candy first if you have any.