Lindsay Lohan's dad is ignorant

Lindsay Lohan's father - who's currently imprisoned in New York State on charges of drunk driving and assaulting his brother-in-law at a family party - is claiming that Lindsay Lohan lost all her weight due to the stress of her parents' breakup.

"People wonder why Lindsay's so thin. It's because of all this garbage between her mother and me. She's beaten up inside. It's ripped our whole family apart."

As much sense as that makes, I can't help but feel that her out of control cocaine addiction has something to do with the weight loss as well. All my supermodel friends do cocaine and they're always going on and on about all the weight they've lost because of it. Then sometimes they'll go on a little too long and I have to smack them across the face. You're pretty hot, Dominique, but sometimes you need to learn to shut up.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are in Ethiopia

According to The Associated Press, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and Maddox arrived in Ethiopia yesterday to pick up the orphaned 5-month old baby girl Angelina is adopting.

It's interesting that Brad Pitt would fly all the way to Ethiopia with Angelina Jolie to adopt a child if he's not in a relationship with her though. I'm not saying he is, I'm just saying it's interesting. You know what else is interesting? The migration patterns of the South American Specklebee. Man, those suckers can fly.

Actually I lied. That's not interesting at all. And neither are you, so go away. But, uh, give me some candy first if you have any.

Britney Spears may or may not be expecting twins

The New York Daily News is reporting that Britney Spears is expecting twins, though they were unable to confirm the report with Britney's spokeswoman, Leslie Sloane Zelnick. "If she's having twins, I have not been told that yet. Let me make some calls," Zelnick told the paper.

I don't know why this matters, but I figure any updates on Britney's pregnancy should be the number one thing that everybody in the world should focus on. London scoring the 2012 Olympics? Who cares. It's all about Britney's uterus, man. And at the rate she's at, we'll probably hear some news of her child (or children) being born prematurely or dead. I wouldn't wish it on her or anybody else, but with the amount of second hand smoke she's breathing in from Kevin Federline, I wouldn't rule it out. Seriously though, these idiots have to stop smoking around pregnant women. And they especially have to stop karate kicking them in the stomach. Everybody knows you karate kick a pregnant woman in the face. Always the face.

Jenny McCarthy does nudity

Jenny McCarthy has ditched her movie no-nudity clause to boost international interest in her new film Dirty Love, which marks her screenplay writing debut. The movie is directed by her husband John Asher and also stars Carmen Electra.

"After weighing 200 pounds when I was pregnant, I wanted to show off my shit. I realized, 'You know what? I love being hot.' One day on the set I said, 'John, I've been thinking about foreign sales, and there needs to be some tits. But I don't want it to be gratuitous. There has to be a laugh behind it.' So I said to Carmen before filming started, 'Listen, my boob's going to fall out in this scene and I want you to say, 'Girl, your big ol' titty's hanging out.' I'll do anything as long as it doesn't make people vomit."

I was never really a Jenny McCarthy fan, but I guess any woman who voluntarily exposes her boobs for the sake of popularity is okay with me. I tried to get a movie made with Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra once, but my script was rejected. Sure, it was just 200 pages with "Topless scene" written on them but it had potential. And in case you've forgotten what Jenny McCarthy's boobs look like, there are some very NSFW pictures after the jump.

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Natalie Portman looks like a terrorist

According to Page Six, Natalie Portman is convinced that her shaved head makes her look like a terrorist, and suspects it was the reason police pulled her over by the Midtown Tunnel the other day.

"I've never had that happen to me before," she tells Newsweek. "It's supposedly random. My registration was expired because I had been out of town, and it was my first day back. I'd been in Israel and Berlin for the shooting. They wouldn't let me go in. But he said to take the bridge instead. And I didn't understand that logic. If you're a suspect, don't take the tunnel, take the bridge?"

I totally understand how Natalie Portman feels. I shaved my head a few years ago and was hanging around the White House and the Secret Service just wouldn't leave me alone. They accused me of trying to blow up the White House and kill the President - and sure, maybe I had a stick of dynamite in my back pocket along with a death threat - but I know the real reason they kept pestering me was because of my shaved head. Man, us baldies never get left alone.

Britney Spears receives advice

A publicity-seeking Manhattan physician has issued a press release commenting on Britney Spears' rumored bleeding, bad diet, and overactive sex life, saying "Spotting midterm is grounds for a high-risk pregnancy. Britney may need to be put on 'pelvic rest,' which may include full-time bed rest and no sex."

Right off the bat you know this doctor is crazy, because he's recommending Britney Spears not have sex. Britney Spears not having pregnant hillbilly sex would be like me not eating this delicious looking steak I stole from my neighbor. It's just not going to happen.

Vince Vaughn is probably not dating Jennifer Aniston

Vince Vaughn is denying reports that he and Jennifer Aniston are a couple. They're both currently filming The Break Up in Chicago, Illinois and have been photographed cuddling together on set, but Vince Vaughn is upset about claims that he would take advantage of Jennifer so soon after her breakup from Brad Pitt.

"We're making a film together, man. Jennifer's a sweet girl, but she's very vulnerable right now and has been through a really hard time. I know people would love it if we were dating, but we're not. She doesn't need to cry on my shoulder."

I have a lot of impressive degrees in sociology, so I know that whenever a man and a woman are photographed touching each other, they're obviously in a relationship that revolves around steamy sex and a stuffed Shamu doll. It may not be an exact science, but I'll be damned if these fancy sociology degrees have failed me yet. They're framed and everything, so you know they're legit.

Lil' Kim going to jail

Lil' Kim has been sentenced to 12 months in prison and a fine of $50,000 for lying to a federal grand jury about a 2001 shootout involving members of her entourage outside a Manhattan radio station. This just goes to show you that lying to federal grand juries is a bad idea. Unless you did something bad and don't want them to know about it, in which case it's an awesome idea. Like that time I told them I wasn't the one that farted in the elevator. I so was the one that farted in the elevator.

Angelina Jolie is adopting an Ethiopian girl

People magazine is reporting that Angelina Jolie is adopting a newborn Ethiopian girl orphaned by AIDS, and is naming her Zahara Marley Jolie.

"My son is in love with Africa, so he has been asking for an African brother or sister."

I don't know how any of this affects the pregnancy rumors floating around, but I also don't know how I wound up in a dumpster last night, so I'm probably not the best person to "know" things. I am, however, the best person to be given awesome sexual favors.