Natalie Portman looks like a terrorist

According to Page Six, Natalie Portman is convinced that her shaved head makes her look like a terrorist, and suspects it was the reason police pulled her over by the Midtown Tunnel the other day.

"I've never had that happen to me before," she tells Newsweek. "It's supposedly random. My registration was expired because I had been out of town, and it was my first day back. I'd been in Israel and Berlin for the shooting. They wouldn't let me go in. But he said to take the bridge instead. And I didn't understand that logic. If you're a suspect, don't take the tunnel, take the bridge?"

I totally understand how Natalie Portman feels. I shaved my head a few years ago and was hanging around the White House and the Secret Service just wouldn't leave me alone. They accused me of trying to blow up the White House and kill the President - and sure, maybe I had a stick of dynamite in my back pocket along with a death threat - but I know the real reason they kept pestering me was because of my shaved head. Man, us baldies never get left alone.

Britney Spears receives advice

A publicity-seeking Manhattan physician has issued a press release commenting on Britney Spears' rumored bleeding, bad diet, and overactive sex life, saying "Spotting midterm is grounds for a high-risk pregnancy. Britney may need to be put on 'pelvic rest,' which may include full-time bed rest and no sex."

Right off the bat you know this doctor is crazy, because he's recommending Britney Spears not have sex. Britney Spears not having pregnant hillbilly sex would be like me not eating this delicious looking steak I stole from my neighbor. It's just not going to happen.

Vince Vaughn is probably not dating Jennifer Aniston

Vince Vaughn is denying reports that he and Jennifer Aniston are a couple. They're both currently filming The Break Up in Chicago, Illinois and have been photographed cuddling together on set, but Vince Vaughn is upset about claims that he would take advantage of Jennifer so soon after her breakup from Brad Pitt.

"We're making a film together, man. Jennifer's a sweet girl, but she's very vulnerable right now and has been through a really hard time. I know people would love it if we were dating, but we're not. She doesn't need to cry on my shoulder."

I have a lot of impressive degrees in sociology, so I know that whenever a man and a woman are photographed touching each other, they're obviously in a relationship that revolves around steamy sex and a stuffed Shamu doll. It may not be an exact science, but I'll be damned if these fancy sociology degrees have failed me yet. They're framed and everything, so you know they're legit.

Lil' Kim going to jail

Lil' Kim has been sentenced to 12 months in prison and a fine of $50,000 for lying to a federal grand jury about a 2001 shootout involving members of her entourage outside a Manhattan radio station. This just goes to show you that lying to federal grand juries is a bad idea. Unless you did something bad and don't want them to know about it, in which case it's an awesome idea. Like that time I told them I wasn't the one that farted in the elevator. I so was the one that farted in the elevator.

Angelina Jolie is adopting an Ethiopian girl

People magazine is reporting that Angelina Jolie is adopting a newborn Ethiopian girl orphaned by AIDS, and is naming her Zahara Marley Jolie.

"My son is in love with Africa, so he has been asking for an African brother or sister."

I don't know how any of this affects the pregnancy rumors floating around, but I also don't know how I wound up in a dumpster last night, so I'm probably not the best person to "know" things. I am, however, the best person to be given awesome sexual favors.

Hilary Duff is still a rectangle

According to a readers poll in the August issue of Teen People, American girls between the ages of 13 and 18 think celebrities like Mary-Kate Olsen and Paris Hilton are too skinny, and instead feel that celebrities like Beyonce, Hilary Duff, and even Kelly Osbourne are more representative of the average woman's body type. The more I think about it, the more I realize that the average woman really does look like a giant rectangle. Which is a shame, because as long as supermodels like Alessandra Ambrosio are allowed to live, all those women will be horribly disgusting to me. Seriously, if you don't look like Alessandra Ambrosio you should probably diet and then cut off your face. It's the only solution.

Mariah Carey draws on fake abs

I'm not sure where I stand when it comes to drawing on abs with a crayon, but I'm probably totally for it. Especially if it's Mariah Carey performing at the Macy's 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular and making a total clown of herself. I can only imagine what was going through her feeble little brain as her assistant drew on the fake abs. "I look really fat today. Maybe if I draw on a weird six pack nobody will notice. Yeah, this will definitely work. Girls with cartoon abs are totally hot."

[Image via Mariah Daily]

Celine Dion booed during Live 8

Celine Dion was loudly booed during her Live 8 set in Barrie, Canada because she failed to perform onstage live and instead beamed her performance via satellite from Las Vegas, Nevada, where she plays nightly at Caesar's Palace. Concert co-host Dan Aykroyd had to beg the crowd to stop booing her, taking to the stage and saying, "No, no, no. Be proud of Celine Dion. She's here to help and entertain us. She's working hard."

I didn't actually get to see this, but the idea of Dan Aykroyd begging people to stop booing Celine Dion is one of the greatest things I can imagine. Just thinking about it makes me pee my pants in delight. Actually I'm just peeing my pants, but I figure any excuse is a good one.

Pink is engaged to Carey Hart

Pink reportedly proposed to motocross racer Carey Hart, which doesn't make any sense at all because isn't she a lesbian? I mean seriously, this is a joke, right? She's really not a lesbian? I don't want to go around assuming that every short-haired woman that looks like a man is a lesbian, but Pink is definitely a lesbian, right? I mean...seriously. Right? A lesbian? This is like the time I found out that my pet dog was actually a toaster. My God, that was a terrible and confusing day.