Lil' Kim going to jail

Lil' Kim has been sentenced to 12 months in prison and a fine of $50,000 for lying to a federal grand jury about a 2001 shootout involving members of her entourage outside a Manhattan radio station. This just goes to show you that lying to federal grand juries is a bad idea. Unless you did something bad and don't want them to know about it, in which case it's an awesome idea. Like that time I told them I wasn't the one that farted in the elevator. I so was the one that farted in the elevator.

Angelina Jolie is adopting an Ethiopian girl

People magazine is reporting that Angelina Jolie is adopting a newborn Ethiopian girl orphaned by AIDS, and is naming her Zahara Marley Jolie.

"My son is in love with Africa, so he has been asking for an African brother or sister."

I don't know how any of this affects the pregnancy rumors floating around, but I also don't know how I wound up in a dumpster last night, so I'm probably not the best person to "know" things. I am, however, the best person to be given awesome sexual favors.

Hilary Duff is still a rectangle

According to a readers poll in the August issue of Teen People, American girls between the ages of 13 and 18 think celebrities like Mary-Kate Olsen and Paris Hilton are too skinny, and instead feel that celebrities like Beyonce, Hilary Duff, and even Kelly Osbourne are more representative of the average woman's body type. The more I think about it, the more I realize that the average woman really does look like a giant rectangle. Which is a shame, because as long as supermodels like Alessandra Ambrosio are allowed to live, all those women will be horribly disgusting to me. Seriously, if you don't look like Alessandra Ambrosio you should probably diet and then cut off your face. It's the only solution.

Mariah Carey draws on fake abs

I'm not sure where I stand when it comes to drawing on abs with a crayon, but I'm probably totally for it. Especially if it's Mariah Carey performing at the Macy's 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular and making a total clown of herself. I can only imagine what was going through her feeble little brain as her assistant drew on the fake abs. "I look really fat today. Maybe if I draw on a weird six pack nobody will notice. Yeah, this will definitely work. Girls with cartoon abs are totally hot."

[Image via Mariah Daily]

Celine Dion booed during Live 8

Celine Dion was loudly booed during her Live 8 set in Barrie, Canada because she failed to perform onstage live and instead beamed her performance via satellite from Las Vegas, Nevada, where she plays nightly at Caesar's Palace. Concert co-host Dan Aykroyd had to beg the crowd to stop booing her, taking to the stage and saying, "No, no, no. Be proud of Celine Dion. She's here to help and entertain us. She's working hard."

I didn't actually get to see this, but the idea of Dan Aykroyd begging people to stop booing Celine Dion is one of the greatest things I can imagine. Just thinking about it makes me pee my pants in delight. Actually I'm just peeing my pants, but I figure any excuse is a good one.

Pink is engaged to Carey Hart

Pink reportedly proposed to motocross racer Carey Hart, which doesn't make any sense at all because isn't she a lesbian? I mean seriously, this is a joke, right? She's really not a lesbian? I don't want to go around assuming that every short-haired woman that looks like a man is a lesbian, but Pink is definitely a lesbian, right? I mean...seriously. Right? A lesbian? This is like the time I found out that my pet dog was actually a toaster. My God, that was a terrible and confusing day.

Paris Hilton is delusional

According to Hello magazine, Paris Hilton wants to host her wedding ceremony in London at St Paul's Cathedral, Westminster Abbey or Windsor Castle, and sees no reason why the royal family shouldn't let her except for the fact that only British royals or heads of state can marry in the historical venues.

"I'm the closest thing to American royalty anyway," she said. Hilton has written to Prince Charles, begging for permission to hold her dream day at one of the venues.

Somebody should explain to Paris that walking around Los Angeles in a tiara doesn't automatically make you royalty. In fact, wearing a fake crown and pretending you're a princess actually makes you the opposite of royalty. And I'm not sure what the opposite of royalty is, but I believe it's something along the lines of a walking vagina shaped like a mantis.

Shannon Elizabeth is single

Shannon Elizabeth filed for divorce from Joseph D. Reitman last Wednesday citing irreconcilable differences. This is pretty much the most not surprising story of the year, considering how much hotter Shannon Elizabeth is than her husband. It would be like me marrying a delicious steak and then one day eating the steak because it was so delicious. Or maybe some other analogy that actually makes sense. The point is, if I suddenly realized my spouse was an ugly sack of potatoes with terrible facial hair I would probably cite irreconcilable differences and then divorce them as well. And then I would laugh in their face for being so ugly and go out with a bunch hot people to make them feel like crap. And just for good measure I would hire somebody to punch them in the stomach repeatedly for wasting three years of my life.

The Superficial News

• According to The Sun, Sharon Stone used body doubles during the sex scenes of Basic Instinct 2. Considering she's 48-years old, that's probably the best decision the director or the producer or whoever made that decision could have made. They should have just gone with my idea though, and replaced her entire character with a naked Jessica Alba. That, my friends, is just good movie making.

• Brooke Shields responds to Tom Cruise's wild and crazy antics with her personal story. I didn't get through it because I have the attention span of a four-year old, but I think she says something about something. Or another.

• Madonna hates Mariah Carey. Awesome.

• Rumors of Angelina Jolie being pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby are freaking out Jennifer Aniston. And the fact that they haven't denied the rumors probably isn't helping any either. You know what is helping though? That video I sent her of Brad and Angelina having sex in Cancun. I bet that really cheered her up.

• Charlotte Church is threatening to quit the music industry if her new pop direction fails. And I'm threatening to punch Charlotte Church in the face if she doesn't shut up. Nobody cares.