Jessica Alba is tougher than sharks

According to a report on Female First: “Jessica Alba punched a shark on the nose when it got too close to her while filming her new her new movie. The sexy actress was shooting underwater scenes in the Bahamas for upcoming film 'Into The Blue' when the deadly fish swam too close for comfort. So the 24-year-old star lashed out and managed to scare the shark away. She revealed: "I jabbed him on the nose and he swam off".

As someone with an advanced degree in marine biology - I also have a pipe and a tweed jacket, so listen up - it might not be the greatest idea to punch sharks in the nose, regardless of how hot you are. Cause, what if the shark wasn't even gonna bite you. He was just going for a swim. And then you punch him in the nose. And all of his buddies are watching. I mean, he pretty much has to bite you then, right?

Jennifer Affleck

From The National Enquirer: "Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have secretly married, The National Enquirer can exclusively reveal … Wearing white, the pregnant Alias star sealed her union with Ben on a sandy beach on the Turks and Caicos island yesterday evening. … With the sun setting, her costar Victor Garber watched as Jen, 33, and Ben, 32, embraced and kissed. The couple flew to the paradise hideaway yesterday morning … It is understood the couple are leaving the luxury resort Parrot Cay, where they spent their first night as a married couple, later today or tomorrow."

Maybe I’m being too needy, but it would be nice if the National Enquirer would follow me around now and again. I’m at least as interesting as Ben Affleck, which is to say I’m as interesting as a plank of wood. A sexy plank of wood. You know, like Madagascar Rosewood or something hot like that. Maybe Maple Burl. Well, maybe not Maple Burl - I got a little carried away there - but you know, still pretty hot.

Domino Harvey found dead

From Female First UK: "Former supermodel-turned-bounty hunter DOMINO HARVEY was found dead in a bathtub in her West Hollywood home on Monday night. She was 35. (She) was facing a possible life jail sentence over drug charges filed last year (04) … Domino quit modeling 12 years ago (93) to capture fugitives and criminals who had jumped bail. Domino's life story has recently been the subject of KEIRA KNIGHTLEY's new movie DOMINO, which is scheduled to hit cinema screens … in August, although it may now be delayed to incorporate the former model's death into the storyline."

I’m sure Domino Harvey was delightful and there are people mourning her right now, so I’m just gonna make fun of the movie version of her, which always looked suspect. First of all, for a “supermodel”, it’s suspiciously hard to find pictures of her online. The only picture I could find is that one below, with her in those white Toughskin jeans. Good luck finding a husband in those. And she’s got legs like Ricky Williams, which you generally don’t find on models. The movie says it’s mostly based on a true story, but you could pretty much say that about anything. You could say the Huffalump Movie was based on a true story if you wanted, cause “once, there was this bear…”, and then just make up the rest. Not that a girl could never be a bounty hunter, it’s just that a girl could never be a bounty hunter. If I was dating a girl who claimed she was one, I would just nod politely and then give her a new mission: “hunt” me down a piece of pie. And a glass of milk. And then I’d smack her on the ass as a send off, cause girls like to be reminded who's in charge.

Telegraph UK has a more sobering account of Dominos life and the unbridled happiness that only a heroin addiction can bring.

Paris Hilton has monster engagement ring

I'm glad that Paris Hilton decided to go with a smaller more modest engagement ring. Considering how much money she has and her undeniable need for attention, she could have easily gone with some gigantic gaudy looking thing with a diamond bigger than my damn thumb. But she didn't. Because she's classy. And classy women know that having the biggest diamond in the world on your finger is just plain tacky. In other non-related news, I have to go snuggle up and cry now, because Paris Hilton is wearing a rock on her finger that's probably worth more than my house. And by house I mean apartment. And by apartment I mean sidewalk. And by sidewalk I mean garbage can next to sidewalk.

The Superficial News

• Lindsay Lohan recently collapsed at LA's Body and Soul gym during an hour-long workout on a bike and appeared unconscious. She was eventually brought around, but I guess this just goes to show you that being too skinny isn't really all it's "cracked" up to be. Hehe, get it? Because she snorts cocaine. I'm funny.

• The Star reports that Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi want a baby. And considering Star reported it, you know it must be true. Those guys are really on top of their credible news. Especially that one story about Julia Roberts having a penis. Right on the money!

• In old news, Lindsay Lohan claims that she will never do a nude scene. No offense, but if I want to see a naked crack-addicted skeleton, I'll just walk down the street and ask my homeless friend George to show me the naked crack-addicted skeleton he keeps in his duffel bag.

• Leonardo DiCaprio is planning on opening an eco-hotel on an island he bought off the Belize coast. That's all fine and dandy, but how is it going to compete with my nature-destroyer-hotel which burns forests and eats animals and doesn't house any guests at all? Just give it up, Leonardo. Nature is mine!

Karrine Steffans is a slut

A report in this mornings Rush and Molloy column says that many of the leading names in Hollywood and Hip-Hop are anxiously waiting the release of a book by Karrine Steffans, a staple as a model in music videos for that past few years. The girl whose nickname is ‘Superhead’ gives details about her sexual encounters with some of the biggest names in entertainment. Some excerpts:

Shaquille O'Neal "was nothing to complain about." She says that Shaq was so impressed with Steffans that, the day after meeting her, he deposited $10,000 into her bank account.

I can't imagine how terrifying it must be in some giant mansion where no one can hear you scream while you're being chased around by a naked Shaq and his giant penis. That thing has gotta be like a tree limb falling on you.

After hearing so much about Fred Durst's stature, she gushed, "to actually hold him … felt like a privilege."

Fred Durst would fuck a beehive, so this girl might wanna reassess what she finds flattering.

Vin Diesel "was a beautiful man … blessed with an enviable eight-pack and an even more enviable [bleep]."

I wrote ‘bleep’ cause the freakin article wrote ’bleep’. I assume it stands for “willingness to star in movies with ducks.”

After inviting her to his home at 4 a.m., Sean (P. Diddy) Combs kicked his manservant Fonzworth Bentley out of a guest bedroom so he and Steffans could spend 15 minutes making love. "You're one of the best," she says P. Diddy told her. Steffans writes: "I said the same to him, when, in actuality, he was average."

Ooohhh, 15 minutes! Good job Diddy. If he wrote a song about his sex with Karrine, I bet it would go like this: “15 minutes of love, uh-huh, uh-huh, that’s right, 15 minutes uh-huh, I’m talking about 15 minutes in the bed, that’s right, 15 minutes, you know what I mean, in the bed, makin love at night, that’s right…”

But anyway, if you're like me and have no idea who this girl is, you can find her home page here.

Paris Hilton probably isn't pregnant

Sure, it's probably just the wind blowing her dress up, but I prefer to believe that in the past week or so, Paris Hilton got totally knocked up and has gone through two trimesters of pregnancy. What with her sleeping with every other guy in New York, it would only make sense that the combined power of all that sperm would shoot her pregnancy into overdrive. And considering I have a PhD in pregnancy from Columbia Medical School, you can just go ahead and assume that everything I say is completely true and scientifically possible.

[Image via Forumer]

Tom Crusie is everywhere

Tom Cruise needs to make a movie every week, cause this page pretty much writes itself whenever he’s taken off his leash. He seems to get dumber by the minute. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Here’s just the stuff from yesterday.

Tom Cruise is “confused” by sex: “Wait … the vagina? Really? That doesn’t sound right. Why on earth would I put it there?”

Tom Cruise believes in aliens: tell you what Tom, when a big silver UFO lands on the White House lawn at noon on a Wednesday, and a big ramp opens up and a big dinosaur-lookin thing begins a speech with “People of Earth…”, I’ll start believing in aliens. As long as the only reports come from drunk rednecks and Mexicans filming lights in the sky when they live a mile from the airport, I’m remain cautiously pessimistic.

And then there is this story that came in yesterday from that little hottie Katherine in response to our Rob Thomas story. Hey isn’t Katie short for Katherine?

My good friend and acting coach's best friend was a long time assistant to Katie Couric, and being on the set of the Today Show brought in a LOT of information that she of course had monetary and contractual incentive not to share, but anyway, now she doesn't work for her, and she talks freely. According to her, Tom Cruise is a total homosexual slut, and the powers that be at the Scientology headquarters cover this up with relationships and whatnot in exchange for his unwavering loyalty to Scientology. ALSO, more substantial, is that John Travolta has the same deal with the Scientologists, that he's a homosexual, they have photographic evidence, and his entire relationship with Kelly Preston is a Scientology related scam.”

Note - as always (since Cruise loves to sue people) I need to point out that this story is based on conjecture and hearsay. For the record, the Superficial feels that Tom Cruise's heterosexuality is the stuff of legend. In fact, I heard a tribe in Africa has a song about him. Man that guy loves the kitty!

Tom Cruise and Rob Thomas caught in bed

If there's one thing I know, it's that random gossip from total strangers based on absolutely no facts is true about 100% of the time. That said, here's an email that reader Rob decided to forward in.

So, I work with this girl who has a family friend that works in PR in Hollywood, and she always has fun little scoops about celeb stuff. Well, if this is true, this is just ridiculous! So, the whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes thing - apparently, it is, like we all thought anyway, a ridiculous PR thing. Tom Cruise was supposedly caught in bed with Rob Thomas (the lead singer of Matchbox 20) by Rob Thomas's wife, Marisol. Rob Thomas is also a Scientologist. Obviously, nobody wanted this to get out, and Marisol was going nuts threatening to expose them. I think that she might be getting paid off, but to preempt any rumors about Tom, the Scientology people as well as Tom's PR people basically recruited Katie Holmes to play this part of Tom's super-excited girlfriend, and they are just paying her a b*ttload of money. I guess they also woo'd her with promises of what this would do for her career, since she's at best a B-lister. But I guess now Marisol is so annoyed at all of the press Tom and Katie's relationship is getting, she's threatening to go public, spill the beans, and file for divorce.

Sure, why not.