Paris Hilton probably isn't pregnant

Sure, it's probably just the wind blowing her dress up, but I prefer to believe that in the past week or so, Paris Hilton got totally knocked up and has gone through two trimesters of pregnancy. What with her sleeping with every other guy in New York, it would only make sense that the combined power of all that sperm would shoot her pregnancy into overdrive. And considering I have a PhD in pregnancy from Columbia Medical School, you can just go ahead and assume that everything I say is completely true and scientifically possible.

[Image via Forumer]

Tom Crusie is everywhere

Tom Cruise needs to make a movie every week, cause this page pretty much writes itself whenever he’s taken off his leash. He seems to get dumber by the minute. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Here’s just the stuff from yesterday.

Tom Cruise is “confused” by sex: “Wait … the vagina? Really? That doesn’t sound right. Why on earth would I put it there?”

Tom Cruise believes in aliens: tell you what Tom, when a big silver UFO lands on the White House lawn at noon on a Wednesday, and a big ramp opens up and a big dinosaur-lookin thing begins a speech with “People of Earth…”, I’ll start believing in aliens. As long as the only reports come from drunk rednecks and Mexicans filming lights in the sky when they live a mile from the airport, I’m remain cautiously pessimistic.

And then there is this story that came in yesterday from that little hottie Katherine in response to our Rob Thomas story. Hey isn’t Katie short for Katherine?

My good friend and acting coach's best friend was a long time assistant to Katie Couric, and being on the set of the Today Show brought in a LOT of information that she of course had monetary and contractual incentive not to share, but anyway, now she doesn't work for her, and she talks freely. According to her, Tom Cruise is a total homosexual slut, and the powers that be at the Scientology headquarters cover this up with relationships and whatnot in exchange for his unwavering loyalty to Scientology. ALSO, more substantial, is that John Travolta has the same deal with the Scientologists, that he's a homosexual, they have photographic evidence, and his entire relationship with Kelly Preston is a Scientology related scam.”

Note - as always (since Cruise loves to sue people) I need to point out that this story is based on conjecture and hearsay. For the record, the Superficial feels that Tom Cruise's heterosexuality is the stuff of legend. In fact, I heard a tribe in Africa has a song about him. Man that guy loves the kitty!

Tom Cruise and Rob Thomas caught in bed

If there's one thing I know, it's that random gossip from total strangers based on absolutely no facts is true about 100% of the time. That said, here's an email that reader Rob decided to forward in.

So, I work with this girl who has a family friend that works in PR in Hollywood, and she always has fun little scoops about celeb stuff. Well, if this is true, this is just ridiculous! So, the whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes thing - apparently, it is, like we all thought anyway, a ridiculous PR thing. Tom Cruise was supposedly caught in bed with Rob Thomas (the lead singer of Matchbox 20) by Rob Thomas's wife, Marisol. Rob Thomas is also a Scientologist. Obviously, nobody wanted this to get out, and Marisol was going nuts threatening to expose them. I think that she might be getting paid off, but to preempt any rumors about Tom, the Scientology people as well as Tom's PR people basically recruited Katie Holmes to play this part of Tom's super-excited girlfriend, and they are just paying her a b*ttload of money. I guess they also woo'd her with promises of what this would do for her career, since she's at best a B-lister. But I guess now Marisol is so annoyed at all of the press Tom and Katie's relationship is getting, she's threatening to go public, spill the beans, and file for divorce.

Sure, why not.

Eva Longoria scared of rapists

Eva Longoria is reportedly scared of the paparazzi because she gets paranoid that photographers hiding in bushes around her home will one day be replaced by rapists. Considering how incredibly hot Eva Longoria is, her paranoia is probably justified. I don't want to scare her or anything, but there are about 10 gazillion guys out there whose number one goal in life is to put their penis inside of her. And in case you didn't know, 10 gazillion is a lot.

The Superficial News

• In case you're wondering, Elle Macpherson is not seeing Colin Farrell. In other not news, Katie Holmes is not having three way sex with a donkey and Hulk Hogan. Or is she?

• Tom Cruise has begged Nicole Kidman to be a guest at his wedding to Katie Holmes, saying she must attend to set a good example for their kids. As if Tom being a complete lunatic isn't strong enough parenting on its own. Which it is, because having your dad jump around on Oprah and then denounce psychiatry as the work of the Devil is pretty much the best example a parent can set. I mean, next to murdering orphans and eating their internal organs that is, which is also pretty good parenting if you ask me.

• From the mouth of Ryan Seacrest: "I have always been a massive pop fan. That's not always the coolest thing for a guy to admit, and I definitely got teased for it. But I remember thinking Paula was hot. That's when I realized I liked girls." There's nothing wrong with being homosexual, but there's something 100% wrong with being Ryan Seacrest. It's like some strange paradox that nobody except wise Asian men living in the mountains will ever understand.

• On Monday, Paula Abdul urged California lawmakers to crack down on nail salon hygiene. Yeah, you wish I was making this crap up.

• A homemade sex tape that Eve made when she was 21 has started circulating the net. I don't want to give anything away, but the video features Eve's vagina, a dildo, and a man pleasuring himself in what I can only describe as an act of horrible disgustingness. I'm no expert on sex tapes, but there has to be a better angle to shoot from than straight up the vagina. See the incredibly NSFW video here.

Avril Lavigne is engaged

From Yahoo News: “Us Weekly says the 20-year-old [Avril Lavigne] is engaged to marry Deryck Whibley, the frontman for the punk-pop group Sum 41. [She] began dating the 25-year-old musician in early 2004. They had been friends for several years before that, the magazine said.”

Here are some pictures that might show the engagement ring Deryck gave Avril. He better just hope she never snuggles up to me like this, or my sexy bedroom eyes will force her to kiss me and she’ll immediately notice how much I taste like intrigue and danger. She’ll also probably notice that I don’t have any dumb ass random letters in the spelling of my name. No pointless Y’s or T’s or pictures of elephants. And if she marries me, her last name wont be Whibley, which makes him sound like he should be the Principal in a 1950’s comic book high school. Or maybe running the orphanage that me and my diverse group of friends have to save by winning the breakdancing competition.

Is Angelina Jolie pregnant?

I’ve been burned on stuff like this before, but I’m passing on this story from sexy reader Charlotte cause she says she's an entertainment reporter in Cape Town, so I’m guessing she’s pretty hot, and when we have our steamy affair, she'll insist I’m the best she’s ever had in that super sexy accent. She also included the words “swallow” and “tongue” in the email, and I’ll pretty much do whatever you say if you’re hot and throw around words drenched in sex like that. Here’s the report she says came in on the BANG Showbiz wire from the UK:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are reportedly expecting a child together. The beautiful actress, who has continually denied her high-profile fling with the handsome star after meeting on the set of 'Mr. & Mrs. Smith' last year, is said to be three months pregnant. One source told America's New York Post journalist Braden Keil over the weekend: "She's just in her first trimester. Obviously, they're keeping everything very quiet."

Meanwhile, Jolie's spokesperson has failed to return literally hundreds of phone calls and emails by reporters.

Last weekend, Brad was photographed playing 'Dad' to Angelina's adopted son Maddox. The Hollywood heavyweight, whose desire to start a family was one of the reasons his marriage to Jennifer Aniston broke up, was seen in a cornfield near Jolie's home, teaching the youngster to ride a motorbike. Despite the actress claiming in 2002 she preferred adopting when she and then-husband Billy Bob Thornton adopted her Cambodian son, now 3, friends say she would do anything for Brad. A source told America's Star magazine: "Angelina is very giving. If she thinks it will make Brad happy she probably won't hesitate."

I couldn’t seem to find any conformation on this, and when I ran a search on “BANG Showbiz” I just started to giggle and couldn’t finish, so just treat this as a rumor, unless it’s true, in which case just melt down my gold medal for journalism and send me a check.

Update - as seductive temptress Kristin points out, Fox News has now commented on this same report, as has Page Six.

Surprisingly, psychiatrists disagree with Tom Cruise

From Yahoo News: "It is irresponsible for Mr. Cruise to use his movie publicity tour to promote his own ideological views and deter people with mental illness from getting the care they need," APA President Dr. Steven Sharfstein said in a statement. “Rigorous, published, peer-reviewed research clearly demonstrates that treatment (of mental illness) works," the APA statement said. "It is unfortunate that in the face of this remarkable scientific and clinical progress that a small number of individuals and groups persist in questioning its legitimacy."

My grandmother once walked in on me while I was having relations with a cardboard Lisa Dergan cutout with a hole punched in a certain spot and a can of Crisco strapped to the back, but that wasn’t nearly as embarrassing as Tom Cruise and his endless insane rambling about stuff he knows nothing about. Just to recap, Tom Cruise feels that spending 140 an hour to talk to a licensed psychiatrist who spent 6 years to get a doctrine in a universally recognized science is a sham, but spending 500 an hour to talk with an easily tricked dupe who got their training from another easily tricked dupe is the path to salvation. I’m not sure how happy I am with the idea of the person in charge of my mental health going home to their studio apartment and warming Chef Boyardee still in the can on a hot plate for dinner. Of course, Scientology does have the endorsement of Kirstie Alley, who said, “It’s not hocus pocus … if you can erase engrams, then you get better.” Cause I’ll be honest, if there’s a secret to mental and physical health, Kisrtie Alley seems to know it.

Note - that chart with the prices is from a Time Magazine cover story in 1991. So "auditing" cost 500 dollars an hour 15 years ago. According to my calculations … adjusted for inflation … factor in Scientology court costs … and their bail money … the new price per hour is a live human baby and your still beating heart.

Chris Tucker gets pulled over

My favorite part of this video of Chris Tucker getting pulled over in Georgia while driving 110MPH in his Bentley is when he apologizes to the cops, and then explains he’s been pulled over for this before. Does anyone actually mean it when they apologize to a cop? Why do people even bother to say crap like that. It’s like people who say “I’d love to help”. Those people never help. Just once I’d like to hear someone say, “I’d love to help … and here I go.”