Eva Longoria scared of rapists

Eva Longoria is reportedly scared of the paparazzi because she gets paranoid that photographers hiding in bushes around her home will one day be replaced by rapists. Considering how incredibly hot Eva Longoria is, her paranoia is probably justified. I don't want to scare her or anything, but there are about 10 gazillion guys out there whose number one goal in life is to put their penis inside of her. And in case you didn't know, 10 gazillion is a lot.

The Superficial News

• In case you're wondering, Elle Macpherson is not seeing Colin Farrell. In other not news, Katie Holmes is not having three way sex with a donkey and Hulk Hogan. Or is she?

• Tom Cruise has begged Nicole Kidman to be a guest at his wedding to Katie Holmes, saying she must attend to set a good example for their kids. As if Tom being a complete lunatic isn't strong enough parenting on its own. Which it is, because having your dad jump around on Oprah and then denounce psychiatry as the work of the Devil is pretty much the best example a parent can set. I mean, next to murdering orphans and eating their internal organs that is, which is also pretty good parenting if you ask me.

• From the mouth of Ryan Seacrest: "I have always been a massive pop fan. That's not always the coolest thing for a guy to admit, and I definitely got teased for it. But I remember thinking Paula was hot. That's when I realized I liked girls." There's nothing wrong with being homosexual, but there's something 100% wrong with being Ryan Seacrest. It's like some strange paradox that nobody except wise Asian men living in the mountains will ever understand.

• On Monday, Paula Abdul urged California lawmakers to crack down on nail salon hygiene. Yeah, you wish I was making this crap up.

• A homemade sex tape that Eve made when she was 21 has started circulating the net. I don't want to give anything away, but the video features Eve's vagina, a dildo, and a man pleasuring himself in what I can only describe as an act of horrible disgustingness. I'm no expert on sex tapes, but there has to be a better angle to shoot from than straight up the vagina. See the incredibly NSFW video here.

Avril Lavigne is engaged

From Yahoo News: “Us Weekly says the 20-year-old [Avril Lavigne] is engaged to marry Deryck Whibley, the frontman for the punk-pop group Sum 41. [She] began dating the 25-year-old musician in early 2004. They had been friends for several years before that, the magazine said.”

Here are some pictures that might show the engagement ring Deryck gave Avril. He better just hope she never snuggles up to me like this, or my sexy bedroom eyes will force her to kiss me and she’ll immediately notice how much I taste like intrigue and danger. She’ll also probably notice that I don’t have any dumb ass random letters in the spelling of my name. No pointless Y’s or T’s or pictures of elephants. And if she marries me, her last name wont be Whibley, which makes him sound like he should be the Principal in a 1950’s comic book high school. Or maybe running the orphanage that me and my diverse group of friends have to save by winning the breakdancing competition.

Is Angelina Jolie pregnant?

I’ve been burned on stuff like this before, but I’m passing on this story from sexy reader Charlotte cause she says she's an entertainment reporter in Cape Town, so I’m guessing she’s pretty hot, and when we have our steamy affair, she'll insist I’m the best she’s ever had in that super sexy accent. She also included the words “swallow” and “tongue” in the email, and I’ll pretty much do whatever you say if you’re hot and throw around words drenched in sex like that. Here’s the report she says came in on the BANG Showbiz wire from the UK:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are reportedly expecting a child together. The beautiful actress, who has continually denied her high-profile fling with the handsome star after meeting on the set of 'Mr. & Mrs. Smith' last year, is said to be three months pregnant. One source told America's New York Post journalist Braden Keil over the weekend: "She's just in her first trimester. Obviously, they're keeping everything very quiet."

Meanwhile, Jolie's spokesperson has failed to return literally hundreds of phone calls and emails by reporters.

Last weekend, Brad was photographed playing 'Dad' to Angelina's adopted son Maddox. The Hollywood heavyweight, whose desire to start a family was one of the reasons his marriage to Jennifer Aniston broke up, was seen in a cornfield near Jolie's home, teaching the youngster to ride a motorbike. Despite the actress claiming in 2002 she preferred adopting when she and then-husband Billy Bob Thornton adopted her Cambodian son, now 3, friends say she would do anything for Brad. A source told America's Star magazine: "Angelina is very giving. If she thinks it will make Brad happy she probably won't hesitate."

I couldn’t seem to find any conformation on this, and when I ran a search on “BANG Showbiz” I just started to giggle and couldn’t finish, so just treat this as a rumor, unless it’s true, in which case just melt down my gold medal for journalism and send me a check.

Update - as seductive temptress Kristin points out, Fox News has now commented on this same report, as has Page Six.

Surprisingly, psychiatrists disagree with Tom Cruise

From Yahoo News: "It is irresponsible for Mr. Cruise to use his movie publicity tour to promote his own ideological views and deter people with mental illness from getting the care they need," APA President Dr. Steven Sharfstein said in a statement. “Rigorous, published, peer-reviewed research clearly demonstrates that treatment (of mental illness) works," the APA statement said. "It is unfortunate that in the face of this remarkable scientific and clinical progress that a small number of individuals and groups persist in questioning its legitimacy."

My grandmother once walked in on me while I was having relations with a cardboard Lisa Dergan cutout with a hole punched in a certain spot and a can of Crisco strapped to the back, but that wasn’t nearly as embarrassing as Tom Cruise and his endless insane rambling about stuff he knows nothing about. Just to recap, Tom Cruise feels that spending 140 an hour to talk to a licensed psychiatrist who spent 6 years to get a doctrine in a universally recognized science is a sham, but spending 500 an hour to talk with an easily tricked dupe who got their training from another easily tricked dupe is the path to salvation. I’m not sure how happy I am with the idea of the person in charge of my mental health going home to their studio apartment and warming Chef Boyardee still in the can on a hot plate for dinner. Of course, Scientology does have the endorsement of Kirstie Alley, who said, “It’s not hocus pocus … if you can erase engrams, then you get better.” Cause I’ll be honest, if there’s a secret to mental and physical health, Kisrtie Alley seems to know it.

Note - that chart with the prices is from a Time Magazine cover story in 1991. So "auditing" cost 500 dollars an hour 15 years ago. According to my calculations … adjusted for inflation … factor in Scientology court costs … and their bail money … the new price per hour is a live human baby and your still beating heart.

Chris Tucker gets pulled over

My favorite part of this video of Chris Tucker getting pulled over in Georgia while driving 110MPH in his Bentley is when he apologizes to the cops, and then explains he’s been pulled over for this before. Does anyone actually mean it when they apologize to a cop? Why do people even bother to say crap like that. It’s like people who say “I’d love to help”. Those people never help. Just once I’d like to hear someone say, “I’d love to help … and here I go.”

King Kong trailer is online

The first trailer for Peter Jackson’s King Kong hit tonight and the best place to see it seems to be on Volkswagen.com. For some reason. But you can skip the ads and find the trailer right here. The film is due at Christmas and stars super F-able Naomi Watts, unfunny Hollywood funnyman Jack Black and Gargamel. He'll get those Smurfs yet, ha-ha! Wait … no … holy crap, that’s Adrian Brody. Jesus Christ that guy is ugly. Anyway, the trailer looks pretty great, especially the anger on Kong’s face in the very last frame, but I don’t think it would have killed them to make sure the T-Rex didn’t look exactly like the ones from Jurassic Park. It’s not like anyone can say definitively what dinosaurs looked like, so Christ, give him some roller skates or something. Maybe make him real queer and swishy. We haven’t seen that before. Or maybe put a upside down bowl of spaghetti on his head and give him a shirt that says “I Hate Mondays!” Cause that would be freakin adorable.

Paul Bettany on short list for Batman sequel

I’m really really cute. But I turned down the role of the Joker in the sequel to Batman Begins, (I don't do television or comic book movies) so Paul Bettany seems like a pretty awesome second choice. And according to several outlets this morning, he is now atop a very short list that also includes Crispin Glover and Lachy Hulme. Bettany, also known as that son of a bitch attached to the penis inside Jennifer Connolly, is probably best known for his work in a bunch of movies I never saw and A Knights Tale. He was not, however, in A Knights Tail: Ye Olde Anal Adventure, which I mistakenly rented that time I was babysitting and meant to get An American Tail: Fievel Goes West. The movie was okay, but it seemed to freak the kids out a little. I suspect because those girls don’t appear to have been real Knights at all. I pretty much run the Renaissance Fair every spring, and the lances we rent from the costume shop are pretty clear that your not supposed to put them there.

Lindsay Lohan not about the drama

From IMDb: Lindsay Lohan strode past protestors at the opening of the first American De Beers store on Wednesday, despite the shouts of angry protestors. Representatives from advocacy group Survival International, who claim De Beers' diamond mining in Botswana has led to the evictions of Gana and Gwi bushmen, shouted "shame on you" and "cultural genocide" as celebrities arrived for the launch. When asked by reporters when she thought about the bushmen controversy, Lohan replied, "I don't get involved in any drama."

Lohan did not go on to ad, “I’m Lindsay fuckin Lohan you son of a bitch. Star of a little something called “Freaky Friday”. Gee, maybe you’ve heard of it. What? No, the remake. I don’t know, like 4 years ago. It had Jamie Lee Curtis. Yes, she’s still alive. Or maybe she's not, the point is, what do I care if DeBeers has built it’s empire on blood and slavery and
thuggerey and robbing indigenous peoples of their land. If that’s the cost of getting me a shiny rock, hey, so be it. I don’t get involved with any drama. Unless it’s something really important, like where my life-changing song is placed in Herbie: Fully Loaded. I’m trying to heal this planet, and how can I do that if people have to wait 20 minutes to hear my crappy music.”