Megan Mullally and Debra Messing fondle breasts

After Camryn Manheim introduced Debra Messing and Megan Mullally as the new Lucy and Ethel at last Friday's 2005 Women in Film Crystal/Lucy Awards, Megan Mullally playfully fondled Debra Messing's breasts.

The act got a big laugh at the annual event, and the bawdy tone spread throughout the evening as honorees and presenters told naughty jokes.

I'm so glad that there's somebody out there with the courage and integrity to stand up and do what I've always believed women should do: fondle each others' breasts. Unfortunately, the sight of Camryn Manheim sort of ruins the whole experience, but that's the price you have to pay if you want to see breast fondling action in public. And my God, is it a terrible and horrifying price.

Michael Jackson acquitted on all charges

Michael Jackson has been acquitted of all 10 charges against him, including getting a 13-year old cancer patient drunk and then sexing him up in ways only a deviant like your mother could. Wait, what? Did I just call your mother a deviant child molestor? Why yes, yes I did.

Mr. Jackson was prosecuted on 10 felony counts - four of child molesting, one of attempted child molesting, four of administering alcohol to aid in the commission of a felony, and conspiracy to commit child abduction, false imprisonment and extortion. Together, the charges carried a maximum possible sentence of more than 18 years in prison.

This whole Michael Jackson thing is really boring to me so let's just call it a day and have some pie or something.

Christina Aguilera music now officially torture

This week, Time magazine “reports on the interrogation of Mohammed al Qahtani at Guantanamo Bay, who is widely believed to be the so-called 20th hijacker, a compatriot of Osama bin Laden and a man who had tried to enter the U.S. in August 2001 to take part in the Sept. 11 attacks … The quizzing now starts at midnight, and when (al Qahtani) dozes off, interrogators rouse him by dripping water on his head or playing Christina Aguilera music.”

Thanks a lot pussy liberals. This could have been an awesome report if not for you, and they could have replaced the words “dripping water onto” with “slammed a hammer into” and “playing Christina Aguilera music” with “execute”. Honest to God, once I'm in charge, if I see any electronic equipment brought into a room with a guy involved with 9/11, I better hear the phrase, “Red is positve, black is negative” and “don't bother with any KY.”

Scarlett Johansson needs to think harder

According to a story on Glamour UK, “Scarlett Johansson says her ultimate fantasy would be having sex in the back seat of a car … ‘I do think having sex in a car is sexy. If I were in a really raunchy frame of mind and thinking of doing something crazy and kinky and sexy, the back seat would be it.’

I haven’t gotten around to having sex with Scarlett Johansson yet, I’ve been pretty busy, but I’ve always assumed it was gonna be pretty hot. Now I’m not so sure. Scarlett needs to get a computer, cause the back-seat fantasy died in the 1950’s once people figured out what porn was and it was only exciting in the first place cause drive-in movies led you to believe you might get attacked by a monster. If her ultimate deviant fantasy is sex in the back seat, I might bring a magazine or something cause I’m gonna get pretty bored pretty fast. Unless the back seat is filled with 10 other models and a saddle and some cowgirl hats. And a little something called the ‘Mr. T Power Fist.’ Although I’m gonna need a AC outlet and a surge suppressor for that one.

Jessica Simpson in These Boots Are Made For Walkin music video

You know what the difference between a mantis woman like Paris Hilton and a real woman like Jessica Simpson is? When Paris Hilton gets in a bikini and washes a car, people start throwing hissy fits and complaining that she's a whore. When Jessica Simpson gets in a bikini and washes a car, people don't have enough time to complain because they've already orgasmed like eight times. No wait, better make that nine. Uh...ten. Good lord.

Anyway, here's Jessica Simpson's music video for These Boots Are Made For Walkin. I'd say more, but that would only get in the way of you and a video so hot it made me orgasm twenty-seven times in three minutes. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to lie down and die.

Watch These Boots Are Made For Walkin Video (.asx)

Adam Brody is cheap and can’t tell a story

My first commercial was for a medication grade acne [treatment]," The OC star revealed this week. "They had to put me in like two hours of make-up … I've never seen it, but my friends have seen it. They did a 'before' and 'after' in the commercial and I started out with a lot of acne. And then they go to 'after' and I was like, 'Well at least the audience will know that I really don't have huge boils on my face because we'll clean it off.' And they were like, 'Well, actually not so, buddy, because you'd have tons of acne scars.' So then I hug my mom and I'm all like pock-marked. That's in existence somewhere and $100 to whoever finds it! I've never seen it."

I read that four times - mostly because I can barely read - but also because I got worried, because Adam Brody tells stories like he’s undercover and trying to work in a code word so the FBI knows that the deal has gone bad and it's time to send in his backup. So, like, has anyone heard? Is he okay? Cause I’m totally gonna bang Rachel Bilson if he‘s dead.

Brad Pitt doesn't recognize Lindsay Lohan

During the premiere of Mr. and Mrs. Smith on Tuesday, Lindsay Lohan ran up to talk to Brad Pitt while he was signing autographs and he didn't recognize her. Unfortunately, his publicist told him who she was before he could bust out any anti-stalker ass kicking.

"I just ran up to Brad Pitt like a stalker," Lohan says in the Wednesday, June 8 interview with "Access Hollywood." "I said, 'I just have to introduce myself.'He didn't know who I was, and [then] he was like, 'Ohhh.'

This would have been funnier if he had punched her in the face and then peed on her, but I guess not knowing who she is is as good as it's going to get. I don't know why, but I'm always hoping that one day a celebrity will pee on somebody just because they think they can get away with it. I'm going to be so happy when that day comes.

Continue Reading

Tom Cruise recreates Oprah insanity

Tom Cruise poked fun at himself last night on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno by recreating his insane appearance on Oprah. I didn't catch it because I don't watch crap, but seeing him jump on couches and do more arm pumping action might have made Jay Leno bearable for my eyes. Actually no, there's nothing in the world that could make me stand Jay Leno. Unless it was some TV special where Conan O'Brien was beating him to death with an alligator. I think I could muster up the courage to watch that.

Tom Cruise is happy. And easily tricked.

In an interview now online on Entertainment Weekly, Tom Cruise addresses some of his insane tendencies of late, including flopping around on Oprah, taking shots out of nowhere on Brooke Shields and his ramped up commitment to Scientology, the only thing that can save the lost souls here on Teegeeack, or what you humans call “Earth.” Before anyone is too hard on Tom, just remember that his body is inhabited by the wandering souls of fried space aliens. So that sucks. And laugh if you want, but once Xenu is freed from his electronic mountain trap and order is restored to the Galactic Confederation, (an alliance of 76 planets founded 95 million years ago) you’re gonna feel pretty silly. No offense all of you who don't believe in Xenu, but you're kinda makin an ass out of yourself.

Thanks to Christie for the Scientology link. And here’s another thanks to sex-kitten reader Jenny.