Tricia Helfer is really really naked

I only barely know who Tricia Helfer is - she might be the one in those sex tapes I have labeled “sex with Tricia Helfer” - so her getting bare ass naked was an awesome idea to get my attention. I do know she’s on that Battlestar Galactica show on Sci-Fi, so between her and Grace Park, I’m not sure why it isn’t the greatest show of all time. Cause I would think they would have a lot of giggly pillow fights and sexy bondage parties in space. I know I would. It’s space, man. No rules.

Wildly NSFW picture after the jump.

Picture blatantly stolen from Ryan over on Gorilla Mask. Of course, ours is in higher-res, cause I heard he spends all his bandwidth money on juvenile animal porn. Ponies, man. That’s just gross.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in W Magazine

If you ever wanted to see what Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt would look like raising a family in the 1960’s, put down the pot now’s your chance. A 60 page photo shoot of the couple playing house will be published in W Magazine, on sale nationally June 24, June 10 in New York City. Far from hiding in the shadows with their new relationship, Pitt is reportedly so happy with the pictures he wants to have them exhibited in an art gallery in Los Angeles. And while that might be pretty cool, best of luck drawing more people then I did with my exhibition of me pointing at things in my bathroom.

All credit for the pics to the great pittcenter.com.

Brad Pitt on Primetime Live

Me and some of the supermodels watched the Brad Pitt interview on Primetime Live last night - the models wanted to see Brad, I wanted to see the African villagers and call the models fat - but they started to get un-horny when they saw the little kids, so I turned it off and gave them a Winnie the Pooh that giggles when you press his tummy. Luckily I overheard one of the caddies at my country club talking about it, and from what Guillermo said, it seems Pitt spent most of the night talking about Ethiopia, the heartbreaking level of poverty there and what he feels the Unites States government can do about it. Guillermo made some interesting points about oversimplifying complex problems and how government does nothing well or efficiently, charity being no exception. He said that private charities handle things like this more effectively 100 percent of the time, but Pitts heart seems to be in the right place and he deserves a great deal of credit for trading time with uncomfortable personal questions in exchange for shedding some light on Africa’s problems, at least according to the wise and thoughtful Guillermo. I had him fired and deported anyway of course. Maybe I overreacted, or maybe he shouldn’t talk during my backswing, its hard to say for sure, but I am gonna miss the guy. We’ve had some good times, Guillermo. I’m gonna miss you, bro.

To learn more about the ONE Campaigns efforts to end poverty in Africa click here. And the role of “Brad Pitt” is now being played by Jake Busey.

Lindsay Lohan loves cocaine. Allegedly.

It would be awesome if TVgasm had even a mildly more credible name, but I’m gonna pass on their claim about Lindsay Lohan and her dramatic weight loss none the less.

“TVgasm has learned from a source close to Lindsay Lohan that her shrinking, frail frame is not the result of an eating disorder, but of a coke addiction mixed will diet pill abuse … part of the Lohan elite agreed to give me some information on conditions of anonymity … “(her) partying is getting out of control,” the source reports. “She's gone from occasional coke use to a full on fiend; it's scary.”

Lindsay Lohan is either a coke freak or she’s been cursed by the Black Pearl. She’s an eighteen year old billionaire princess who for some inexplicable reason looks like she’s done two tours in ‘Nam. Maybe in a world of unicorn chariots and gumdrop rainbows there’s a completely rational explanation for how someone loses 50 pounds over the weekend that doesn’t involve amputation, but I'm pessimistic. If years of training with the Bolshoi Ballet taught me anything, it’s what girls look like when all they eat is cigarettes and cocaine. And, umm, it's exactly like this.

Tyson Beckford cuts face in car crash

Supermodel Tyson Beckford was sent to Jersey City Medical Center at 5am yesterday after getting cuts and bruises on his face from a mysterious car crash. I say "mysterious" only because the freaking article says mysterious, like there were ghosts at work or something. Which I hear there were. Ghosts. At work. Wait, did somebody say ghosts? I'm scared!

An inside source said, "He looked pretty badly beaten to me, but he was laughing about it. He didn't seem bothered about his face. He was more concerned about what had happened to his car."

Sadly, his car happens to be a 1986 Honda Accord. Okay maybe I made that up, but maybe I didn't. It's not like you know.

Lindsay Lohan has her chest reduced

In response to test audiences who felt that Lindsay Lohans chest in the upcoming Herbie: Fully Loaded was a little too full and supple and fun to look at, Disney technicians have spent over 1 million dollars to “digitally alter numerous scenes - especially those showing Lindsay jumping up and down at a motor racing track - reducing her breasts by two cup sizes and raising revealing necklines on her T-shirts.”

Way to go there Disney. Nice job freaking out Lindsey Lohan. I know this story just came out a few days ago, but I’m sure the process started a few weeks ago, about the same time Lindsay dyed her hair and stopped eating until her glorious rack shriveled up. The same rack you told her was evil and needed to be erased. Coincidence? Probably, but screw you anyway. “The park has a dress code,” my ass. If I’m more comfortable oiled up in sandles and a thong, how dare you judge me. And since when is a big gold medallion not considered a shirt?

Thanks to Christie over on the BWE blog, you can see Lindsay in the video for 'First', from the movie soundtrack. "Thanks" might not be the right word.

Britney Spears is having a baby girl

According to a report on MSNBC, Britney Spears is expecting a baby girl:

“The pregnant pop tart loaded up on designer infant clothes — all for girls — at Petit Tresor, one of Hollywood's chicest tot emporiums. ‘I don't think it was a present for someone else, she was buying a lot.’ The mom-to-be also stocked up on such accessories as blankets and bibs. A rep at the store confirmed Britney's shopping spree but declined to give details. ‘She was very private, and we respect that,’ said the rep. ‘And she was also very pleasant.’”

This kid would have a better chance being raised by hungry wolves, but if Britney and Kevin have to get one, thank God it’s gonna be a girl. They would have screwed up a boy or a girl, but at least a girl will act on her emotional emptiness by stripping in 18 years and four months. As opposed to them torturing a boy with their insane, spoiled antics, in which case he would be the one carjacking me in 15 years or approaching me in a truck stop bathroom and asking if I wanted to “party”.

Just a little reminder of what Kevin has done to this girl. And why you need to throw a rock at him if you see him before I do. But if you do see him, and he's rubbing his head as if he just got hit by a rock, it's cool, I found him.

Russel Crowe throws telephones at people

Russel Crowe was arrested in New York today for throwing a telephone at the concierge at the Mercer Hotel in SoHo. I don't know what the big deal is here. I mean Russel Crowe is a big important movie star and that concierge is just some stupid concierge. Obviously that gives Russel the right to start throwing telephones at his face whenever he feels like it. Heck, he probably should have just stabbed the guy for not properly licking his shoes.

"This arose because he was trying to get his wife on the phone in Australia," his attorney, Gerald Lefcourt, told reporters earlier outside the police precinct where Crowe was booked. "He was in his room. He couldn't get a line and there was a disagreement."

Paris Hilton is not that rich

A report from Radar Online is claiming that, “While the tabs typically gush about the Hiltons’ ‘$1 billion fortune,’ (they) have long scraped by on freebies and a modest trust fund. ‘The truth is, there are so many Hiltons out there that each one is due only a few million,’ a source close to the family says.” The unnamed source goes on to claim that “(Paris will) definitely get pregnant very quickly. It’ll guarantee her an income for life.”

It would be easy to call Paris Hilton a money hungry tramp. And fun too, so here I go: Paris Hilton is a money hungry tramp who has every advantage at her disposal and still only manages to look like a tarted up hussy. At best. At worst she looks like something from the valley in the 80‘s whose hair was stiff and sticky and not because of hair gel. And by “at worst” I mean “every day of her life”.