20th Century Fox hates you

AICN is finally confirming what has been rumored for a few days now, namely that talentless hack Brett Rattner has been brought on to replace Matthew Vauhgn as the director of X-Men 3. The X-Men films have never been what they should be, namely war in the streets and complete and utter spectacle, but they just became completely irrelevant and as cold as my dads hug. (“oh daddy, why wont you hug me, you hug the mail man.” *runs off crying*)

Okay, I’m back, and feeling no better about Brett Rattner. Lets be perfectly clear, the dude sucks and no one cares about any of his work. And that’s not an opinion. He stumbled into the Rush Hour movies and everything else has been completely unwatchable. I lost a bet one time and a buddy of mine got to hit me in the balls with a wiffle ball bat, and as painful and miserable as I knew it was going to be, I saw it all the way through. Keep that in mind when I tell you that I own After the Sunset on DVD and have started to watch it a dozen times, but have never had the high pain threshold needed to make it past the 30 minute mark.

Natalie Glebova is Miss Universe 2005

I meant to post this last week when it was actually relevant and timely, but I was too busy getting distracted by insanely hot pictures of Jessica Simpson in a bikini and Jessica Alba in a see through dress. And by distracted I mean masturbating. And by masturbating I mean masturbating furiously.

Anyways, Natalie Glebova of Canada was crowned Miss Universe 2005 last Tuesday. I didn't catch the show myself, but based purely on pictures I think Miss Puerto Rico would have been a better choice. For all I know she gave a speech supporting nuclear war and the eating of kittens, but considering how foxy she looks I really don't care. Not that Miss Canada isn't foxy herself, because she's also pretty damn foxy, but Miss Puerto Rico just seems that much foxier. And maybe, just maybe, if I say "foxy" three more times all the contestants will strip naked and get into a jacuzzi with me. Not that that hasn't already happened, but it'd be neat if it happened again. I'm so lonely...

Pictures of Miss Puerto Rico after the jump.

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Jessica Alba has awesome taste

Hot girls make me so happy. So you can imagine the unbridled joy and near painful hard-on these picture of Jessica Alba in a see-thru dress taken Saturday at the MTV Movie Awards gives me. This dress is actually fairly dopey looking, unless you're turned on by Robin Hood, (and I heard you were. Perv) but the fact that it’s the sheerest fabric ever developed by the world's greatest fabric making people gets it a gold medal in whatever category that might be.

In non-masturbating news, I feel compelled to mention the pain it causes me that Dustin Hoffman won the MTV award for ‘Best Comedic Performance’. Dustin Hoffman is a lot of things (most of them weird) but funny isn’t one of them. Unless your idea of funny is something awkward and tragic like a birthday party pony collapsing and dying because the fat kid got on. Oh, uhh, never mind. I hadn’t pictured that until just now.

More pictures after the jump.

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The Superficial Interview: April Scott

Even though this interview with model and actress April Scott is pretty damn long, keep in mind as you read it that I edited out all the parts where I fawned over her or terrified her by being inappropriately personal or just generally made a brain-dead ass out of myself. Unfortunately that took the interview from 47 pages long to “hi”, so I put some of that stuff back in and the result is what many scientists are calling the greatest interview ever. But it’s that way only because of April, who would be obsession-worthy even if she weren’t so devastatingly beautiful.

Raised on a farm in southeastern Missouri, April moved to Los Angeles shortly after graduating from Christian College in Branson, where she was awarded a bachelors degree in theater and graduated as valedictorian with a 4.083 grade point average. Quite frankly, I could have done without that. It’s charming as hell that April is so damn smart and genuinely sweet, but it wrecked the original idea which was to just ask her if she would have sex with me over and over and over until she caved, or at least ask wildly offensive and inappropriate stuff like “I heard your gynecologist sent you a dozen roses one time. Is that true?” But it quickly became obvious that April wasn’t going to put up with any of that crap. So instead we talked about make-up tricks, dogs, supernatural powers and alligator wrestling, but mostly about her meteoric success as a model and actress. She’s landed choice roles on The Shield and CSI: Miami, and hosting gigs for shows on TBS and ESPN2. But you don’t look like April looks without getting modeling work, and she’s done a lot, for Glamour, Maxim, and Shape, as well as Bud Light and endless catalogs and calendars.

So here you go, more pictures of April and the two of us spreading our message of love in the very first Superficial Interview. All after the jump.

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Jessica Simpson had sex with Bam Margera. Allegedly.

In what should be the world's most surprising story but somehow isn't, Jenn Rivell, the ex-fiancé of Bam Margera, claimed durng an interview this morning on Philadelphia based radio station Q102 that Bam had sex with Jessica Simpson, backing up the same claim made by Phil Margera, Bam’s father. Rivell also claimed knowledge that Simpson had sex with Johnny Knoxville while the two were filming the Dukes of Hazard. Rivell did not address what in the hell is wrong with Sean William Scott and why he couldn't get any of that.

You can hear Rivell's entire phone call on the Chio in the Morning radio show right here.

Jack White and Karen Elson get married

Jack White secretly married Karen Elson yesterday in Brazil after a five week romance with the model. A lot of people are speculating this is all some lame publicity stunt, but I'm a firm believer that you can find love in only five weeks. Wait, did I say "love"? I meant sex. Anal sex. With prostitutes.

From Thailand.

Christian Slater picks disgusting victim

The unnamed 52-year-old victim who was allegedly grabbed by Christian Slater says she is pursuing legal action against him because he angrily ordered her not to press charges instead of apologizing. The most shocking thing about this whole story is that the woman's ass that Christian Slater grabbed was 52-years old. My God, man. What jury in the world is ever going to believe that anybody would want to grab a 52-year old's ass, let alone Christian Slater. Seriously, that's gross. Anyways, Christian is due to appear in court again on June 14 when his parade of strippers will most likely tell the world that nobody likes touching 52-year olds. Which is true.

Christian Slater needs different help

A report on this mornings IMDB is claiming that “Strippers at New York club Scores are offering their services to troubled actor Christian Slater to help him avoid a sex pest tag. The movie star was arrested … on Tuesday for allegedly groping a woman on the street. But strippers at Scores … insist they'll come to his defense and testify he always keeps his hands to himself and behaves like ‘a perfect gentleman’ when he's a guest at the club.”

Strippers are good for many things. Many many many things. Many many many many many things. But generally not as a character witness in a sex-related trial. Being referred to as the best behaved client at a strip club is like being referred to as the most-huggable Kodiak bear. I support girls being anything they want to be, especially if they want to be skinny bi-sexual whores, but I’m not sure if I’m a big champion of them being the deciding factor in whether or not I do jail time.

Jennifer Garner is showing

My great hope is that these pictures are of Jennifer Garner seconds after shoplifting some kind of horrible poison and now she’s walking to the water supply where’s she gonna pour it in and choke the rivers with the bodies of our dead. Cause it’s either that or Ben Affleck really did get her pregnant. The only good news here is that, since Jen seems to be out of commission, I am now a mortal lock to win the "Hottest Buns in America" contest.