Jessica Simpson had sex with Bam Margera. Allegedly.

In what should be the world's most surprising story but somehow isn't, Jenn Rivell, the ex-fiancé of Bam Margera, claimed durng an interview this morning on Philadelphia based radio station Q102 that Bam had sex with Jessica Simpson, backing up the same claim made by Phil Margera, Bam’s father. Rivell also claimed knowledge that Simpson had sex with Johnny Knoxville while the two were filming the Dukes of Hazard. Rivell did not address what in the hell is wrong with Sean William Scott and why he couldn't get any of that.

You can hear Rivell's entire phone call on the Chio in the Morning radio show right here.

Jack White and Karen Elson get married

Jack White secretly married Karen Elson yesterday in Brazil after a five week romance with the model. A lot of people are speculating this is all some lame publicity stunt, but I'm a firm believer that you can find love in only five weeks. Wait, did I say "love"? I meant sex. Anal sex. With prostitutes.

From Thailand.

Christian Slater picks disgusting victim

The unnamed 52-year-old victim who was allegedly grabbed by Christian Slater says she is pursuing legal action against him because he angrily ordered her not to press charges instead of apologizing. The most shocking thing about this whole story is that the woman's ass that Christian Slater grabbed was 52-years old. My God, man. What jury in the world is ever going to believe that anybody would want to grab a 52-year old's ass, let alone Christian Slater. Seriously, that's gross. Anyways, Christian is due to appear in court again on June 14 when his parade of strippers will most likely tell the world that nobody likes touching 52-year olds. Which is true.

Christian Slater needs different help

A report on this mornings IMDB is claiming that “Strippers at New York club Scores are offering their services to troubled actor Christian Slater to help him avoid a sex pest tag. The movie star was arrested … on Tuesday for allegedly groping a woman on the street. But strippers at Scores … insist they'll come to his defense and testify he always keeps his hands to himself and behaves like ‘a perfect gentleman’ when he's a guest at the club.”

Strippers are good for many things. Many many many things. Many many many many many things. But generally not as a character witness in a sex-related trial. Being referred to as the best behaved client at a strip club is like being referred to as the most-huggable Kodiak bear. I support girls being anything they want to be, especially if they want to be skinny bi-sexual whores, but I’m not sure if I’m a big champion of them being the deciding factor in whether or not I do jail time.

Jennifer Garner is showing

My great hope is that these pictures are of Jennifer Garner seconds after shoplifting some kind of horrible poison and now she’s walking to the water supply where’s she gonna pour it in and choke the rivers with the bodies of our dead. Cause it’s either that or Ben Affleck really did get her pregnant. The only good news here is that, since Jen seems to be out of commission, I am now a mortal lock to win the "Hottest Buns in America" contest.

Lindsay Lohan uninjured in car crash

From Yahoo : “Lindsay Lohan wasn't injured after her car was hit by a photographer who allegedly was following the ‘Mean Girls’ actress. Galo Ramirez, 24, was booked on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon after running into Lohan's car Tuesday, police said.”

We haven’t posted anything on the Lindsay Lohan/paparazzi car wreck yet because the other guy has been busy trying on pretty dresses and kissing his Justin Timberlake posters, and I’m just completely out of ways to make fun of her. I swear to Christ, her life is filled with stuff you normally only see in cartoons. I fully expect her to show up somewhere in a barrel held up with suspenders or trying to sneak into an amusement park as the top half in a horse costume. But don’t you try that. Cause I did and you can barely breathe in those horse costumes. I don’t know how horses do it.

New 'Superman' footage is online

Some pretty cool footage online this morning from the new Superman movie. Here, in the 14th update to director Bryan Singers weblog, we see Brandon Routh as Clark Kent on his farm in Smallville in a moment of frustration throwing a baseball a couple of hundred miles. It looks pretty cool except that I’m not sure why it’s a big deal if a dude throws a baseball this far. One time I saw some cowboys abusing their horses and I threw a barn this far with all the mean cowboys inside and then I rescued all the horses and ponies and bunnies. And then I shed a single tear for the children. And did I mention that I’m a former model who comes from tremendous wealth but I walked away from all that and my father (the Colonel) has tried to buy my love but I’ve rejected that kind of opulent lifestyle. He wants me to come work at the firm, but all I care about is helping the abused animals. And the children. And doing crunches.

Just form a single line ladies, I’ve got plenty of smooches for all of you.

Britney Spears not in Playboy. Yet.

The gossip site Glamour UK is reporting that “the editor of Playboy, Marilyn Grabowski, says he'd love to have Britney Spears in his magazine, but she asked for a ‘ridiculous’ amount of money when they approached her. ‘It was too much, let's put it that way.’"

Playboy must have spent my subscription money on a time machine because Britney has pretty much looked like hell for two years now. Playboy could just open a thing of poppin-fresh dough, dress it like a tramp then put Britney’s picture and a lit cigarette at the top and it would pretty much be the same thing. I’d rather see my grandfather naked then Britney. The girl in the pics below is gone. She could have glow-in-the-dark tentacles and a forked tongue now and not look any worse, so how about we turn our focus to new hotties like April Scott. I was on April’s website and I saw a picture of her ass, and then I stabbed myself in the eyes so I could go out with one perfect image. Totally worth it dude. Uhh, wait, I mean … tigksisdfdfj kgkqweokdgkgo.

Michael Jackson is so screwed

This is London is reporting that “Michael Jackson faces a year in jail even if he is cleared of child abuse. The 46-year-old singer was told by trial judge Rodney Melville that he is to be charged with giving alcohol to a minor. It is a lesser offence than the one he was originally accused of - plying a young boy with drink in order to sexually abuse him. The jury only has to accept that the star gave Gavin Arvizo alcohol, which the trial has heard Jackson call "Jesus juice", to find him guilty…”

In Jackson’s defense, who knew it was illegal to get little kids drunk until they pass out so you can rape them? I went to Yale Law School, and I can’t remember any perfectly healthy behavior like that ever being frowned upon. But then, my immeasurable brilliance made class boring and I rarely ever went, instead becoming a campus legend because of my irreverent personality and wacky antics. And huge penis.

More about Michael Jackson's perfectly normal lifestyle here.

(warning - Okay, so that link right above this goes to the NAMBLA website, which I thought was hilarious. A few of the readers who now hear a weird clicking sound every time they use the phone seem to disagree.)