Michael Jackson is so screwed

This is London is reporting that “Michael Jackson faces a year in jail even if he is cleared of child abuse. The 46-year-old singer was told by trial judge Rodney Melville that he is to be charged with giving alcohol to a minor. It is a lesser offence than the one he was originally accused of - plying a young boy with drink in order to sexually abuse him. The jury only has to accept that the star gave Gavin Arvizo alcohol, which the trial has heard Jackson call "Jesus juice", to find him guilty…”

In Jackson’s defense, who knew it was illegal to get little kids drunk until they pass out so you can rape them? I went to Yale Law School, and I can’t remember any perfectly healthy behavior like that ever being frowned upon. But then, my immeasurable brilliance made class boring and I rarely ever went, instead becoming a campus legend because of my irreverent personality and wacky antics. And huge penis.

More about Michael Jackson's perfectly normal lifestyle here.

(warning - Okay, so that link right above this goes to the NAMBLA website, which I thought was hilarious. A few of the readers who now hear a weird clicking sound every time they use the phone seem to disagree.)

"X-Men 3" has no director

Several sources confirming now that Layer Cake director Matthew Vaughn has stepped away from X-Men 3. The movie is extremely deep into pre-production, casting has been set with the addition of Kelsey Grammar as Beast, Vinnie Jones as Juggernaut, and the actor set to play Angel was supposed to named in the next few days. A release date has already been set for Memorial Day, 2006 and filming is still set to begin in nine weeks, even though there is no director attached at this time. Sources at Marvel Comics insist that Vaughn’s departure was for personal and not professional reasons. And for some reason that reminds me that Vaughn is married to Claudia Shiffer (that’s the back of Vaughn’s head in the pictures below) and makes me wonder if this is somehow related to her. Maybe Ripley was trying to kill her again. Or … umm … I was trying to make a ‘Claudia Shiffer looks like the queen from Aliens’ joke but I can’t think of how to do it. I’m positive there’s one here somewhere. Cause Claudia Shiffer looks like the queen from Aliens. What? Oh, okay, fine, you’re so god-damn funny, you write the page!

(Brendon storms away, slams door in a huff. A sexxxy huff.)

Victoria Beckham is crafty

Contact Music is reporting that Victoria Beckham, “is releasing a series of tracks under a secret name because she fears her identity will put fans off buying her music. She explains, ‘I've recorded a number of tracks and I'm proud of them. This way, though, we can have a genuine hit and then, when it is a hit, I'll reveal my true identity.’”

This may be obvious to everyone but Victoria, but it’s not the greatest idea in the world to announce to someone that you’re sneaking up on them. Remind me not to hire Posh Spice for any of the top-secret black-op’s I have planned. She may look hot when we come out of the moonlit ocean in our wetsuits, but I don’t need to have my knife drawn and about to slit the guards throat just to have Posh blurt out, “Yeah, yeah, get him, get him!”

'Revolver' trailer is online

A teaser trailer for the new Guy Ritchie flick Revolver is now online, hosted exclusively by the Sun. This movie will probably be exactly like Lock, Stock… and Snatch, which is fine with me because I love those movies. But obviously not as much as Simon Woods did during his featured review on IMDB. According to Simon, Snatch “is definitely the better choice than Save the Last Dance.” Say what you will about that being an insanely random and completely inappropriate comparison, but give him props for finding the gayest possible way to make one. It’s like saying making out with Marisa Miller is better than baking cupcakes in a pretty pink dress. Uhh, yeah Simon, we know.

Which totally just reminded me that I'm in love with Marisa Miller.

Jennifer Aniston is losing it

I’m unbelievably foxy. I’m also hilarious and the son of an oil baron, so none of my supermodel girlfriends have ever broken up with me. And that’s why I totally can’t relate to the mental breakdown Jennifer Anniston is having while watching her still-husband Brad Pitt span the globe in a sexy way with Angelina Jolie. But apparently it’s kind of killing her. And she hasn’t even seen them make out in Mr. And Mrs. Smith yet, in scenes so hot that the director is worried it will inspire boycotts. From something he calls “huge Jennifer Aniston fans”. I wouldn’t really worry about that, cause “huge Jennifer Aniston fans” means they probably watch Friends, which means they just barely don’t need to be lead around on a leash and are mostly guys downloading fake Courtney Cox nudes while sitting on a saddle dressed in a bra and panties or girls too busy dressing up their cat Colonel Mittens to put together any kind of coherent protest.

Christian Slater arrested for sexual harassment

Christian Slater was arrested early today on charges of sexual harassment as he drunkenly grabbed a woman's ass on the street. I don't know man, if being Christian Slater doesn't give you the right to grab a woman's ass on the street then all hope is lost. Seriously, we might as well just pack up our stuff and quit humanity now.

Demi and Ashton got married. Maybe.

Did Demi Moore get married to Ashton Kutcher over the weekend? The definitive answer is “… ummm … ”. But at least one source, the website Liquid Generation, seems pretty convinced they did.

“…Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were MARRIED last night, Saturday May 28, 2005 … in Ponte Vidra Beach, Florida. At a friend's mansion. It was transformed to look like a movie set. They brought in a huge winding staircase that Demi walked down. 250 Guests. Two restaurants did the catering: one of them was Medure Restaurant. The other was Matthew's at San Marco.”

It find it borderline impossible that 250 guests and the countless stoned employees of a catering company could keep this quiet for three days. Or why they would want to. There was another site saying they had conformation on the story as well, but I can’t find that one now. So just take my word on it. If fact, if you could do that with everything from now on, that would really help me out. Looking all this crap up is exhausting. But a quick wedding might be related to these pictures of Demi taken last Wednesday, where she may or may not be hiding her pregnant stomach. She should probaly carry two bags from now on so she can also hide her new giant ass. Honest to God, that anonymous dudes ass looks hotter then hers. Of course, he’s not sloping around like Bigfoot in 50 yards of denim and one of those god-damn trucker hats, so well done there Anonymous Dude. Call me.

Paris Hilton is engaged to Paris

People magazine is reporting that Paris Hilton is engaged to her boyfriend of five months Paris Latsis. I would make fun of the fact that Paris is engaged to Paris, but it's so obviously stupid that I'm not even going to try and top reality.

Latsis, 27, proposed on Wednesday, the day Hilton, 24, returned home to Los Angeles after a three-week trip to Europe, where she promoted her thriller House of Wax and her new fragrance.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Paris Hilton's life is like a damn TV show. Remember in Married With Children when Marcy got married to Jefferson and her name ended up being Marcy Darcy? Well this is exactly like that. It's the kind of thing so stupid that it only happens to fictional TV characters and Paris Hilton. I expect Paris' next move will be to move into the local supermarket and see how long she can live there before getting kicked out.

Jessica Alba is really hot

Ever heard of a little thing called Complex magazine? Yeah, me neither. Which is weird cause my penis and I were talking and, it turns out, Complex magazine is the greatest thing ever. At least based on these pictures they took of Jessica Alba. My penis did make some interesting points about how the shoot woulda been hotter if Alba had been naked, and even though I said, “Well, that’s true,” you have to understand that chicks getting naked is pretty much my penis’ answer to everything.

Ryan over on the great Gorilla Mask site has a few more pics from this shoot. Or, for a very very very NSFW but CIA level fake of Jess, you can click here. And I only put that up to mention that I totally don't condone that sort of thing.