Mary Kate's not from around here

It’s really disheartening when the readers are funnier than me. Mostly cause I get the feeling you guys aren’t even trying. But thanks to Jenny for pointing out pretty much the greatest thing ever. And by ‘thanks’, I mean ‘screw you’.

More Olsen fashion insanity here, thanks to Sara. I swear to God, If I were in the woods and I saw something like this walking around, I wouldn't even wait to roll down the window before I opened fire.

Ryan Phillipe can surf

For the record, Ryan Philippe was Mr. Parker. His associate was Mr. Longbaugh. And since the Way of the Gun is the greatest movie ever made, there’s absolutely no chance of me making fun of him. He could kick my grandmother into a tiger cage and I would just say, “Wow, you have really strong legs.” But at the same time, I’m all man, so please understand that these pictures of him surfing in Malibu Wednesday are only going up because we have a ton of girl readers and absolutely not because of those dreams I have where he rides up on his stallion named Jericho and rescues me from the evil dark knight. I mean, I don’t even have those dreams, so why don’t you just drop it.

Phillippe can currently be seen in Crash.

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Lindsay Lohan is still ridiculous

When not rising with the sun to do tai chi on an empty beach, I’m usually volunteering as a horse whisperer at the rescue that takes in abused and mistreated animals, helping to rebuild trust with the horses and ponies in faded jeans and a weathered cowboy hat, glistening in the sun with my shirt off. I’m obviously brooding and mysterious, and I can't really talk about why, but clearly I’m too deep to dwell on insane celebrities like Lindsay Lohan, so I’ll just say she looks like crap these days. Especially her hair. It doesn’t even look blond. It just looks like she went swimming all summer in a pool with too much chlorine.

Plenty more after the jump. If you're into this sort of thing. Sicko.

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Paris Hilton goes cheap

People.com is reporting that “a photo of Paris Hilton naked in a Hummer with nothing but her beloved dog perched in her lap sold for $46,000 at a London charity auction that raised $2 million for the Elton John AIDS Foundation … for a project called "Four Inches." The common theme in the photos for sale: naked female celebrities posing completely in the buff except for a pair of Jimmy Choo four-inch heels…”

There are some holes in any plan based on asking for money to see Paris Hilton naked. Cause she’s naked for free all the damn time. Even if you don’t want her naked for free, she won't stop getting naked for free. So you don’t really need 46,000 dollars to see some skin. You could work at an Arbys in Reseda and see her mounted a hundred different ways all you like for 20 dollars a month. Coke’d up bitches aren’t really my style, but hey, who am I to judge.

Anyway, I couldn’t find that Paris Hilton shot from the 4 Inches book, but here are some from the Nicky Hilton shoot, along with ones of Elle McPherson and Victoria Beckham, looking suspiciously different than she does in the pictures just below.

To contribute to the Elton John AIDS Foundation, please click here. Unless you're a big fan of AIDS or something.

thanks to sexy reader Ruth for the link

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Victoria Beckham is topless

I don’t even know why I bother to put on camouflage and paint my face and put those twigs in my hat when I hunt interact with celebrities. Cause this guy just kinda crouched behind that stone dog. About 20 feet away. And he got topless pictures of Posh Spice. But Posh and Becks are so self consumed, he probably didn’t even have to put down his ice cream sandwiches and Yoo-Hoo's. In fact, the photographer could have been a 40 foot gorilla on fire and they probably wouldn’t have noticed for at least an hour.

NSFW pictures after the jump.

Thanks to the hot and alluring Jenny for the links.

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Jessica Simpson seems pretty pissed

From People.com : “Leaving a Hollywood recording studio Tuesday night, Jessica Simpson puts her engagement ring and wedding band on full display.”

The picture below is definitive proof that Jessica … uhh … hasn’t sold her wedding ring, but it might not quiet those rumors that she and husband Nick Lachey are having problems. Or the rumors that she strayed with Johnny Knoxville. Or answer those questions the scientific community has about wormholes and the fabric of time and space. I broke through one time but still had to watch helplessly as President Lincoln was assassinated. But then I introduced Bob Saget to Charlemagne. So that was cool.

I rarely have any idea what the hell I’m talking about, by the way.

Angelina Jolie talks Brad Pitt

Angelina Jolie has addressed her relationship with Brad Pitt publicly for the first time on the show Inside the Actors Studio, set to air in America on June 5. Jolie talks about their experience on Mr. And Mrs. Smith and her affection for Pitt. She says "We became very competitive, aggressive. Everything escalated into these huge fight scenes. It was great to work with him. He's a great actor. He's also a really great guy. I didn't know what to expect in meeting him. He's extremely down to earth, goofy and funny and very good."

I still have one of those original Tomb Raider movie posters with Angelina in the black shorts. And since that's about the same time I was going through puberty, that thing has more sentimental value than my parents. And not just cause of the long braids and fake breasts they gave her, but because her ass is so hard I heard it brought a teenager with cancer back to life one time. True story.

Jessica Alba works for free

According to a report on IMDB, “Jessica Alba has displayed her generous side at the Cannes Film Festival by offering her acting talents for free - to raise money for AIDS charity Amfar … Alba caused the greatest stir by vowing to star unpaid in one of Bob Weinsteins movies, if he agreed to bid $100,000 for tennis lessons with sports stars Monica Seles and Boris Becker. Weinstein was happy to honour Alba's proposal…”

I have little to no idea what any of this means. It seems like Alba could have gotten a lot more than 100 grand out of Weinstein if that was supposed to be in lieu of her salary. She must really really hate little kids with AIDS. So that’s weird. And I sure as hell don’t understand why anyone would pay 100 grand to get yelled at by an angry temperamental German on the tennis court, so I’m only putting this up as an excuse to post the pictures of Jess with her new short haircut. And her getting felt up by Brittany Murphy. Also pictured: Jessica loving it. Not pictured: Me defiling my bunny slippers. And if you think you're surprised by this, check out the guy in the hat. Man, he can't believe it!

E! has apologized

E! printed a retraction late last night to their story claiming that Jessica Simpson had filed for divorce from Nick Lachey. The statement read as follows:

“E! deeply regrets that a draft report from E! Online, which contained some false information regarding the Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson marriage, was accidentally disseminated. The couple has not filed for divorce. E! apologizes to Nick, Jessica, their family and their fans for any distress this may have caused.”

Far be it for me to live in the past, but someone should remind E! that what they “accidentally disseminated” was a thousand word report complete with pictures and links and the words “E! has confirmed that Simpson filed for divorce Tuesday in Los Angeles Superior Court, citing irreconcilable differences…” That’s kind of a big deal. Not like that time I got those girls pregnant at the OC cast party. Hey man, it’s their problem now. High Five!