Jessica Alba works for free

According to a report on IMDB, “Jessica Alba has displayed her generous side at the Cannes Film Festival by offering her acting talents for free - to raise money for AIDS charity Amfar … Alba caused the greatest stir by vowing to star unpaid in one of Bob Weinsteins movies, if he agreed to bid $100,000 for tennis lessons with sports stars Monica Seles and Boris Becker. Weinstein was happy to honour Alba's proposal…”

I have little to no idea what any of this means. It seems like Alba could have gotten a lot more than 100 grand out of Weinstein if that was supposed to be in lieu of her salary. She must really really hate little kids with AIDS. So that’s weird. And I sure as hell don’t understand why anyone would pay 100 grand to get yelled at by an angry temperamental German on the tennis court, so I’m only putting this up as an excuse to post the pictures of Jess with her new short haircut. And her getting felt up by Brittany Murphy. Also pictured: Jessica loving it. Not pictured: Me defiling my bunny slippers. And if you think you're surprised by this, check out the guy in the hat. Man, he can't believe it!

E! has apologized

E! printed a retraction late last night to their story claiming that Jessica Simpson had filed for divorce from Nick Lachey. The statement read as follows:

“E! deeply regrets that a draft report from E! Online, which contained some false information regarding the Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson marriage, was accidentally disseminated. The couple has not filed for divorce. E! apologizes to Nick, Jessica, their family and their fans for any distress this may have caused.”

Far be it for me to live in the past, but someone should remind E! that what they “accidentally disseminated” was a thousand word report complete with pictures and links and the words “E! has confirmed that Simpson filed for divorce Tuesday in Los Angeles Superior Court, citing irreconcilable differences…” That’s kind of a big deal. Not like that time I got those girls pregnant at the OC cast party. Hey man, it’s their problem now. High Five!

'Entourage' begins second season

Media hype for the second season of the worlds least relatable show - HBO’s Entourage - has begun, with the “comedy” set to open year 2 on June 5. God as my witness, if I read one more empty headed review where I’m told that watching this show is just like hanging out with my friends, I’m going to the roof with a bottle of SoCo, an AK and extra clips. Yeah, that show really brings me back to that time me and my buddies banged a bunch of Playmates while eating lobster in my Olympic size pool in my Hollywood mansion. Oh, wait, which time?

The three leads are likable enough, I guess. And Samarie Armstrong is cute, although it’s hard to tell by the pictures below. None of which changes the fact that I’d rather watch a video of a colonoscopy in my cancerous anus then another episode of that show. Probably laugh more too.

Jessica Simpson has filed for divorce

Nick Lachey came one step closer to selling oranges on the side of the freeway today, as Jessica Simpson has filed for divorce. E! Online “has confirmed that Simpson filed for divorce Tuesday in Los Angeles Superior Court, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for the end of her two-and-a-half-year marriage to Lachey.”

This comes after months of rumors that Jessica has strayed with Johnny Knoxville among others, but just one day after their televised USO concert and just a few hours since these pictures of the couple on a trip to Hawaii surfaced. This should be wildly unsurprising. I'm an accredited body language expert, and Jessica doesn’t look real thrilled to be getting this kiss from Nick. Which is hard to believe, cause he was in 98 Degrees ya know. Oh, that’s right, 98 Degrees.

Much love to Allie for the quick heads-up. More pictures after the jump.

update - Well it took about 30 seconds for E! to pull the story off their website, but the quote above is verbatim from their previous post. More updates as they come.

sexy new update - US Online is now reporting that E! was forced to pull their story after a denial and a threat by Simpson. "It is completely false and we would sue them if they hadn't taken it down," said Simpson. Here is a screencap of the story that E! was reporting just 30 minutes ago. Damn you Allie!

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Tom Cruise loves Kate. No, the other one.

This won’t really help the public sentiment that the Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise romance is just for show, but a report in the New York Daily News asks the question, “Was Katie Holmes Tom Cruise's top choice for arm candy? One rumor doing the Hollywood Hills cocktail circuit is that young Miss Holmes was not the first photogenic virgin-type to be auditioned for the part of the girlfriend. "Before Katie, he was interested in Kate Bosworth," says a snitch. But the actress, who is Orlando Bloom's on-and-off gal pal, apparently did not reciprocate the feelings.”

I've always been a little worried that the red-hot primal sexuality I’m packin would be a deal breaker to the torrid affair between me and Kate Bosworth. She’s been dating that little weenie Orlando Bloom for so long, a Cadillac of men like myself might be a little intimidating. And if Tom Cruise was too much for her, I may have to tone things down. Normally I dress like Patton, with an ivory handled pistol and riding chaps, randomly calling people ‘yella’ and ordering them back to the front, but I may just go with a more romantic cape and sword outfit from now on.

Hayden Christensen is pretty cool

According to a report in Glamour UK, Revenge of the Sith star Hayden Christensen may be ready to walk away from Hollywood to study architecture. “I don't find Hollywood interesting, so I'm thinking about studying architecture instead," explains Hayden. "A film is a product and as an actor you can only sell it if you sell yourself. You don't get to sit at the table before you're ready to give away your integrity. Maybe it works for Orlando Bloom. It doesn't work for me."

It’s obviously totally awesome that Hayden would take a shot out of nowhere on the sexually ambiguous and confusingly popular Orlando Bloom, but Hayden better realize that most architects don’t get to punch the kitty of Eva Longoria. Trust me. Based on my Lego version of Krista Allen, I’m a highly advanced architect, and Eva has yet to have sex with me. Even though I waited outside her house for hours one time. Until the cops arrived and told me to put my shirt back on. And that I better get a mop and clean that up.

Katie Holmes in Mission Impossible 3

Dark Horizons is reporting that “Tom Cruise's new girlfriend Katie Holmes is being tipped to play the actor's love interest in the third installment of ‘Mission Impossible‘. Scarlett Johansson was previously attached to an earlier script version, and this week teen actress Lindsay Lohan said she was very keen on grabbing the part. Now, according to the New York Post - insiders say the ‘Batman Begins’ and ‘Dawson's Creek’ star "will step up as the leading lady."

It’s always a solid idea to make plans for a year from now with a girl you’ve dated for ten minutes, and I highly recommend it. Cause, you know, what could possibly go wrong? In other news, didn’t Katie Holmes used to have a great rack? And not be pregnant? Oooo, this site's provocative!

update - Those questions were rhetorical by the way. Katie absolutely used to have a great rack - (NSFW proof). I swear it becomes more clear to me everyday that I have absolutely no idea how the female body works.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie hold hands

The Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt issue hasn't officially been resolved yet, but here are some pictures that should finalize the argument. I don't know about you, but if I'm married and am going to hold another woman's hand in public, you better believe I'm also going to be having crazy animal sex with her. There's very little chance I'd ruin a marriage to Jennifer Aniston by holding another woman's hand without at least getting something to show for it. But that's just me. I'm picky about the way I ruin my marriages. Although there was that one time Dustin Diamond approached me while I was drunk at Cinespace. Boy, was that a mistake I'll only make twice.

*Edit: Yes, obviously they're on set. It's only interesting because the cameras don't seem to actually be on them.

Paris Hilton crashes server

Paris Hilton's car wash ad was so successful that it crashed Carl's Jr's site for four hours. I guess perverts were too excited to see the 60-second version of the commercial which is only available online. And who can blame them, because watching a giant insect wash cars and eat hamburgers is pretty high on my list of sexual fantasies. Right up there with seeing a lion mutilate a horde of fighting midgets.

"It was a mixed blessing," Carl's Jr.'s executive vice president of marketing, Brad Haley, said in a statement. "It turned out that Paris was too hot for our servers."

But it turns out my foot isn't too hot to kick his ass for making such a terrible "too hot" reference. I hope somebody punched this Brad Haley in the face or fired him for saying something so ridiculously lame.