Katie Holmes in Mission Impossible 3

Dark Horizons is reporting that “Tom Cruise's new girlfriend Katie Holmes is being tipped to play the actor's love interest in the third installment of ‘Mission Impossible‘. Scarlett Johansson was previously attached to an earlier script version, and this week teen actress Lindsay Lohan said she was very keen on grabbing the part. Now, according to the New York Post - insiders say the ‘Batman Begins’ and ‘Dawson's Creek’ star "will step up as the leading lady."

It’s always a solid idea to make plans for a year from now with a girl you’ve dated for ten minutes, and I highly recommend it. Cause, you know, what could possibly go wrong? In other news, didn’t Katie Holmes used to have a great rack? And not be pregnant? Oooo, this site's provocative!

update - Those questions were rhetorical by the way. Katie absolutely used to have a great rack - (NSFW proof). I swear it becomes more clear to me everyday that I have absolutely no idea how the female body works.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie hold hands

The Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt issue hasn't officially been resolved yet, but here are some pictures that should finalize the argument. I don't know about you, but if I'm married and am going to hold another woman's hand in public, you better believe I'm also going to be having crazy animal sex with her. There's very little chance I'd ruin a marriage to Jennifer Aniston by holding another woman's hand without at least getting something to show for it. But that's just me. I'm picky about the way I ruin my marriages. Although there was that one time Dustin Diamond approached me while I was drunk at Cinespace. Boy, was that a mistake I'll only make twice.

*Edit: Yes, obviously they're on set. It's only interesting because the cameras don't seem to actually be on them.

Paris Hilton crashes server

Paris Hilton's car wash ad was so successful that it crashed Carl's Jr's site for four hours. I guess perverts were too excited to see the 60-second version of the commercial which is only available online. And who can blame them, because watching a giant insect wash cars and eat hamburgers is pretty high on my list of sexual fantasies. Right up there with seeing a lion mutilate a horde of fighting midgets.

"It was a mixed blessing," Carl's Jr.'s executive vice president of marketing, Brad Haley, said in a statement. "It turned out that Paris was too hot for our servers."

But it turns out my foot isn't too hot to kick his ass for making such a terrible "too hot" reference. I hope somebody punched this Brad Haley in the face or fired him for saying something so ridiculously lame.

Christina Aguilera is nice

Two years ago, Christina Aguilera was a tubby brunette mess mostly famous for videos that looked a lot like one of those interracial gangbang pornos that I’ve never downloaded. But now she's the only sane voice in pop music, which I guess is kind of cool, regardless of how pathetically low that bar may be. It’s like winning “Cutest Necrophiliac.” It ain't much, but, hey man, you won!

Oh, uhh, I should probably mention the point to all this, and it’s that Christina donated a few dozen micro chip ID scanners to humane societies in her hometown of Wexford, a suburb northwest of Pittsburgh. Meanwhile, Britney burned down an orphanage while cackling maniacally and J.Lo released a migrant worker in the woods so she could hunt the deadliest prey of all … MAN! (cue dramatic "Dun-Dun-Dun" music)

Thanks to Fonso for the link. And please tell me it's okay that these Mickey Mouse pictures give me a raging hard on.

Billy Zane really does want to be President

I realize this was already covered in our post Saturday but the sheer insanity of the idea demanded a follow-up in the desperate hope that maybe we just misread the initial reports. Umm … we didn’t. Several outlets ran the story, including Sky News and Ananova :

"Billy (Zane) has decided that he rather fancies being the US President - and wants Kelly (Brook) by his side in the White House. An exec on Billy's new movie … told the Daily Mirror … ‘When he first discussed standing for President, everyone thought Billy was having a laugh. But he explained that he'd looked into funding.’"

I’ve said some fairly remarkable stuff while trying to trick girls, but it’s usually unprovable stuff like I’m a top secret rocket ship pilot or I invented the panda bear. Or, yeah, you’re so right, Crissy is a bitch and she totally wants to keep you from making the squad. But promising to make a girl the most powerful woman on earth seems a tad ambitious, I don’t care how big her tits are. Actually … umm, that’s not true. I very much do care how big her tits are.

Time Magazine's 100 best movies

There’s about a billion reasons to hate movie critics, but lists like this are as good a reason as any. No Shawshank or Braveheart, no Fight Club or Heat, no Usual Suspects or Way of the Gun, just a bunch of insane Wicca art house ramblings and French socialist propaganda. I haven’t seen most of these because I was negative 80 years old when they came out and my Blockbuster doesn’t have a time machine, but I’m pretty sure they’re all crap because the same people who say they like movies like this will also tell you that a teddy bear stuffed with dogshit is the only true art, and screw you if you're too uncivilized to understand that.

Note - Okay, fine, I’m the only one who likes the Way of the Gun.

Billy Zane wants to be President

My brain and it’s powerful Aristotelian logic can't even begin to wrap itself around the crazy world that would elect Billy Zane President, but once again my penis proves who's boss and endorsees this since it would mean Kelly Brook would be First Lady. Leading to an unprecedented amount of masturbating at government press conferences. Unless you count the 70’s style orgies that break out every time Secretary of Transportation and of My Heart Norman Mineta steps behind a podium. Man, that guy is dreamy!

And for no reason whatsoever, some nekkid stuff after the jump.

Continue Reading

Nobody watches Britney Spears 'Chaotic'

The only rewarding part of seeing drunk hillbillies stumble into undeserved wealth is that they think millions of dollars just kinda shows up when you wish upon a rainbow. Based on the Economics degree I don’t have, that’s not how it works at all. Two years ago, her anus was every 15 year old boys secret playground and the cash just magically piled up. Now she’s a trampy drunken lump and it’s all about to go away. And she has no idea. It’s like watching someone read a paper as they walk down the street with their nuts perfectly aligned with that parking meter that aint movin. The latest in the long list of obvious signs that the end is near comes from the just released ratings of her reality show Chaotic. Reality TV World has the story:

"…the show's one-hour premiere proved to be a largely buzzless bust for the network, with its Tuesday, May 17 9-10PM ET/PT broadcast averaging only 3.66 million viewers, a 1.9/5 rating/share in the Adults 18-49 demographic, and a 2.7/7 rating/share in Adults 18-34."

There’s a very funny and brilliantly scathing review of the show here. And don’t punch your monitor after looking at these Ferrari pictures. It's just another hundred grand that's never coming back. And since the pregnant woman doesn’t have a seat belt on, with any luck some kind of criminal charges are on their way.

Avril Lavigne is drunk

According to the unbelievably great Star magazine, friends of Avril Lavigne have begun to worry after witnessing her endless drunken antics first hand:

“One source who has known the singer since her childhood … tells Star that she appears to be in a downward spiral. "Avril's drinking is getting worse and worse. She's always liked to party but recently all she wants to do is get drunk. And when she gets drunk she wants to fight and cause trouble. She's turning into a nightmare!"’

Avril is 5’3”, maybe a hundred pounds, so I don’t know how much trouble she could really stir up. One good punch should tuck her in for the night. My extensive study of drunk suburban white girls has taught me that they’re unlikely to morph into a bionic fighting tiger and extremely likely to curl up on the curb and vomit. So the only trouble would be for the curb. And since I tripped on a curb the other night and then fell down in a comedic way, I have no problem seeing those smart-asses taken down a peg.