Paris Hilton crashes server

Paris Hilton's car wash ad was so successful that it crashed Carl's Jr's site for four hours. I guess perverts were too excited to see the 60-second version of the commercial which is only available online. And who can blame them, because watching a giant insect wash cars and eat hamburgers is pretty high on my list of sexual fantasies. Right up there with seeing a lion mutilate a horde of fighting midgets.

"It was a mixed blessing," Carl's Jr.'s executive vice president of marketing, Brad Haley, said in a statement. "It turned out that Paris was too hot for our servers."

But it turns out my foot isn't too hot to kick his ass for making such a terrible "too hot" reference. I hope somebody punched this Brad Haley in the face or fired him for saying something so ridiculously lame.

Christina Aguilera is nice

Two years ago, Christina Aguilera was a tubby brunette mess mostly famous for videos that looked a lot like one of those interracial gangbang pornos that I’ve never downloaded. But now she's the only sane voice in pop music, which I guess is kind of cool, regardless of how pathetically low that bar may be. It’s like winning “Cutest Necrophiliac.” It ain't much, but, hey man, you won!

Oh, uhh, I should probably mention the point to all this, and it’s that Christina donated a few dozen micro chip ID scanners to humane societies in her hometown of Wexford, a suburb northwest of Pittsburgh. Meanwhile, Britney burned down an orphanage while cackling maniacally and J.Lo released a migrant worker in the woods so she could hunt the deadliest prey of all … MAN! (cue dramatic "Dun-Dun-Dun" music)

Thanks to Fonso for the link. And please tell me it's okay that these Mickey Mouse pictures give me a raging hard on.

Billy Zane really does want to be President

I realize this was already covered in our post Saturday but the sheer insanity of the idea demanded a follow-up in the desperate hope that maybe we just misread the initial reports. Umm … we didn’t. Several outlets ran the story, including Sky News and Ananova :

"Billy (Zane) has decided that he rather fancies being the US President - and wants Kelly (Brook) by his side in the White House. An exec on Billy's new movie … told the Daily Mirror … ‘When he first discussed standing for President, everyone thought Billy was having a laugh. But he explained that he'd looked into funding.’"

I’ve said some fairly remarkable stuff while trying to trick girls, but it’s usually unprovable stuff like I’m a top secret rocket ship pilot or I invented the panda bear. Or, yeah, you’re so right, Crissy is a bitch and she totally wants to keep you from making the squad. But promising to make a girl the most powerful woman on earth seems a tad ambitious, I don’t care how big her tits are. Actually … umm, that’s not true. I very much do care how big her tits are.

Time Magazine's 100 best movies

There’s about a billion reasons to hate movie critics, but lists like this are as good a reason as any. No Shawshank or Braveheart, no Fight Club or Heat, no Usual Suspects or Way of the Gun, just a bunch of insane Wicca art house ramblings and French socialist propaganda. I haven’t seen most of these because I was negative 80 years old when they came out and my Blockbuster doesn’t have a time machine, but I’m pretty sure they’re all crap because the same people who say they like movies like this will also tell you that a teddy bear stuffed with dogshit is the only true art, and screw you if you're too uncivilized to understand that.

Note - Okay, fine, I’m the only one who likes the Way of the Gun.

Billy Zane wants to be President

My brain and it’s powerful Aristotelian logic can't even begin to wrap itself around the crazy world that would elect Billy Zane President, but once again my penis proves who's boss and endorsees this since it would mean Kelly Brook would be First Lady. Leading to an unprecedented amount of masturbating at government press conferences. Unless you count the 70’s style orgies that break out every time Secretary of Transportation and of My Heart Norman Mineta steps behind a podium. Man, that guy is dreamy!

And for no reason whatsoever, some nekkid stuff after the jump.

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Nobody watches Britney Spears 'Chaotic'

The only rewarding part of seeing drunk hillbillies stumble into undeserved wealth is that they think millions of dollars just kinda shows up when you wish upon a rainbow. Based on the Economics degree I don’t have, that’s not how it works at all. Two years ago, her anus was every 15 year old boys secret playground and the cash just magically piled up. Now she’s a trampy drunken lump and it’s all about to go away. And she has no idea. It’s like watching someone read a paper as they walk down the street with their nuts perfectly aligned with that parking meter that aint movin. The latest in the long list of obvious signs that the end is near comes from the just released ratings of her reality show Chaotic. Reality TV World has the story:

"…the show's one-hour premiere proved to be a largely buzzless bust for the network, with its Tuesday, May 17 9-10PM ET/PT broadcast averaging only 3.66 million viewers, a 1.9/5 rating/share in the Adults 18-49 demographic, and a 2.7/7 rating/share in Adults 18-34."

There’s a very funny and brilliantly scathing review of the show here. And don’t punch your monitor after looking at these Ferrari pictures. It's just another hundred grand that's never coming back. And since the pregnant woman doesn’t have a seat belt on, with any luck some kind of criminal charges are on their way.

Avril Lavigne is drunk

According to the unbelievably great Star magazine, friends of Avril Lavigne have begun to worry after witnessing her endless drunken antics first hand:

“One source who has known the singer since her childhood … tells Star that she appears to be in a downward spiral. "Avril's drinking is getting worse and worse. She's always liked to party but recently all she wants to do is get drunk. And when she gets drunk she wants to fight and cause trouble. She's turning into a nightmare!"’

Avril is 5’3”, maybe a hundred pounds, so I don’t know how much trouble she could really stir up. One good punch should tuck her in for the night. My extensive study of drunk suburban white girls has taught me that they’re unlikely to morph into a bionic fighting tiger and extremely likely to curl up on the curb and vomit. So the only trouble would be for the curb. And since I tripped on a curb the other night and then fell down in a comedic way, I have no problem seeing those smart-asses taken down a peg.

'War of the Worlds' has a third trailer

Moviefone is exclusively hosting the last trailer for this summer's War of the Worlds, directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Tom Cruise, and it looks pretty damn great. If you don’t know the basic story, Moviefone has a description:

"When (Cruise’s) small-town existence is shaken violently by the arrival of Martians bent on sending Earth into oblivion, he must come to the defense of his children, overcoming an even more potent enemy -- the demons that lurk within."

Actually, go ahead and ignore that description, because it's pretty damn dumb. I've been known to masturbate at inappropriate times, but never so hard that my ‘demon within’ flipped over a ferry filled with cars or incinerated an overpass. And I’ve really had at myself a few times. Like that quiet time in my bedroom. Except replace the word “quiet” with “drunk” and “bedroom” with “Taco Bell drive-thru”. It was such a buzz-kill when that cock-blocker behind the counter knocked on my window and said, “Sir … you can’t do that here.” That’s not how my fantasy went at all.

Jennifer Lopez is classy and gorgeous

“Jennifer Lopez shocked fans … this weekend when she wore a T-shirt bearing the words "Fuck It!". The diva stunned concert organizers with the crass slogan on a black cropped-top at the eighth annual Wango Tango pop festival in California on Saturday.”

J.Lo’s charming contempt for the parents who paid for their 12 year old girls to make up the audience at Wango Tango is obviously delightful, but it doesn’t quite explain the rest of this outfit. Or why she’s sweatin like an Alabama mule. And there’s a homeless woman down the street from me who has an artificial eye that’s actually just a ping-pong ball that she drew on with a sharpie, and I’ve seen her eat a cigarette off the ground and chase a cat - probably for dinner - but I’ve never seen her go out with her hair looking as bad as that mystery on top of J.Los head. Never hire a beaver as a hairstylist, I don't care how charming he is during the interview.