Natalie Portman still shaved

Natalie Portman looked confusingly hot in that first picture with her new shaved head, but these pictures don’t really back that up. Now she looks like some kind of sexy killing machine from the future. Based on my extensive knowledge of sexy killing machine from the future movies, I’m forced to report that the real Natalie Portman has been dead for some time. Happily, that improves my chance of having sex with her. There are no pictures of her arriving at this event riding on the back of some mutated super-lizard and whipping it to make it heel, but I think it’s pretty obvious that she did.

Dave Chapelle is talking

It seems something new breaks everyday about the Dave Chapelle meltdown. Friday the LA Times ran a story that said Chapelle quit his Comedy Central show and then went into hiding in South Africa, which makes a lot more sense than the original reports that the network put the show on hiatus and then Dave went nuts, even checking into a mental-health facility. Now, in an article due to hit newsstands tomorrow, Time Magazine is reporting that Dave is not in an institution at all, but staying with a friend in an attempt to find a quiet place. "Let me tell you the things I can do here which I can't at home: think, eat, sleep, laugh,” said Chapelle. “I'm an introspective dude. I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes. And I've been doing a lot of thinking here." Keep in mind that Dave lives on a farm in Ohio, so things must be bad if being a black guy in South Africa is more relaxing than rolling around on your piles of money in Ohio with only sheep and ducks to judge you. And before anyone in South Africa gets upset at my awesome level of nationalism, hey man, that’s just how I bring it.

VIDEO: Sophie Marceau nipple slip at Cannes

Sophie Marceau had herself a bit of a wardrobe malfunction when her dress fell off to reveal her entire left breast while she was being interviewed at Cannes. It's kind of sad that a classically beautiful woman like Sophie Marceau had to go through the same sort of embarrassment that a whorish alcoholic like Tara Reid had to go through, but at least Sophie has normal looking nipples whereas Tara Reid's nipples look like they were born in Hell itself. Seriously, I've seen cancerous growths that have looked more appealing than Tara's boobs.

Obviously NSFW video after the jump.

*Update: In the 0.2 seconds that her breast was exposed, photographers still managed to get a couple of shots in. NSFW images after the jump and under the video.

**Update: The video has been removed to save the site from being completely crushed. You can view a mirror here.

Continue Reading

Lindsay Lohan still too fat

From the New York Daily News : “Lindsay Lohan has gone from "Mean Girl" to "Lean Girl" in the blink of an eye. The teen screen queen shot to stardom on her wholesome good looks: red hair, freckles and a curvy figure. But these days the 18-year-old bottle blond looks more like a third Olsen twin with twiggy arms, jutting hips and a shrinking bosom. Lohan’s dramatic weight loss over the last year had already sparked talk of a possible eating disorder…”

(The Superficial puts its hands in its pockets, whistles and stares at the ceiling. But would this be a bad time to mention that delusions brought on by malnutrition and week long coke binges is no excuse for aqua-blue shoes with a bright red dress. Even the homeless guy down the street knows to just stick with earth tones if you don’t have any fashion sense, and he drinks his own urine.)

Jet Li is Danny the Dog

If anyone needs me today, I’ll be standing in line for Unleashed. So if you see anyone today and they’re not standing in line for Unleashed, that’s not me. I’ll be the one mocking the virgins in line for Star Wars and shooting flaming arrows at the fatties in line for ‘Monster in Law.’ And to get psyched for Unleashed, you should check out the Massive Attack video over on Quicktime. There’s a shot (at the 37 second mark, yellow background, right after a guy falls on the roof of a car) where Li grabs a dude by his collar and throws him to the ground so hard, that dude is absolutely dead. Or lying in a pool of his own sweat and urine praying to die.

None of this has really been newsworthy, so I’ll just mention that Li has faced some criticism for this from fans who thought it was demeaning for Li to be treated like a dog. "They thought it was…" and Li consults an interpreter for the precise word "…insulting because Jet Li is the hero for the Chinese. Why does he have a collar on? Why is he stepped on by white people?" You can read the full story from the New York Daily News here.

Wilmer Valderrama is “El Muerto”

‘El Muerto’ is more than just the home of the 3-pound burrito, it’s also a comic book about a man who dies on the Mexican holiday the Day of the Dead, only to be resurrected one year later, by the Aztec Gods of Death and Destiny, with supernatural powers. And now it’s a movie. And it stars Fez. As El Muerto. As a zombie with supernatural revenge powers. Fez. Im gonna go out on a limb and suggest that, if you need Fez to come avenge you, you’re kinda screwed. Just make your peace and deal with it. Hell, I wouldn't want him to save me, and I have no pride whatsoever. I got rescued by a little grey kitten one time after a panic attack cause a bumblebee flew right past my ear, and those press conferences where the kitten got the key to the city on the courthouse steps still left me with more dignity than if I ever had to thank Fez for anything.

Thanks to the great movie website JoBlo for a picture of the greatest movie poster you’ll ever see.

Paris Hilton hates reading

According to Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton threw a tantrum in a restaurant because nobody would read the menu to her. Paris Hilton has to be the most entertaining individual in the world. She pulls the kind of crap that you would expect to see in a TV show, except it's her real life. I'm sort of hoping that she'll just lose her mind one day and start riding on the backs of servants instead of driving a car. She could even have a whip and yell things like "Faster! I'm going to be late for my important meeting!" Man, that would be so funny to watch.

"Last time I met her we were in a restaurant together - she slammed the menu down and screamed, 'I hate reading! Someone tell me what's on the menu!' I mean, I'm blonde but c'mon."

Mena Suvari gets a divorce

Remember that Mena Suvari chick from American Pie and American Beauty? Yeah me neither. Well turns out she just got a divorce, though I don't think anybody in the world even knew she was married. Or cared. Seriously, I haven't seen or thought about this woman in the past five years or something. I'm not really even sure why I'm typing this crap because I care so little about her. And what's with her and starring in movies with 'American' in the title? I bet the next movie she comes out with is The American American in America. Actually that would probably be a pretty sweet movie.

The actress, who married at just 21, has cited irreconcilable differences with cinematographer husband Robert Brinkmann.

Cameron Diaz and Shane Nickerson still huggy

See that picture to the right? That's pretty much the extent of the whole Cameron Diaz, Shane Nickerson make-out session. Pretty damning evidence isn't it? Judging by the bushes and the back of the head and the inability to see anything, I think it's fair to assume that those two have their tongues in each others' mouths. You can see more from the set at TimberlakeStyle though I seriously doubt you would want to. They're all the same and mind-numbingly boring. Thanks to Jennifer for the heads up.