Mena Suvari gets a divorce

Remember that Mena Suvari chick from American Pie and American Beauty? Yeah me neither. Well turns out she just got a divorce, though I don't think anybody in the world even knew she was married. Or cared. Seriously, I haven't seen or thought about this woman in the past five years or something. I'm not really even sure why I'm typing this crap because I care so little about her. And what's with her and starring in movies with 'American' in the title? I bet the next movie she comes out with is The American American in America. Actually that would probably be a pretty sweet movie.

The actress, who married at just 21, has cited irreconcilable differences with cinematographer husband Robert Brinkmann.

Cameron Diaz and Shane Nickerson still huggy

See that picture to the right? That's pretty much the extent of the whole Cameron Diaz, Shane Nickerson make-out session. Pretty damning evidence isn't it? Judging by the bushes and the back of the head and the inability to see anything, I think it's fair to assume that those two have their tongues in each others' mouths. You can see more from the set at TimberlakeStyle though I seriously doubt you would want to. They're all the same and mind-numbingly boring. Thanks to Jennifer for the heads up.

Jennifer Lopez is mean and can't sing

The New York Daily News is reporting that “Sony Music … hired acclaimed movie-maker D.A. Pennebaker to film a behind-the-scenes documentary about the making of Jennifer Lopez's CD ‘Rebirth.’ Sources say Sony execs were thrilled with his film, but that J.Lo hated the sound of her voice and ‘scenes showing her abusing her employees.’ Thus, the project was scrapped…”

I don’t know what madman thought this up. Of course the footage was gonna be of her singing badly and yelling at her underpaid staff. It’s J.Lo. This is like wearing meat-pants into a tiger cage and then wondering what that lip-smacking sound is. My great hope is that the footage still makes it out somehow. Jenny From The Block will probably squash it, but still keep the film canisters around the mansion to frisbee across the room at her staff as a lesson if they don’t fold her giant underwear in that extra fancy way.

Rachel Bilson is a sandwich artist

Found these last night, stills from a Subway commercial that mark the humble career beginnings of OC star Rachel Bilson. I should probably make fun of her for this, but at least she got a commercial. I blew Jared and all I got was a couple punches on my sub club card. Although, now that I think about it, the tool to punch the card was just a screwdriver. That he kept on the ground. At the truckstop. And then he kept ruining my concentration and asking truckers if they wanted to “party”. And then he wouldn’t stop laughing after I was done and insisted his name wasn’t Jared. And then he stole my sub club card.

Celebrities are so eccentric. Anyway, here are those Bilson pics. I’m gonna go shove my face in a pillow now and scream for a few hours.

From that to this. And all I got was lockjaw.

Cameron Diaz and Shane Nickerson get huggy

The National Enquirer is reporting that Cameron Diaz cheated on Justin Timberlake with some guy named Shane Nickerson who she works with on the MTV show Trippin'. The story revolves around a grainy photo of Cameron and Shane hugging and I don't know how that turned into a "three minute make-out session" but considering the source is The National Enquirer, I'm surprised they didn't say something like "Cameron Diaz has three-way anal sex in public with Shane Nickerson and a koala bear." That said, Shane Nickerson actually has a blog of his own where he denies everything and talks about how The National Enquirer even showed up at his door to confront him about the picture.

Here's the other thing: It's such a ludicrous story, that there was never a moment from her of "Is this true?" In fact, I told my wife, "One of the reasons this is so stupid is because you know that if I was hooking up with CD you'd have been the first one I high-fived." She laughed because she knows me. If The National Enquirer knew me at all, they'd have saved whatever money they paid for this supposed picture.

The most surprising thing about this whole story is that The National Enquirer actually sends out reporters to do reporting-like stuff. Like with sources and everything. Crazy!

Lindsay Lohan is flat

The young people of today seem to think that enormous implants are just some kind of teenage fad, like trying pot or a ‘Hello Kitty’ backpack. And Lindsay Lohan definitely seems to think that based on this picture taken last Friday, because this is not the same rack she had a few months ago, and absolutely not the same rack she had a year ago. Maybe she got tired of being known as the drunk red-head with the huge chest, but going blond and flat isn’t really going to change her image. That would be like putting a little yellow hat on a grizzly and then expecting it to hand out hugs. Of course none of that explains why she walks around Rodeo Drive dressed like she just got done mowing the lawn. Or why there seems to be blood under her left front tire.

Natalie Portman is shaved

Natalie Portman has shaved her head for her role in the upcoming V for Vendetta. “Some people will think I’m a neo-Nazi,” Portman said. “Or that I have cancer or I’m a lesbian … I cant stop rubbing my head, its so soft. I might keep it for a while.”

I have no idea what V for Vendetta is, but hopefully it’s about Natalie’s tongue taking a heartwarming journey to the back of my throat. Girls always always always always always always always always look better with long hair, but she does look kinda hot here. Before she looked too pristine, now she looks kinda crazy, like she’d call you a fag if you couldn’t make her cum twice. Oh, and, nice shot at lesbians there, by the way Natalie. I’m sure they’ll enjoy being lumped in with racist skinheads and the terminally ill.

Thanks to John - his name might be John. The email wasn’t real clear. He might just go to prostitutes a lot - for the link.

Ashton Kutcher is too fast

From British Glamour : Demi Moore is going to be in big trouble with Ashton Kutcher after she privately confessed she finds him a little "fast" in bed…”

God invented the word MILF because of Demi Moore, so Ashton Kutcher has no excuse to not have week long sex with her. Or maybe he really does need Viagra. Or maybe he’s just a dandy who would rather snuggle at a picnic, but he can do that when I’m done acting out that sexy cat-burglar fantasy I keep having about her. I know her breasts aren’t real, and I know I couldn’t care less. They’re real on the outside, and that’s really the only part I’m involved with. I was just kinda hoping to have sex with her, not do an autopsy.

Michael Jackson is homeless

From the National Enquirer : “Michael Jackson has secretly sold his Neverland Ranch for $35 million, The National Enquirer can reveal. The scandal-plagued superstar is so wracked by financial troubles he can no longer afford to keep his trademark fantasy estate in Los Olivos, near Santa Barbara, California.”

Molesting kids must cost a fortune, cause Jackson got 95 million from Sony Music just 10 years ago, and he seemed to have enough to pay 47.5 million for the Beatles catalog in 1985, but according to this report he still owes 16 million on the house. Crushing a roofie and stirring it into applesauce seems fairly economical, so kid-sized blond wigs and Lil’ Wrangler bondage saddles must cost more than I thought, but then I’ve been kinda negligent in pricing those lately. I have this cute tradition where I don’t destroy little kids lives. I’m charmingly old-fashioned that way. Unlike Bob Saget, who's a total perv.