Lindsay Lohan is flat

The young people of today seem to think that enormous implants are just some kind of teenage fad, like trying pot or a ‘Hello Kitty’ backpack. And Lindsay Lohan definitely seems to think that based on this picture taken last Friday, because this is not the same rack she had a few months ago, and absolutely not the same rack she had a year ago. Maybe she got tired of being known as the drunk red-head with the huge chest, but going blond and flat isn’t really going to change her image. That would be like putting a little yellow hat on a grizzly and then expecting it to hand out hugs. Of course none of that explains why she walks around Rodeo Drive dressed like she just got done mowing the lawn. Or why there seems to be blood under her left front tire.

Natalie Portman is shaved

Natalie Portman has shaved her head for her role in the upcoming V for Vendetta. “Some people will think I’m a neo-Nazi,” Portman said. “Or that I have cancer or I’m a lesbian … I cant stop rubbing my head, its so soft. I might keep it for a while.”

I have no idea what V for Vendetta is, but hopefully it’s about Natalie’s tongue taking a heartwarming journey to the back of my throat. Girls always always always always always always always always look better with long hair, but she does look kinda hot here. Before she looked too pristine, now she looks kinda crazy, like she’d call you a fag if you couldn’t make her cum twice. Oh, and, nice shot at lesbians there, by the way Natalie. I’m sure they’ll enjoy being lumped in with racist skinheads and the terminally ill.

Thanks to John - his name might be John. The email wasn’t real clear. He might just go to prostitutes a lot - for the link.

Ashton Kutcher is too fast

From British Glamour : Demi Moore is going to be in big trouble with Ashton Kutcher after she privately confessed she finds him a little "fast" in bed…”

God invented the word MILF because of Demi Moore, so Ashton Kutcher has no excuse to not have week long sex with her. Or maybe he really does need Viagra. Or maybe he’s just a dandy who would rather snuggle at a picnic, but he can do that when I’m done acting out that sexy cat-burglar fantasy I keep having about her. I know her breasts aren’t real, and I know I couldn’t care less. They’re real on the outside, and that’s really the only part I’m involved with. I was just kinda hoping to have sex with her, not do an autopsy.

Michael Jackson is homeless

From the National Enquirer : “Michael Jackson has secretly sold his Neverland Ranch for $35 million, The National Enquirer can reveal. The scandal-plagued superstar is so wracked by financial troubles he can no longer afford to keep his trademark fantasy estate in Los Olivos, near Santa Barbara, California.”

Molesting kids must cost a fortune, cause Jackson got 95 million from Sony Music just 10 years ago, and he seemed to have enough to pay 47.5 million for the Beatles catalog in 1985, but according to this report he still owes 16 million on the house. Crushing a roofie and stirring it into applesauce seems fairly economical, so kid-sized blond wigs and Lil’ Wrangler bondage saddles must cost more than I thought, but then I’ve been kinda negligent in pricing those lately. I have this cute tradition where I don’t destroy little kids lives. I’m charmingly old-fashioned that way. Unlike Bob Saget, who's a total perv.

Tori Spelling is a drunken tramp

Another proud day for Tori Spelling, with her embarrassing drunken antics earning her separate stories in the New York Post and the New York Daily News. And in neither of those stories does she teach the world how to love or use daddies billions to donate ponies to orphans. Instead, the alleged female stumbled drunk through a couple of Kentucky Derby parties, casually losing huge diamond earrings and simulating oral on Usher. Apparently Usher never had a fantasy about a hummer from Admiral Ackbar, cause various reports claim he politely pulled away. Or maybe that was because Tori’s husband was 5 feet away, doing math in his head and wondering if the money was worth it.

Thank God I wasn’t there. I’m a well known Hollywood pleasure machine, and the competition between me and Usher might have caused some friction between our entourages. You’re supposed to stop me before I make an idiot of myself, you know.

Pamela Anderson too good for monkeys

Pamela Anderson has refused to allow a chimp to appear on her show Stacked because of her position as a spokeswoman for PETA. To resolve the problem, the show's producers have replaced the chimp with a robot. I'm going out on a limb here, but any show where a monkey and a robot are interchangeable probably doesn't have the strongest storyline going for it. Not that shows with Pamela Anderson usually have any of that "story" crap anyways.

"Pam was fine about portraying the tests as frightening, but she drew the line at using a real chimp on the show," a source told The Scoop. "Pam said, "I asked them to lose the chimp. We've replaced him with a robot! The scenes are much funnier with the robot anyway - it’s a very sci-fi vibe.' "

Renee Zellweger is clear and bony. And married.

“Oscar-winning actress Renee Zellweger and country music star Kenny Chesney were married Monday in a small ceremony on the Caribbean island of St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands.”

I like girls who are tan with red hair and covered in my semen, so I can't say I’ve ever been a big Renee Zellweger fan. In fact, I can't remember the last Renee Zellwegger movie I saw. It might have been that Texas Chainsaw sequel with Matthew McConaughey. I never saw Jerry Maguire for the same reason I don’t decorate my bedroom in lace and chiffon and take long lavender baths. I almost had to watch Bridget Jones, but before it started I had a panic attack and screamed in terror and removed most of my clothing until everyone agreed it was for the best that I just leave the theater. My point is, I remember her being clear and bony. And she looks a lot like a lemur, although I can't explain how exactly. So I’m not sure a tropical beach wedding would have been my first choice, not when my bride constantly looks like she needs a blood transfusion. My Dr. Phil books say that I need to “get real” and that communication is the key to a good relationship, and these two seem off to a resounding start, since she wore a gown and he didn’t even wear shoes. But, hey, God bless em. I guess. I don’t know. Anyone know who the hell Kenny Chesney is, by they way.

Although, to be fair - and God knows I strive to be fair - she does look pretty f-able in this picture. After you scroll down.

Jessica Simpson is armed

One of the many reasons America is so great is because every other country is a bunch of jungle heathens armed with pointy rocks and goat blood, whereas we have hotties like Jessica Simpson on the trigger of guns big enough to shoot down the moon. And these pictures of Jessica taken last week on a USO tour of Qatar and Iraq prove that not only is the US superior in the field of giant guns, but in the field of giant boobs too. Especially heartwarming is the almost unthinkable personification of everything the people we’re fighting hate: hot blond Christian white girls, not too smart and seductively dressed, ready to dispense justice and the American spirit while leading a sexy attack, thus confusing the enemy into masturbating instead of defending themselves. No offense rest of the world, but you guys should just roll over and take it now.

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Jennifer Garner is pregnant

From E! Online : "Alias star (Jennifer Garner) is expecting her first child, E! Online and E! News have confirmed. Multiple sources close to Garner and beau Ben Affleck say the actress is three months along. News of the pregnancy comes just two weeks after several published reports claimed the couple were engaged."

The fact that E! News has confirmed E! Online’s story is good enough for me. I would have expected E! News to say, “Whatever you do, don’t listen to E! Online, those fuckers are crazy over there. I heard they killed a guy one time.”

Fame is so damn weird. Ben Affleck has basically been in one really good movie. And that was 40 years ago. And he was only in about 10 percent of it. If not for that, he’d be the dude saying he just lost another loan to Ditech. But he was in 'Good Will Hunting', and he’s been rich and famous ever since, and now he gets to water down Jennifer Garners genetic pool with his seed. But, whatever, the greatest thing about this story is that Afflecks rep is named Ken Sunshine. Whatever underserved millions he makes as a rep, rest assured, he does it with the gayest possible name. If your name is Mr. Sunshine, you shouldn't be trying to cover up the secret tryst Jennifer Garner and I had three months ago, you should be on PBS with a puppet named Montgomery Moose reading stories about ugly kids who achieve their goals.