Pamela Anderson too good for monkeys

Pamela Anderson has refused to allow a chimp to appear on her show Stacked because of her position as a spokeswoman for PETA. To resolve the problem, the show's producers have replaced the chimp with a robot. I'm going out on a limb here, but any show where a monkey and a robot are interchangeable probably doesn't have the strongest storyline going for it. Not that shows with Pamela Anderson usually have any of that "story" crap anyways.

"Pam was fine about portraying the tests as frightening, but she drew the line at using a real chimp on the show," a source told The Scoop. "Pam said, "I asked them to lose the chimp. We've replaced him with a robot! The scenes are much funnier with the robot anyway - it’s a very sci-fi vibe.' "

Renee Zellweger is clear and bony. And married.

“Oscar-winning actress Renee Zellweger and country music star Kenny Chesney were married Monday in a small ceremony on the Caribbean island of St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands.”

I like girls who are tan with red hair and covered in my semen, so I can't say I’ve ever been a big Renee Zellweger fan. In fact, I can't remember the last Renee Zellwegger movie I saw. It might have been that Texas Chainsaw sequel with Matthew McConaughey. I never saw Jerry Maguire for the same reason I don’t decorate my bedroom in lace and chiffon and take long lavender baths. I almost had to watch Bridget Jones, but before it started I had a panic attack and screamed in terror and removed most of my clothing until everyone agreed it was for the best that I just leave the theater. My point is, I remember her being clear and bony. And she looks a lot like a lemur, although I can't explain how exactly. So I’m not sure a tropical beach wedding would have been my first choice, not when my bride constantly looks like she needs a blood transfusion. My Dr. Phil books say that I need to “get real” and that communication is the key to a good relationship, and these two seem off to a resounding start, since she wore a gown and he didn’t even wear shoes. But, hey, God bless em. I guess. I don’t know. Anyone know who the hell Kenny Chesney is, by they way.

Although, to be fair - and God knows I strive to be fair - she does look pretty f-able in this picture. After you scroll down.

Jessica Simpson is armed

One of the many reasons America is so great is because every other country is a bunch of jungle heathens armed with pointy rocks and goat blood, whereas we have hotties like Jessica Simpson on the trigger of guns big enough to shoot down the moon. And these pictures of Jessica taken last week on a USO tour of Qatar and Iraq prove that not only is the US superior in the field of giant guns, but in the field of giant boobs too. Especially heartwarming is the almost unthinkable personification of everything the people we’re fighting hate: hot blond Christian white girls, not too smart and seductively dressed, ready to dispense justice and the American spirit while leading a sexy attack, thus confusing the enemy into masturbating instead of defending themselves. No offense rest of the world, but you guys should just roll over and take it now.

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Jennifer Garner is pregnant

From E! Online : "Alias star (Jennifer Garner) is expecting her first child, E! Online and E! News have confirmed. Multiple sources close to Garner and beau Ben Affleck say the actress is three months along. News of the pregnancy comes just two weeks after several published reports claimed the couple were engaged."

The fact that E! News has confirmed E! Online’s story is good enough for me. I would have expected E! News to say, “Whatever you do, don’t listen to E! Online, those fuckers are crazy over there. I heard they killed a guy one time.”

Fame is so damn weird. Ben Affleck has basically been in one really good movie. And that was 40 years ago. And he was only in about 10 percent of it. If not for that, he’d be the dude saying he just lost another loan to Ditech. But he was in 'Good Will Hunting', and he’s been rich and famous ever since, and now he gets to water down Jennifer Garners genetic pool with his seed. But, whatever, the greatest thing about this story is that Afflecks rep is named Ken Sunshine. Whatever underserved millions he makes as a rep, rest assured, he does it with the gayest possible name. If your name is Mr. Sunshine, you shouldn't be trying to cover up the secret tryst Jennifer Garner and I had three months ago, you should be on PBS with a puppet named Montgomery Moose reading stories about ugly kids who achieve their goals.

Michelle Williams is pregnant

From People.com : Australian actor Heath Ledger and his American girlfriend, Michelle Williams – formerly of The WB's Dawson's Creek – are expecting a baby, sources close to the couple tell PEOPLE.

Not exactly news cause this broke about a week ago, but it’s still noteworthy because Michelle Willimas looks exactly like a duck but was still able to somehow steal Ledger away from Naomi Watts. Williams must do ATM and everything, cause there hasn’t been an upset like this since I won that underground, no-rules martial arts tournament in Thailand. They said Chong-Li couldn’t be beaten, but they should have thought of that before they killed my sensei.

Thalia is next J.Lo

It is shocking the variety of pickles you can get these days. Have you guys noticed that? Anyway, I might be the last person on the planet to have heard of Thalia. She seems to hold a microphone a lot, so I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess she’s a singer. All I know for sure is that when I look at her too long, an angel dies. I guess I hear she’s married to Tommy Mottola - Mariah Careys ex and the head of Sony Music - and she’s usually called “the next J.Lo”, which seems like kind of a mean shot to take at someone. J.Lo is a fat bitchy talentless lump who would wear a coat made out of puppies while Thalia is so devastatingly hot it makes you rethink how beautiful any one person can really be. I just renounced my faith in God she’s so hot. To be honest, I don’t really know what the hell I’m talkin about right now, cause I’m still too blown away by the fact that they have pickle slices that can fit on an entire hamburger, so there's pickle in every bite. Holy Shit, what an age of wonders we live in!

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Bigfoot lives

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but Hedonistica has a fairly awesome picture of Bigfoot. That said, you should probably head on over and have a peak. And to make this at least somewhat relevant, I'll point out that Katie Holmes apparently only has four toes on her right foot. A number of readers pointed it out and I'm a little surprised I didn't catch it myself. I'm usually pretty good when it comes to spotting horribly disgusting foot deformities. And yes, that was a pretty pathetic attempt at creating relevance, but you have to keep in mind that I'm an idiot. Sometimes you forget that and it only ends up hurting both of us.

View totally irrelevant Bigfoot image

Bai Ling cut from Revenge of the Sith

Bai Ling, who was set to appear as Senator Bana Breemu in the upcoming "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith," has apparently been cut from the film. Ling … blamed her upcoming spread in Playboy magazine for her ouster. "I posed for Playboy and it may have been doing that which upset George Lucas…"

I really don’t get why Bai Ling appearing in Playboy is a big deal. It was confusing, but only when I thought Bai Ling was the home of “All You Can Eat Pot-Stickers”. Apparently that’s not the case at all. In fact, I looked up a bunch of pictures of her, and I never saw any Pot-Stickers. What I did see was a girl who looks like a cartoon cricket. And a girl who’s naked all the damn time. So I don’t get why Playboy is such a stretch or a shock. It takes 5 seconds to find naked or mostly naked pictures of her online. Hell, just look out your window, she’s probably out there right now, wiggling around and hoping to distract you from noticing that her eyes look way too much like a Hammerhead. So all this really did was prove once again that George Lucas is a greedy prick. He had no problem dressing Natalie Portman and Amy Allen in next to nothing, and Ling describes her Star Wars outfit as “naked with tattoos on my body,” so Playboy was only a big deal because someone other than Lucas was gonna make a dime off of Star Wars. God forbid.

Anyway, here are some pics of Grace Park from Battlestar Gallactica. It probably makes me a horrible racist to jump from one girl to another based on nothing but the fact they’re both Asian, but I’m kind of a dick, and Asian people totally love it when you lump them all together like this, so I don’t foresee a problem. Plus, Grace Park is unbelievably good looking, and I gotta start to make good on some of my casting couch promises.

Update - speaking of Episode III, Variety seems to be the first major with a review, and it's very very positive : "Entertaining from start to finish and even enthralling at times..." You can read it all here.

Katie Holmes has more problems

Katie Holmes used to be adorable. That was like ten minutes ago. I don’t know what the hell happened since then, but she's falling apart faster than a nazi at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I have five medical degrees and I still can't figure out what's wrong with her lips, and those are downright lickable compared to her hobbit like feet. Oddly enough though, she just became my number one choice to be stranded on a desert island with. Her body is still great, so I would use her lip sores to chip away at her self esteem and trick her into deviant sex, and she could use those mutant feet to climb the high trees for food and ward off our natural enemies.

Credit to Star for the picture. And thanks to whoever sent the link in. They didn’t include a name, so I'll just assume it's Krista Allen who is totally in love with me but too shy to make the first move. (spins his chair around to look out the giant window, taps his fingers together, "Soon my pet ... soon.")