Katie Holmes has more problems

Katie Holmes used to be adorable. That was like ten minutes ago. I don’t know what the hell happened since then, but she's falling apart faster than a nazi at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I have five medical degrees and I still can't figure out what's wrong with her lips, and those are downright lickable compared to her hobbit like feet. Oddly enough though, she just became my number one choice to be stranded on a desert island with. Her body is still great, so I would use her lip sores to chip away at her self esteem and trick her into deviant sex, and she could use those mutant feet to climb the high trees for food and ward off our natural enemies.

Credit to Star for the picture. And thanks to whoever sent the link in. They didn’t include a name, so I'll just assume it's Krista Allen who is totally in love with me but too shy to make the first move. (spins his chair around to look out the giant window, taps his fingers together, "Soon my pet ... soon.")

Britney Spears' urine bought by online casino

An online casino has paid $5,001 for Britney Spears' alleged home pregnancy test. Clearly somebody over at Golden Palace casino has an ironic sense of humor. Ya know, because Golden Palace and urine are like...urinary...palaces. See? Isn't that ironic? Urinary palaces. Oh man, I need to buy me one of those. I could hire a pastry chef and a tennis instructor and who knows what else. Now somebody explain to me why I'm talking about staffing my urinary palace. I believe I've totally lost my mind.

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie have crazy animal sex

The NY Post is reporting that Star Magazine is reporting that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made so much noise during a crazy sex session in Keyna that security rushed to their room. I thought the whole Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie relationship thing was still just speculation, but I guess we've just leaped over that wall and have gone straight into the "animalistic sex in different countries" territory. I think if I was a reporter for Star I would just sit at home all day eating Cheetos and watching the Cartoon Network. Then whenever I saw something ridiculous that happened in a cartoon I would turn it into a real life story about how Jessica Simpson drinks mustard to stay thin or something. That would be a nice life.

"Miss Jolie got so excited, the guards thought maybe Mr. Pitt was taking juju herbs to give him the strength of a lion."

Thanks to Julia for the tip. Now will somebody please get me these juju herbs? NOW?!

Katie Holmes has mouth problems

Are they cold sores? Are they bruises? Are they small alien creatures that live on the faces of droopy-faced celebrities? Only time will tell, my friends. Only time will tell.

That said, I hear Tom Cruise likes to kick his girlfriends in the mouths and give them all sorts of weird mouth bruises. And Herpes. He's a classy guy.

Richard Gere mean to handicapped

According to the New York Daily Times, Richard Gere "was snippy" when he was asked to pose for a picture with two children suffering from muscular dystrophy. At one point, he apparently even told the wheelchair-ridden kids that "I'm hard of hearing and I have a bad hip. We all have problems." Most celebrities would probably be a pansy and pose with the little buggers, but not Richard. Richard is a man of conviction and when he doesn't want to pose with handicapped children, then dammit he's not going to pose with any handicapped children. So don't even ask. Or he'll punch you in the face. And then pee on you.

Despite a second request an hour later, Gere still didn't come over. "May I please finish my dinner?" he pleaded with another fan who came up and asked for a photo.

Jenna Bush shows bush

There's probably a ton of clever stuff that could be said about Jenna Bush showing off her vagina in public but I'm just not smart enough to come up with anything. I guess I'm just no good when it comes to making fun of the daughter of the most powerful man in the world. Maybe it's because I don't want to wake up one day and find out that the CIA has killed me.

Obviously NSFW pictures after the jump.

*Update: So not only are the images Photoshopped, they're not even of Jenna Bush. I sure do enjoy being wrong about everything.

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Angelina Jolie says stuff in Vanity Fair

The newest issue of Vanity Fair features an article on Angelina Jolie describing how she and Brad Pitt became close through gun training as well as her denial that the two are in any sort of relationship.

"We went to gun training, which is actually one of the most dangerous things two actors can do... You had to trust each other to cross under or over and only move when the other person moves, so the trust, when somebody's got a loaded gun at your back... It made us trust each other quickly, you know?"

I have absolutely nothing to say about the subject so I thought I'd just post some old pictures of Angelina from the Alexander premiere and call it a night. After I masturbate to her face of course. I mean, wait. Not masturbate. I meant uh, donate money to the poor. Or...something.

Kevin Federline still trash

If ever there was a source of news more reliable than The National Enquirer I've yet to find it. That said, they're reporting that Kevin Federline hooked up with a protistute and stripper in Vegas while Britney was at home. Not bad, Kevin, but it still doesn't top the night I hooked up with four Korean porn stars and a koala bear. Man, that koala bear was so hot. You don't even know, man.

Hooker Daniele Coakley, 20, told The National Enquirer how she partied with Kevin and ended up passing out on a hotel bed after becoming sick on booze and the dance drug Ecstasy. And Vanessa Hulihan, 30, revealed that she spent nights talking to Kevin and had an intimate tryst with the married danceer in the bathroom of his suite.

Tara Reid has a weird stomach

Everybody knows that Tara Reid's breasts look like crap, but did anybody ever imagine that her stomach would be even worse? That has to be the work of surgery right? Normal stomachs don't look like that. Or at least they're not supposed to look like that. I can't really even imagine what it would take for a stomach to look like that. Drugs? Alcohol? Being a dirty drunken whore? Or maybe having her breasts screwed up wasn't good enough and she decided to finish her transformation into a complete freak by having the same surgeon work on her stomach. Mission accomplished, Tara. Mission accomplished.