Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie have crazy animal sex

The NY Post is reporting that Star Magazine is reporting that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made so much noise during a crazy sex session in Keyna that security rushed to their room. I thought the whole Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie relationship thing was still just speculation, but I guess we've just leaped over that wall and have gone straight into the "animalistic sex in different countries" territory. I think if I was a reporter for Star I would just sit at home all day eating Cheetos and watching the Cartoon Network. Then whenever I saw something ridiculous that happened in a cartoon I would turn it into a real life story about how Jessica Simpson drinks mustard to stay thin or something. That would be a nice life.

"Miss Jolie got so excited, the guards thought maybe Mr. Pitt was taking juju herbs to give him the strength of a lion."

Thanks to Julia for the tip. Now will somebody please get me these juju herbs? NOW?!

Katie Holmes has mouth problems

Are they cold sores? Are they bruises? Are they small alien creatures that live on the faces of droopy-faced celebrities? Only time will tell, my friends. Only time will tell.

That said, I hear Tom Cruise likes to kick his girlfriends in the mouths and give them all sorts of weird mouth bruises. And Herpes. He's a classy guy.

Richard Gere mean to handicapped

According to the New York Daily Times, Richard Gere "was snippy" when he was asked to pose for a picture with two children suffering from muscular dystrophy. At one point, he apparently even told the wheelchair-ridden kids that "I'm hard of hearing and I have a bad hip. We all have problems." Most celebrities would probably be a pansy and pose with the little buggers, but not Richard. Richard is a man of conviction and when he doesn't want to pose with handicapped children, then dammit he's not going to pose with any handicapped children. So don't even ask. Or he'll punch you in the face. And then pee on you.

Despite a second request an hour later, Gere still didn't come over. "May I please finish my dinner?" he pleaded with another fan who came up and asked for a photo.

Jenna Bush shows bush

There's probably a ton of clever stuff that could be said about Jenna Bush showing off her vagina in public but I'm just not smart enough to come up with anything. I guess I'm just no good when it comes to making fun of the daughter of the most powerful man in the world. Maybe it's because I don't want to wake up one day and find out that the CIA has killed me.

Obviously NSFW pictures after the jump.

*Update: So not only are the images Photoshopped, they're not even of Jenna Bush. I sure do enjoy being wrong about everything.

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Angelina Jolie says stuff in Vanity Fair

The newest issue of Vanity Fair features an article on Angelina Jolie describing how she and Brad Pitt became close through gun training as well as her denial that the two are in any sort of relationship.

"We went to gun training, which is actually one of the most dangerous things two actors can do... You had to trust each other to cross under or over and only move when the other person moves, so the trust, when somebody's got a loaded gun at your back... It made us trust each other quickly, you know?"

I have absolutely nothing to say about the subject so I thought I'd just post some old pictures of Angelina from the Alexander premiere and call it a night. After I masturbate to her face of course. I mean, wait. Not masturbate. I meant uh, donate money to the poor. Or...something.

Kevin Federline still trash

If ever there was a source of news more reliable than The National Enquirer I've yet to find it. That said, they're reporting that Kevin Federline hooked up with a protistute and stripper in Vegas while Britney was at home. Not bad, Kevin, but it still doesn't top the night I hooked up with four Korean porn stars and a koala bear. Man, that koala bear was so hot. You don't even know, man.

Hooker Daniele Coakley, 20, told The National Enquirer how she partied with Kevin and ended up passing out on a hotel bed after becoming sick on booze and the dance drug Ecstasy. And Vanessa Hulihan, 30, revealed that she spent nights talking to Kevin and had an intimate tryst with the married danceer in the bathroom of his suite.

Tara Reid has a weird stomach

Everybody knows that Tara Reid's breasts look like crap, but did anybody ever imagine that her stomach would be even worse? That has to be the work of surgery right? Normal stomachs don't look like that. Or at least they're not supposed to look like that. I can't really even imagine what it would take for a stomach to look like that. Drugs? Alcohol? Being a dirty drunken whore? Or maybe having her breasts screwed up wasn't good enough and she decided to finish her transformation into a complete freak by having the same surgeon work on her stomach. Mission accomplished, Tara. Mission accomplished.

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes love is a sham

The New York Post is suggesting that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's relationship is nothing more than a publicity stunt. They make some interesting points about something or another, but I'm sticking to my previous theory that Tom Cruise wants droopy-faced children. Plus any excuse to watch this disgusting couple make out in public is okay by me.

Cruise and Holmes' alleged relationship began when his publicist-sister, Lee Anne DeVette, announced to the world that they were dating - the same night the two of them paraded before photographers in Rome holding hands. The following night, they again put on a show for the paparazzi, this time making sure they were pictured kissing.

Jack Osbourne makes the news lie

You miss the best stuff when you're sick, like the fact that Jack Osbourne has myseriously become a freaking Thai kickboxer. Even more surprising is that the little bastard ended up knocking out a "veteran Thai kickboxer" in their second round. I don't want to insinuate that Jack Osbourne is out of shape or a lumpy potato or anything, but I'm about 100% sure that the "veteran Thai kickboxer" was either paid to throw the fight, made up by the Associated Press, or simply an 8-year old girl. I refuse to believe that potato boy could have defeated anybody in a fair fight, let alone an actual Thai kickboxer. That little 8-year old girl I was talking about before? Even she would kick the crap out of Jack Osbourne. I mean unless he ate her or something.

Jack spent four days at the elite Fairtex Muaythai Fitness Camp near Bangkok, the Thai capital, before traveling to the popular tourist island of Pha-Ngan for "a complete physical detox, which was basically twice-daily massive colonic irrigations to kind of flush himself out of toxins," Stobart said.