Nicole Richie has a great body

According to the latest issue of Star Magazine, Nicole Richie has the number one beach body in all of Hollywood. Others on the list include Elizabeth Hurley, Jessica Simpson and Kelly Ripa. Others on the list are also a hell of a lot hotter than Nicole Richie. Which means that either someone came and changed the definition of “body” while I was asleep or Star magazine has some pretty weird taste. Or maybe I'm the only one who doesn’t think that looking like a Civil War P.O.W. is all that hot.

Johnny Knoxville is the daddy

From the New York Post : “The buzz has been swirling for months that (Jessica) Simpson and (Johnny) Knoxville were having an on-set affair, but both stars have denied any talk of a tryst. But at least one eyewitness … at 40 Deuce in Los Angeles told PAGE SIX she saw Knoxville and Simpson stroking one another's hands when the lights went down.”

The reason guys come to Hollywood is because dudes like Johnny Knoxville should be back in Tennessee wearin a coon skin cap and working on air conditioners, but instead he’s bangin away on Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan, based on a career where he gets punched in the nuts by a midget in a tiny panda suit. I can’t wait to be famous. God it's gonna be great. Until then I’ll just stick with flashing my fake badge and pulling girls over.

And now I’m gonna make the site even more sexariffic and post some pics of the latest recipient of Knoxville’s penis.

Brandon Routh is Superman

Hey, Bryan Singer, any chance you could ratchet back the gayness a tad on the new Superman. That would really be great. I realize this is in line with the “classic” look, but that came about when action movies hadn’t really advanced past the ‘bonk’. Superman should look like he’s about to kick ass, not strip at a secretary’s birthday party. I don't really know what he should be wearing instead, but if I were in a burning building and someone showed up in this, even if they flew in carrying a fire truck, it would still take me a minute to know if I was being rescued or seduced. God forbid he had to carry me somewhere dressed like this. I'd be there in his arms, my body completely rigid, straight as a board, trying not to make eye contact and making awkward conversation. “So, umm, you think the Saints might finally draft a corner this year.”

Click here for a super high-res thanks to BrandRouth.com

Quentin Tarantino directs CSI

Finally some details from that Quentin Tarantino directed CSI series 5 finale, from CSIFiles.com :

“main character Nick Stokes is kidnapped by someone with a grudge against CSI. (When) he wakes up, he's trapped in a coffin with a loaded handgun and a tape recorder with a message telling him it's best to kill himself, as he's going to die anyway. There's also a webcam in the coffin, which transmits an image back to the CSI lab, allowing his colleagues to see him slowly suffocate - but not providing any clues as to his whereabouts. 'Grave Danger' was written by CSI showrunner Carol Mendelsohn, CSI creator Anthony Zuiker, and executive producer Naren Shankar, based on a story by Quentin Tarantino. The episode will air Wednesday the 19th of May.”

I’m not sure what Hong Kong movie this plot is ripped off from, but Quentin is involved so I’m confident it’s one of them. Also not sure how he’s gonna fit a kung fu master and ninja sword fight into that coffin. I can only assume he’ll do it through flash backs. That’s probably when he’ll abuse his power, cast himself and make out with a super hot Asian chick who’s way out of his league too. No word yet on if she gets hazard pay for that.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner engaged

According to Star magazine, Ben Affleck proposed to Jennifer Garner after her 33rd birthday party last Saturday at her Brentwood home. He allegedly bought her a $500,000, 4.5-carat Harry Winston engagement ring, as compared to the 6.1-carat pink diamond ring from Winston which he had gotten for Jennifer Lopez. I guess this means Ben just doesn't love Jennifer as much as he loves Jennifer. Wait, what? I mean Jennifer and Ben aren't quite as Jennifer as Ben and Jennifer. Jennifer. Ben Jennifer. Bennifer. Shit!

Kirsten Dunst is ugly

If I had to choose between slamming my penis into Kristen Dunst or slamming my penis in a car door, I would at least request that car be American. Then maybe my penis could get buried in a national cemetery. And soldiers would hand me a folded flag while I cried at its funeral. I would miss my penis, we’ve had a lot of good times together, but I would respect its sacrifice. It would be the Pat Tillman of penis. I like to think it would never take the cowards way out and go east-west in that pale brittle troll, even for a minute. And I’m pretty sure I’d rather get a hand job from those hooded things in Lord of the Rings than that nicotine stained talon she’s got.

Oh, and another smoking picture to illustrate her arrogance/stupidity, cause this time she’s at a lung cancer event, The Louis Vuitton United Cancer Front Gala. I think Ward sent this one in. Notice how sexy role model Kate Bosworth is desperately pretending to not totally be into me. Kate's the one who doesnt look like she got dressed during a hurricane.

Paris Hilton wants a baby

From Star : Paris Hilton … has been talking babies with her new beau, Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis! "[Hilton] is crazy about him and says she's sure he's the one," someone close to the hotel heiress tells a source. "She says she wants his baby and that he's so good-looking that she just knows they'd have beautiful kids."

Thanks to a weak gag-reflex, it took me like an hour to even read this story, but I think I got the gist of it : Paris is a whore who wants attention. Based on med school classes I never took, I would have thought the Jenga of STD’s that somehow keep her body upright should prevent her from having even recreational sex, so to think of her having sex with the sinister purpose of reproducing is pretty hard to stomach. Luckily there’s no chance of this happening, since I’m pretty sure freedom-fighters from the future would send a robot to kill her first.

Britney Spears is fabulous

From VH1 : "'The Fabulous Life of Britney and Kevin' … debuts Monday and will show how they blow their money on everything from champagne to private planes. VH1 says, 'With a net worth of $32 million, Britney's the world's hottest sugar mama. But that hasn't stopped Kevin from racking up his own riches. In 2004, he banked $2.3 million from the sale of their wedding photos. And make no mistake: Kevin wears the pants in this family.' A friend says, 'Even though Britney is pregnant, Kevin smokes cigarettes right in her face. The baby's gonna be born with a 3 pack a day habit.'"

The cancer filled lungs is gonna be the least of this kids problems, since there's a 98 percent chance of him coming out with horns and a split tongue. Of course that might make him some sort of unkillable demon, but I guess there’s only one way to find out. You know what’s more hateable and completely punchable than Kevin Federline? Yeah, me neither. And it’s why everyday I get closer to tatting ‘love’ and ‘hate’ on my knuckles and lifting weights while crying with a billion pictures of him on my walls.

Note - It was insufferable enough when I thought Britney was the one who sold her wedding pictures for $2.3 million, but to know that Kevin was the one who did it really is too much to take. This jackass has the grace, dignity and style of Gary Oldman in True Romance, and yet he’s 2.3 million dollars richer than me because of his master plan to whore out pictures of his bride. I gotta go lift some weights. Cause it aint white boy day. (props to anyone who got that last line.)

Thanks to Sara for the link.

Angelina Jolie is Ms. Smith

The great movie site Latino Review scored some make-out worthy pictures of Angelina Jolie in the upcoming Mr. and Mrs. Smith. No word yet on how Mark Wahlberg feels about the movie not accurately representing his childhood, but it should be good for some mindless summer entertainment, especially with the well documented back-story and unavoidable images of Jolie and Brad Pitt bangin away on each other off set and starting a sexy new master race.