Kirsten Dunst is ugly

If I had to choose between slamming my penis into Kristen Dunst or slamming my penis in a car door, I would at least request that car be American. Then maybe my penis could get buried in a national cemetery. And soldiers would hand me a folded flag while I cried at its funeral. I would miss my penis, we’ve had a lot of good times together, but I would respect its sacrifice. It would be the Pat Tillman of penis. I like to think it would never take the cowards way out and go east-west in that pale brittle troll, even for a minute. And I’m pretty sure I’d rather get a hand job from those hooded things in Lord of the Rings than that nicotine stained talon she’s got.

Oh, and another smoking picture to illustrate her arrogance/stupidity, cause this time she’s at a lung cancer event, The Louis Vuitton United Cancer Front Gala. I think Ward sent this one in. Notice how sexy role model Kate Bosworth is desperately pretending to not totally be into me. Kate's the one who doesnt look like she got dressed during a hurricane.

Paris Hilton wants a baby

From Star : Paris Hilton … has been talking babies with her new beau, Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis! "[Hilton] is crazy about him and says she's sure he's the one," someone close to the hotel heiress tells a source. "She says she wants his baby and that he's so good-looking that she just knows they'd have beautiful kids."

Thanks to a weak gag-reflex, it took me like an hour to even read this story, but I think I got the gist of it : Paris is a whore who wants attention. Based on med school classes I never took, I would have thought the Jenga of STD’s that somehow keep her body upright should prevent her from having even recreational sex, so to think of her having sex with the sinister purpose of reproducing is pretty hard to stomach. Luckily there’s no chance of this happening, since I’m pretty sure freedom-fighters from the future would send a robot to kill her first.

Britney Spears is fabulous

From VH1 : "'The Fabulous Life of Britney and Kevin' … debuts Monday and will show how they blow their money on everything from champagne to private planes. VH1 says, 'With a net worth of $32 million, Britney's the world's hottest sugar mama. But that hasn't stopped Kevin from racking up his own riches. In 2004, he banked $2.3 million from the sale of their wedding photos. And make no mistake: Kevin wears the pants in this family.' A friend says, 'Even though Britney is pregnant, Kevin smokes cigarettes right in her face. The baby's gonna be born with a 3 pack a day habit.'"

The cancer filled lungs is gonna be the least of this kids problems, since there's a 98 percent chance of him coming out with horns and a split tongue. Of course that might make him some sort of unkillable demon, but I guess there’s only one way to find out. You know what’s more hateable and completely punchable than Kevin Federline? Yeah, me neither. And it’s why everyday I get closer to tatting ‘love’ and ‘hate’ on my knuckles and lifting weights while crying with a billion pictures of him on my walls.

Note - It was insufferable enough when I thought Britney was the one who sold her wedding pictures for $2.3 million, but to know that Kevin was the one who did it really is too much to take. This jackass has the grace, dignity and style of Gary Oldman in True Romance, and yet he’s 2.3 million dollars richer than me because of his master plan to whore out pictures of his bride. I gotta go lift some weights. Cause it aint white boy day. (props to anyone who got that last line.)

Thanks to Sara for the link.

Angelina Jolie is Ms. Smith

The great movie site Latino Review scored some make-out worthy pictures of Angelina Jolie in the upcoming Mr. and Mrs. Smith. No word yet on how Mark Wahlberg feels about the movie not accurately representing his childhood, but it should be good for some mindless summer entertainment, especially with the well documented back-story and unavoidable images of Jolie and Brad Pitt bangin away on each other off set and starting a sexy new master race.

Clay Aiken was bullied

From AOL : Multiplatinum-selling singer Clay Aiken (talked) about his own experiences with bullying … on the syndicated "Dr. Phil" show Tuesday … "The first two years of high school, I was shy," Aiken told Cosmo Girl. "I got picked on for the way I was dressed. I had Coke-bottle glasses, and my hair was just atrocious."

Just based on the fact that you do interviews with Dr. Phil and Cosmo Girl leads me to side with the bullies and assume that they were right to preemptively beat you. Although it’s hard to argue the street cred of references like “Coke-bottle glasses” (I’ll ignore the fact that Coke bottles haven’t been made of glass for about 130 years now).

Some one close to this little lady needs to point out that not everything needs to be confessed to. Some things are just sort of assumed, and one of those is definitely that helpful bigger kids were nice enough to relieve a sugary treat like Clay Aiken of sinful worldly possessions like money, pride and his pants. His first clue to this should have been back when the dentist eventually stopped joking about how someone could need a new retainer every single week.

A quote from Clays mom : "I don't know that he was bullied so much as he was just ignored." Nice. Isn’t there some maternal instinct that’s supposed to kick in and prevent Moms from admitting that their kids are such invisible blank slates that they didn’t even merit a mindless beating. Like, not even by a freshman looking to make a name for herself by beating up a senior and proving to everyone that Wheels from the Burger King Kids Club Gang was right and handicapped kids can do cool stuff too.

Lindsay Lohan goes blonde

Lindsay Lohan has broken her promise to maintain her famous red hair forever - by dying it platinum blonde. However, Lohan's spokeswoman insists the teen singer/actress had no choice in the matter. She tells website Pagesix.com, "She only dyed it temporarily for a movie role. It's easier to do the real thing than wear a wig."

So does this mean Lindsay Lohan is an even bigger whore than she was before? Because that'd be a pretty amazing achievement, even for Lindsay. Although the level of whoreism that she might reach with this new blonde hair could very well destroy the Universe. I'm not sure how, but I bet it would involve big boobs and a lot of alcohol. And maybe a donkey. And a lot of whoring.

Mark Wahlberg is a tough guy

From IMDB : Mark Wahlberg has slammed Eminem, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck for giving a false impression of tough, impoverished childhoods in their music and films. The 33-year-old actor complains, "My childhood wasn't like some 8 Mile bulls**t where you go and have a rap-off. Or like West Side Story, where you all start dancing and s**t. If I make a film about my upbringing it's going to be about more than a f**king kid doing math, like in Good Will Hunting, you know what I mean?"

Mark Wahlberg is right, every single movie should be a brutally honest look at his life growing up in suburban Boston. Poor people aren’t good at math, and fuck you if you try to convince me they are. Even musical theatre based on Romeo and Juliet should show gang initiation rapes and crime sprees, not big elaborate numbers where people “start dancing and shit.” Cause that’s not life on the street. That’s not the hell Markie went through. He was even forced to “command you to dance,” cause on the street, you take command or you die. On the dance floor apparently. And gangs don’t have generic names like ‘the Jets’. In the real world, ‘gangs’ have fear-inspiring names like ‘the Funky Bunch’. And the only way out of hell is to be harder than all the rest. Or model underwear.

That’s why all of Markie’s movies are just like his real life, like when he used to put on a fake dick and jack off in front of gay guys for 5 dollars. Or the time he flew to a planet ruled by big giant monkeys. That’s keepin it real yo.

note - yeah, so I re-wrote this, dumped all the dumb wigga slang. Not really sure why I thought that would be clever, but it was just kind of cringe worthy in hindsight. Oh, and also, spell check for ‘Markie’ suggests ‘Marcie.’ Just thought you’d wanna know.

Jamie Foxx is not influential

From IMDB : Oscar-winning actor Jamie Foxx has arrived on Time magazine's list of the world's most influential people, alongside President George Bush … hailing from 31 different countries, and including rappers, designers, world leaders and a tsunami survivor, the listed newsmakers have shaped the world in some way, according to the magazine's editors.

This quote from Trey Parker of South Park has been on here before, but if I put it up again now it will be appropriate and look like I’ve done something : “People wonder why we rip on celebrities, when all around there are pages of shit glorifying celebrities like Winona Ryder. And celebrities view themselves as the fucking Mozart’s of their time. Even fucking Ray Ramono thinks he’s an enlightened individual. These people all think they’re enlightened artists and therefore speak for the country. But I haven’t met one celebrity who wasn’t a little bit fucked up. Actors and actresses are the worst, because they’re just fucking monkeys. Half the people in this country could do what they do but for some reason they think they’re opinion matters.”

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Brad Pitt has interesting taste

According to E! Online, Brad Pitt has recently begun to date Mariane Pearl, widow of Daniel Pearl, the Wall Street Journal reporter who was beheaded by Muslim terrorists in January of 2002.

"They're seeing each other," (said) a Pearl confidant. "I don't know how serious it is, but they're definitely seeing each other. The U2 concert (that they recently attended together) was a date."

I always kinda assumed Angelina Jolie was insane, but I figured that was balanced out by her bone-jarringly hot ass and enthusiasm for deviant sex so filthy and bizarre, even ‘Serpiente’ - the guy who holds down the girls in snuff films from Ecuador - would say, “I don’t know man, that seems a little weird.” But I can’t imagine how whacked out she would have to be for me to tire of sex with her after just a few weeks. No matter what mindless insanity she was talkin about, I’m pretty sure I could just tune her out while staring at her lips and thinking up new ways to defile them. Mariane Pearl has been through enough, so I’m not real enthusiastic about making fun of her, but its probably safe to say she is less sexy then Angelina Jolie. In fact, its probably safe to say she’s less sexy than a model of Angelina Jolie made out of legos. Granted, those would be pretty sexxxy legos.