Lindsay Lohan denies grope-fest with Bruce Willis

Lindsay Lohan's rep insists that Lindsay wasn't messing around with Bruce Willis as reported in "The New York Post" last Thursday. The rep says they were hanging out together at a party following the premiere of his new movie "Hostage", but they were not groping each other. Lindsay's rep also wants everyone to know that Lindsay's tattoo is on her lower back and not her right butt cheek, and that it says La Bella Vita (The Beautiful Life) and not La Bella Vista (The Beautiful View) as claimed by the person who supposedly watched Bruce's hands work her jeans down low enough to display the tattoo. I guess this means Lindsay Lohan isn't a whore anymore. Oh wait, no it doesn't.

Cameron Diaz falls down

Cameron Diaz was rushed to a hospital after she fell from a chest of drawers and knocked herself unconscious. She was reportedly standing on the furniture to reach the top of a wardrobe when she slipped and hit her head. Justin Timberlake found her passed out on the floor and bleeding badly from a head wound. Paramedics at the scene thought Cameron had broken her back and rushed her to the hospital, but she ended up being treated for a back strain and received 19 stitches in her head. I don't even know what I'd do if I found Cameron Diaz lying passed out and bleeding on my floor. The only thing that comes to mind right now is poking her with a stick. I mean that's what you're supposed to do with people that have passed out right? Poke them with sticks?

Denise Richards is available

Denise Richards has gotta be the greatest catch in the world right now. Like getting a dog from the pound. You can be the best thing that ever happened to her, and it aint even gonna take that much. I can’t say I’m thrilled about raising Charlie Sheens kids though. I’m hoping to sell at least one of them, probably the one on the way, cause, you know, how attached can Denise really be. And it’s Swiss boarding school for the other one. And please understand, I only have the best interest of the kids at heart. I plan on bangin their mom at least 20 hours a day, and no kid should see their mom defiled like my plan of attack calls for. She may have to get used to doing housework and cooking me breakfast while I’m having sex with her, but, c'mon, what new relationship doesn't have an adjustment period?

And for all the ladies wondering why we took so long to write the Denise Richards divorces Charlie Sheen story … (places index finger on your lips) … shhhhhh! … don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, baby.

Sharon Stone is topless

I have no idea what to write about these Sharon Stone topless pictures. I would call her a whore, but she seems to know that already. And she seems okay with it. I’m torn because she doesn’t really look that bad considering she’s 47, but she’s an insufferable bitch, so I’ll be dammed if I’m gonna say something nice about her. So, her tits and a story about her perpetual whoreing are here, and after the jump is something I wrote about her like two years ago for the Santas Little Helper.

Continue Reading

Sheryl Crow is topless. What the hell...

Ummm … okay, I have no idea what to say about this one either. She doesn’t look too great, but it’s not like I spent a lot of time day-dreaming about Sheryl Crow topless, so I’m not really disappointed or anything. It’s like seeing a porcupine or something. You didn’t expect to see one, but hey, look, there’s one. And that's what it looks like.

Oh man, I have to write at least 200 words here, so uhhh, okay, what did you guys do this weekend? Anything cool? I went to see Hostage. That was pretty cool. And then I brought home this chick and the next morning I woke up with a bunch of new scratches on my chest. Actually they're cuts. And they're in the shape of a big pentagram. Is that bad? Does that mean anything?

Hey, what? Oh man, did you guys just say my name or are the voices in my head getting louder?

So hungry, so very very hungry…

Angelina Jolie is down for anything

Sky News reports that Jolie confesses to sleeping with women, multiple partners, and sex with friends.

And this is why I love Angelina. No matter what you might bring up in bed, no matter what depraved deviant thing you heard they did in a German porn one time, she’d almost certainly be up for it. Another girl? Sure! Pop-Rocks? Check! Sex on the dance floor at my high school reunion? You got it! Enthusiasm is the sexiest thing in the world, and even though Jennifer Love Hewitt is maybe kinda just as good looking, I gotta imagine sex with her wouldn’t be that great. Comments like, “What are you doing,” “You’re on my hair,” and “Eww, gross, it’s all over me” aren’t the aphrodisiac you might think.

And keep in mind that Jessica Alba feels the same way about one night stands and sex with other girls. And she and Angelina are probably at the same clubs some times. And having a few drinks. And then their eyes meet from across the room. Subtle at first, but with more passion and longing at every glance. Suddenly dizzy, was it the champagne or the look in her eyes, it was hard to tell by now, but one thing was certain : this night was going to be like no other, and come morning, nothing would ever be the same.

Thanks to Tom for the link.

Victoria Beckham is hot

By any reasonable definition, Victoria Beckham is out of her damn mind and completely insufferable. So why would the most recognizable athlete in the world, a soccer god with Pele’s foot and Brad Pitts face put up with her insane spending and misguided sense of entitlement?

Mostly because of that pic below.

A report from the UK says, “The 30-year-old is among several famous faces including Sarah Ferguson, Paris Hilton, Kate Moss and Geri Halliwell appearing in the book in aid of the Elton John Aids Foundation. Tennis star Serena Williams, singers Christina Aguilera and Holly Valance, actresses Jane Leeves (Daphne in Frasier) and Minnie Driver with her sister Kate have also stripped off for the book.”

Why anyone would want to see Daphne from Frasier naked is beyond me. I'd rather see Daphne from Scooby Doo naked. And the jokes about Paris Hilton wanting to help find a cure for AIDS are obvious, so I'm just gonna admit that this entire post was because, bitch or not, Posh Spice is the hottest MILF on the planet.

Thanks to Nick for the link.

Kirstie Alley is disgusting

“Later, Kirstie, dressed in sexy silk pajamas, entertains at her mansion: He's sliding an ice pop down her throat and spraying whip cream in her mouth. They end up in her bedroom, where Kirstie performs a sexy dance. When he slaps her buttocks in bed, she laughs, ‘Nobody's slapped my ass like that!’”

It’s not cute when a regular sized person puts on 1500 pounds. It’s not normal. It’s not OK. And I’m not gonna pretend like it is. Certainly not for someone as completely hateable as Kirstie Alley. I remember watching her do interviews and she’d pull her diva shit and lounge around with chocolate on her face, fighting to breathe, eyeing her next victim on the buffet, bragging that she’ll waddle out of her trailer when she’s good and ready. Cause she’s the star and it’s her show. In other words, “attention everyone on the crew who left their families at 4:30 am to get to work by 5, I don’t care how hilariously hot it is out there : fuck you.”

I’d rather watch my grandfather masturbate than Kristie Alley try to be sexy. Even when she was hot she was ugly. And that was long before she looked like she was gonna climb a building and knock planes out of the sky.

Another quote from the link says, "She slams guys with a fat joke and almost dares them to respond," says the insider. "Some manage to say something like, 'You're fantastic,' but most guys are blown away. A lot of guys are into Kirstie, but she's so brash it scares them off before they can ask for a date."

It’s not because she’s so overtly sexual and guys cant handle it, it’s because she’s disgusting. They’re not responding because they’re choking on their bile. They walk away because they’re trying to be polite. You’re embarrassing and they’re trying to not scream out "get away you withered hag" but you’re begging them too.

note - these pictures are from the Fat Actress premiere. This is Kirstie at her best. And I never even got into the Scientology.

Star Wars, Episode III

Hot lesbians have been known to trick me into a lot of things - joining Amway, smuggling pandas, burying that homeless guy in the desert - but I draw the line at watching ‘the OC’. But I will watch tonight to get a look at the world premiere of the Star Wars Episode III trailer. If you can't wait till tonight, and you think it's worth having a seizure, you can watch it here now. Despite this bad, obviously bootlegged copy, it still looks pretty damn impressive. Then again, that son of a bitch has fooled me before. And by ‘son of a bitch’, I mean David Blaine. Man that guy is good!

update - Feel free to reminisce by clicking the link above and getting that ‘flip cartoon in the corner of your grade school notebook’ vibe, but there are some really good mirrors up by now, some of the better ones here : in QuickTime, as a Torrent, or if you have AOL, you can go to StarWars.com.