Sharon Stone is topless

I have no idea what to write about these Sharon Stone topless pictures. I would call her a whore, but she seems to know that already. And she seems okay with it. I’m torn because she doesn’t really look that bad considering she’s 47, but she’s an insufferable bitch, so I’ll be dammed if I’m gonna say something nice about her. So, her tits and a story about her perpetual whoreing are here, and after the jump is something I wrote about her like two years ago for the Santas Little Helper.

(you have to pretend this is like a news story. like the onion, but without the whiny left-wing rambling)

Sharon Stone found alive in
park just miles from her home

(Los Angeles CA) – A man walking his dog stumbled across the remains of actress Sharon Stone Wednesday, ending a yearlong mystery as to the performers whereabouts.

Ms. Stone was spotted at a popular dog park just off Mulholland Drive in the Hollywood Hills. Ms. Stone had no dog, but sat in the middle of the twenty acre park wearing a long dark coat on a warm October day, a large 'Basic Instinct' baseball cap pulled low over her face and a pair of dark sunglasses.

The "actress" sipped from a cup of Coffee Bean coffee, trying to go about her day while avoiding a throng of imaginary fans and paparazzi.

"Yeah, it turns out that her movies suck and she’s an irritating, insufferable, ego-maniacal, self-centered, patronizing bitch, so no one was really lookin for her," said police.

Sheryl Crow is topless. What the hell...

Ummm … okay, I have no idea what to say about this one either. She doesn’t look too great, but it’s not like I spent a lot of time day-dreaming about Sheryl Crow topless, so I’m not really disappointed or anything. It’s like seeing a porcupine or something. You didn’t expect to see one, but hey, look, there’s one. And that's what it looks like.

Oh man, I have to write at least 200 words here, so uhhh, okay, what did you guys do this weekend? Anything cool? I went to see Hostage. That was pretty cool. And then I brought home this chick and the next morning I woke up with a bunch of new scratches on my chest. Actually they're cuts. And they're in the shape of a big pentagram. Is that bad? Does that mean anything?

Hey, what? Oh man, did you guys just say my name or are the voices in my head getting louder?

So hungry, so very very hungry…

Angelina Jolie is down for anything

Sky News reports that Jolie confesses to sleeping with women, multiple partners, and sex with friends.

And this is why I love Angelina. No matter what you might bring up in bed, no matter what depraved deviant thing you heard they did in a German porn one time, she’d almost certainly be up for it. Another girl? Sure! Pop-Rocks? Check! Sex on the dance floor at my high school reunion? You got it! Enthusiasm is the sexiest thing in the world, and even though Jennifer Love Hewitt is maybe kinda just as good looking, I gotta imagine sex with her wouldn’t be that great. Comments like, “What are you doing,” “You’re on my hair,” and “Eww, gross, it’s all over me” aren’t the aphrodisiac you might think.

And keep in mind that Jessica Alba feels the same way about one night stands and sex with other girls. And she and Angelina are probably at the same clubs some times. And having a few drinks. And then their eyes meet from across the room. Subtle at first, but with more passion and longing at every glance. Suddenly dizzy, was it the champagne or the look in her eyes, it was hard to tell by now, but one thing was certain : this night was going to be like no other, and come morning, nothing would ever be the same.

Thanks to Tom for the link.

Victoria Beckham is hot

By any reasonable definition, Victoria Beckham is out of her damn mind and completely insufferable. So why would the most recognizable athlete in the world, a soccer god with Pele’s foot and Brad Pitts face put up with her insane spending and misguided sense of entitlement?

Mostly because of that pic below.

A report from the UK says, “The 30-year-old is among several famous faces including Sarah Ferguson, Paris Hilton, Kate Moss and Geri Halliwell appearing in the book in aid of the Elton John Aids Foundation. Tennis star Serena Williams, singers Christina Aguilera and Holly Valance, actresses Jane Leeves (Daphne in Frasier) and Minnie Driver with her sister Kate have also stripped off for the book.”

Why anyone would want to see Daphne from Frasier naked is beyond me. I'd rather see Daphne from Scooby Doo naked. And the jokes about Paris Hilton wanting to help find a cure for AIDS are obvious, so I'm just gonna admit that this entire post was because, bitch or not, Posh Spice is the hottest MILF on the planet.

Thanks to Nick for the link.

Kirstie Alley is disgusting

“Later, Kirstie, dressed in sexy silk pajamas, entertains at her mansion: He's sliding an ice pop down her throat and spraying whip cream in her mouth. They end up in her bedroom, where Kirstie performs a sexy dance. When he slaps her buttocks in bed, she laughs, ‘Nobody's slapped my ass like that!’”

It’s not cute when a regular sized person puts on 1500 pounds. It’s not normal. It’s not OK. And I’m not gonna pretend like it is. Certainly not for someone as completely hateable as Kirstie Alley. I remember watching her do interviews and she’d pull her diva shit and lounge around with chocolate on her face, fighting to breathe, eyeing her next victim on the buffet, bragging that she’ll waddle out of her trailer when she’s good and ready. Cause she’s the star and it’s her show. In other words, “attention everyone on the crew who left their families at 4:30 am to get to work by 5, I don’t care how hilariously hot it is out there : fuck you.”

I’d rather watch my grandfather masturbate than Kristie Alley try to be sexy. Even when she was hot she was ugly. And that was long before she looked like she was gonna climb a building and knock planes out of the sky.

Another quote from the link says, "She slams guys with a fat joke and almost dares them to respond," says the insider. "Some manage to say something like, 'You're fantastic,' but most guys are blown away. A lot of guys are into Kirstie, but she's so brash it scares them off before they can ask for a date."

It’s not because she’s so overtly sexual and guys cant handle it, it’s because she’s disgusting. They’re not responding because they’re choking on their bile. They walk away because they’re trying to be polite. You’re embarrassing and they’re trying to not scream out "get away you withered hag" but you’re begging them too.

note - these pictures are from the Fat Actress premiere. This is Kirstie at her best. And I never even got into the Scientology.

Star Wars, Episode III

Hot lesbians have been known to trick me into a lot of things - joining Amway, smuggling pandas, burying that homeless guy in the desert - but I draw the line at watching ‘the OC’. But I will watch tonight to get a look at the world premiere of the Star Wars Episode III trailer. If you can't wait till tonight, and you think it's worth having a seizure, you can watch it here now. Despite this bad, obviously bootlegged copy, it still looks pretty damn impressive. Then again, that son of a bitch has fooled me before. And by ‘son of a bitch’, I mean David Blaine. Man that guy is good!

update - Feel free to reminisce by clicking the link above and getting that ‘flip cartoon in the corner of your grade school notebook’ vibe, but there are some really good mirrors up by now, some of the better ones here : in QuickTime, as a Torrent, or if you have AOL, you can go to StarWars.com.

Bruce Willis and Lindsay Lohan get gropey

Action hero Bruce Willis got some action of a different kind after the screening of his new blood-and-guts flick, "Hostage." At an after-after-party at the Peninsula Hotel early yesterday, Willis, who turns 50 this month, and teen queen Lindsay Lohan, 18, enjoyed a mutual gropefest. "At one point, Bruce had Lindsay's pants down far enough to reveal a tattoo that said 'La Bella Vista' (The Beautiful View) on her right cheek," says our spywitness. Eventually, Willis and a few friends, including Lohan, took the party upstairs to his suite.

I'm all for gossip, but there's no way this can be true. What would 49 year old Bruce Willis be doing with 18 year old Lindsay Lohan? It just doesn't make sense! I mean except for that whole sex thing...I guess that sort of makes sense.

Britney Spears poses topless for Allure

Britney Spears is planning to bare all for the cover of a US fashion magazine. The 23-year-old pop princess will appear topless, except for a necklace given to her by hubby Kevin Federline, for Allure magazine.

Did anybody anywhere think for an instant that Britney Spears posing topless actually meant that she would be posing topless? Because if they did then they're an idiot. And that's the end of that! Well except for the fact that the necklace Kevin Federline got for her is the ugliest piece of crap I've ever seen. It makes me sad that we live in a world where giving somebody a giant piece of crap qualifies as a respectable gift from husband to wife. Or should I say hobo to hobette? Because Britney Spears is clearly a hobette if ever I saw one. And if you don't know what a hobette is, maybe you should start making up words like me. Then perhaps your mother will start loving you again.

This video of Britney fully clothed is even hotter than the supposed topless photoshoot. Courtesy of Hedonistica.

the Red String is creepy powerful

On the front page of their web site, Kabbalah sells a piece of red string - seductively labled ‘red string’ - to be worn as a bracelet and protect its wearer from the Evil Eye. Sadly, I'm not joking. The site says, “Evil Eye is a very powerful negative force. It refers to the unfriendly stare and unkind glances we sometimes get from people around us. Kabbalah teaches that intrusive negative influences can be removed by using tools such as the Red String.”

Wow. Imagine that. Six inches of magic red string. For a very reasonable 26 dollars. Plus shipping. Plus the cost of learning how easily tricked you are by sham religions.

Needless to say, Britney signed right up. Strangely, I’m still able to make fun of her.

* note - it’s almost always a bad idea to make fun of someone’s religion, but when its as laugh out loud stupid as Kabbalah, I'll take my chances.