The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came out this week, which is as good a reason as any to dredge up the fact that supermodel Marisa Miller, who this year makes her fourth straight appearance in SI, began her career as a nude model for magazines like Perfect 10. Sadly - and I’m not proud of this - I sometimes use that against her when we quarrel. I know its not cool, but, dammit Marisa, since when does ‘medium’ mean ‘medium rare’! COOK IT AGAIN SLUT!
Nekid - and very obviously NSFW - pix after the jump.
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This story is pretty old but it showed up in the inbox and I’m too lazy to look up my own stuff. My intent was to post the funny picture and then call Affleck a dick for twenty minutes, but then I realized I don’t really think he is a dick. I know I’m supposed to hate him like everyone else, but how should he live this great life he’s been handed? Is he supposed to not bang Elektra when she shows up at his door. I can’t honestly say I've ever had sex with Jennifer Garner, but I have masturbated to this twice in the last 10 minutes. And I gotta tell you, it was pretty hot. Yeah, he's wildly overpaid and a little too proud of himself, but I’m an insufferable dick even without a hundred strangers and sycophants telling me how wonderful I am every day. I usually only get like ninety. Granted, they’re all imaginary, and one is a wily but noble Indian savage who doesn’t even speak English, but I’m pretty sure he’s a big fan.
In the most unsurprising story of the year, Linsdsay Lohan is a
lip syncing maniac. Although she doesn't jig quite as well as Ashlee Simpson, I think I prefer her insane flopping around. Something about the way she stomps in place and mouths her lyrics completely out of sync that really shows her range as a performer. I'm not sure where this video is from but judging by the crowd of 12-year old girls, I probably don't care.
Watch Lindsay Lohan Lip Syncing Video (wmv)
You may have noticed the site loading like a lump of peanut butter over the past 36 hours or so. At first I thought it was due to some sort of traffic surge, but after checking the stats there wasn't anything that could justify such a problem. Turns out the server was under a DoS attack which was doing all sorts of bad things. Anyways our host has dealt with the problem (hopefully for good) so everything should be sextastic now.
The beautiful and talented people who read this page started sending in the ‘Nicole Richie gets engaged’ story over the weekend, but I haven’t written anything yet because I’m completely out of ideas on how to insult this girl. What the hell am I supposed to say that would be more embarrassing than the stuff she already does. Even calling her a ‘dumb drunken whore’ seems under whelming, like drawing a frowny face on the Nazi flag. If you would have told me three years ago that we’d still be shackled with this idiot today, I would have punched you in the nuts and then tattled on you for being mean to me. But there she is. In my Inbox. So, you know what, to hell with it. If this guy is fired up about having sex with Cha-Ka for the rest of his life, God bless ‘em.
You know what Shannyn Sossamon, I don’t care how good looking you are, naming your kid Audio Science is a dumb idea. In fact, it probably borders on child abuse. The only one who is gonna come out of this healthy is me since I’m constantly entertained by idiots who insist on trying to give their kid some sort of identity by branding them with dumb names. The fact is, in eight years, that kids identity is gonna be “the dude getting his ass whupped cause he has a ridiculous name”. And, Shannyn honey, when little Audio walks in the door after that first day in junior high and he’s soaking wet and covered in graffiti written in spray paint, that’s your fault pumpkin.
Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid seem to the only celebrities who came off clean at this. They named their son Jack Henry. You see how that works. In eight years, when Audio Science is a dizzy lump face down in the mud, it’ll be Jack Henry walking away getting high-fives from his buddies. So in honor of Megs common sense, here are a bunch a pics of her when she was sill unthinkably sexy/cute and before she went insane with all the plastic surgery.
(and, yeah, I know this isn’t exactly news because it happened a year ago, but someone just pointed it out to me, so I hope you can still sleep at night.)
Thanks to Suzie for sending in these horrifying images of Britney Spears and adding five minutes to my masturbating tonight. And thanks to Britney too. It’s nice to see you smoking and drinking in front of your core audience of 12 year old girls. Maybe later you can go to Disneyland and rip off Mickey’s head. Or, you know what, fuck it, just go ahead and slaughter a unicorn right there on the deck. Dance in it's blood. Those kids are gonna cry themselves to sleep tonight anyway, why not just take thier innocence once and for all.
And, nobody asked, but these were taken at the Ritz-Carlton in Marina del Rey, where I used to work until they fired me for being too handsome. I’m not really sure why she would be hanging out there, but I don’t have a good explanation for why she put on two hundred pounds either.
More after the jump, even a high-res, which you probably think you want to see, but trust me, you don’t.
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Jennifer Lopez took the final bow at New York Fashion Week after debuting a collection that hit on some of the trends to look for next fall metallics, embellishment, high waists and loose shapes.
High waists and loose shapes? Looks like somebody is starting to accept their fat ass and has figured out that their best bet is to just cover it up. Or maybe fashion really is heading towards high waists and loose shapes, in which case we're all screwed. Hasn't society learned anything from the 80's? Namely that ugly looking crap looks ugly.
As part of their tribute to Black History Month, Starz is running Catwoman, which is a great choice cause that movie really gets to the heart of the black experience. They should probably only air it for the first two weeks of Black History Month since she’s only half black but I’m willing to overlook that because the film is that damn good. The movies only flaw is that no one ever seems to figure out that Halle Berry is Catwoman. She's the only sister in the whole damn town, but no one ever guesses that the hottie secretary who was all lips, hips and ass is also the hottie superhero who was all lips, hips and ass. Do people in that town see Halle walk away and think, "hey, there’s our only black girl," and then Catwoman would show up, "oh, I guess I was wrong." Especially since that mask only covered like 5 percent of her face. Sometimes I wear sunglasses and a hat, yet my friends still seem to recognize me. They don’t all faint and scream and point and say “it was you all along” when I take them off.
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