Scarlett Johansson

I really need to have my entourage arrange a meeting with Scarlett Johansson, because my crush on her is just about out of control. I’m actually a little surprised she hasn’t made the first move, because I’ve been downloading as much porn as I can and then masturbating, but, it turns out, that's not as enticing to the ladies as you might think. I don’t know if she’s just stuck up or what, but…

Wait, what? Oh, yeah, I guess I need to make this newsworthy, so I’ll just mention that she signed on to star in Mission Impossible 3 and then post some pictures.

More pix after the jump (Ha! Pix! With an ‘x’! Oh have you ever…)

Jack Osbourne Wants To Be Fireman

Reality TV star Jack Osbourne is giving up showbiz to become a firefighter in New York. "I'm enrolling on a firefighting course this summer in New York. I'm serious. It's something I've always thought about but now is definitely the time to do it."

Don't you have to be in pretty good shape to be a firefighter? Or at least not have the body of a giant walking potato? I think if Jack Osbourne showed up to fight my fire I'd start laughing. And then I'd kick him in the nuts for having terrible hair.

Marcia Cross Not Gay

"In response to the recent rumors about Marcia Cross, they are completely untrue," says a statement from Cross's publicist, Heidi Lopata Slan. "She is, however, very supportive of the gay and lesbian community."

Not like anybody cared anyways. The only lesbians I'm interested in are the hot ones. With big breasts. That pose for Playboy. And aren't lesbians. Wait, what?

Drew Barrymore Grows Hair

You wanna know what's more disgusting than being fat? Armpit hair. It's not even like Drew Barrymore was all that great to start out with but now she's just crossed over into totally disgusting. Sure she's cute and has the weirdest Jay Leno chin of all the female celebrities, but that's not enough to pull off letting your armpit hair grow out. Maybe if Gisele Bundchen did it okay. Whatever. She can do whatever she wants because she destroys civilizations with her beauty. Last time I checked, Drew Barrymore doesn't destroy civilizations with her beauty.

Read Drew makes a fuzz [The Sun]

Hilary Duff Condom Fake

These images have been making their way around the internet so I felt maybe I should point out that they're fake. Like I said before, I'm only interested in fakes that put penises on celebrities' noses. Otherwise, just forget about it. And I know some people must get off on the idea of Hilary Duff owning a condom, but that's just sad. She's underage and she's a giant rectangle. And nobody wants to have sex with an underaged rectangle. Except for me. But that's because I'm a real sick bastard.

Halle Berry Wears Expensive Shoes

For the Academy Awards, Halle Berry will be wearing a $1 million pair of shoes being loaned to her by Los Angeles designer Stuart Weitzman. The shoes are encrusted with more than 400 round and pear-shaped diamonds. Personally, I'm not sure I would be comfortable wearing shoes that cost more than my car. Or my house. My God those shoes are worth more than my damn house. What have I been doing with my life? *Sob sob*

Vanilla Ice Scared Of Girls

Vanilla Ice says he needed thousands of dollars in therapy to get over being stalked by a satanic chick, saying "One time, in Japan, we got to our hotel and there was a knock at my door, middle of the night, someone's left me a Satanic bible. I was freaking out. She then came up the fire escape, dropped to her knees, and was basically possessed by the Devil. I had nightmares about that for years." Pfft, that happens to me like twice a week. Vanilla Ice is such a wussy.

Nicky Hilton Holding Paris Back

Paris Hilton is worried that her less famous sister, Nicky, is bad for business. According to MSNBC, Paris and Nicky have made a deal to open a line of upscale retail stores that would sell Paris and Nicky products. However, sources say that now Paris thinks the business would be more profitable if her name was the only one on it. Maybe somebody should tell her that her business would be even more successful if she sold videos of herself having sex with midgets.

Carmen Electra Tips One Cent

Carmen Electra has been named the meanest celebrity tipper in a new survey conducted by Bitterwaitress.com. According to the site, the former Baywatch babe once left a one cent tip on a $38 bar bill at a nightclub in Atlanta. "She ordered a Sex on the Beach and sent it back three times saying it wasn't good," said a source at the club. That's weird, because everytime I have sex on the beach it turns out pretty good. Because of the orgasms, see.