Hilary Duff Condom Fake

These images have been making their way around the internet so I felt maybe I should point out that they're fake. Like I said before, I'm only interested in fakes that put penises on celebrities' noses. Otherwise, just forget about it. And I know some people must get off on the idea of Hilary Duff owning a condom, but that's just sad. She's underage and she's a giant rectangle. And nobody wants to have sex with an underaged rectangle. Except for me. But that's because I'm a real sick bastard.

Halle Berry Wears Expensive Shoes

For the Academy Awards, Halle Berry will be wearing a $1 million pair of shoes being loaned to her by Los Angeles designer Stuart Weitzman. The shoes are encrusted with more than 400 round and pear-shaped diamonds. Personally, I'm not sure I would be comfortable wearing shoes that cost more than my car. Or my house. My God those shoes are worth more than my damn house. What have I been doing with my life? *Sob sob*

Vanilla Ice Scared Of Girls

Vanilla Ice says he needed thousands of dollars in therapy to get over being stalked by a satanic chick, saying "One time, in Japan, we got to our hotel and there was a knock at my door, middle of the night, someone's left me a Satanic bible. I was freaking out. She then came up the fire escape, dropped to her knees, and was basically possessed by the Devil. I had nightmares about that for years." Pfft, that happens to me like twice a week. Vanilla Ice is such a wussy.

Nicky Hilton Holding Paris Back

Paris Hilton is worried that her less famous sister, Nicky, is bad for business. According to MSNBC, Paris and Nicky have made a deal to open a line of upscale retail stores that would sell Paris and Nicky products. However, sources say that now Paris thinks the business would be more profitable if her name was the only one on it. Maybe somebody should tell her that her business would be even more successful if she sold videos of herself having sex with midgets.

Carmen Electra Tips One Cent

Carmen Electra has been named the meanest celebrity tipper in a new survey conducted by Bitterwaitress.com. According to the site, the former Baywatch babe once left a one cent tip on a $38 bar bill at a nightclub in Atlanta. "She ordered a Sex on the Beach and sent it back three times saying it wasn't good," said a source at the club. That's weird, because everytime I have sex on the beach it turns out pretty good. Because of the orgasms, see.

Marcia Cross Is A Lesbian

Marcia Cross, the actress that plays Bree Van De Kamp on Desperate Housewives, is apparently a lesbian and will appear on the cover of The Advocate. Marcia reportedly has been in a long-term relationship with a brunette actress from another hit TV show, but she's yet to reveal her identity, making me think it's either somebody really ugly or possibly a superhero.

Nick Lachey Is Awesome

In an interview with Maxim Radio on arrival at the Super Bowl, Nick Lachey compared his wife Jessica Simpson to her dog. When asked what he thought of her new dog, Nick replied "She's spoiled and fat. That's right, spoiled and fat...just like its mom!" Classic! I don't know if anybody is still watching Newlyweds, but seeing Nick's burning annoyance with Jessica Simpson still cracks me up. The best is that look he gives when he just sort of stares at Jessica in disbelief. And also when he takes a dump. That's pretty good too.

Jennifer Garner To Pursue Other Goals

"I want a graduate degree, I want to be a business woman, an investment banker, a writer, a pianist. I really wish I could cook. I've never had specific goals in life. I don't say, 'I'd like my next step to be this', and then write it down and go after it. Actually, I don't write anything down. I just think things to myself and they actually start to happen. So watch out."

--Jennifer Garner on her career

Paris Hilton Free

Paris Hilton will not face any charges after allegedly stealing a copy of her sex video from a newsstand. Mind bogglingly, the Los Angeles County district attorney's office dropped the case due to lack of evidence, despite a damn security tape showing Paris stealing the DVD and ripping up a poster advertising it. She originally faced charges of petty theft and vandalism. News-stand employee Jerry Castro said at the time, "She threw her eighty cents change at me and took the video and said, 'I'm taking this and I'm not buying it.'" Really rekindles your faith in the whole justice system doesn't it?