Paris Hilton

When you look like Paris Hilton, you really have no choice but to pose for weird avant garde modeling shoots. She has the angular insect-like bone structure of most models, but she lacks the face that real supermodels like Gisele possess. Personally, I think she should give up trying to be a model and, once she gets her implants, just turn to a life of porn. She already has numerous sex videos in circulation, so it's clear that she would be quite successful in the business. Plus she would get paid for what she does anyways, having sex with weird creepy men.

View Paris Hilton Photos

Celebrities For Kerry

If you're not sure who to vote for in the upcoming election, you should probably just go with George W. Bush. This isn't to say that he's the better candidate or anything, it's just that voting against whoever Kirsten Dunst is voting for just seems like a good idea. Some people might have a problem with this logic, but that's because they don't understand that Kirsten Dunst is living evil. I mean sure, it's not the most informed way to make a decision, but if there's anything I've learned in my 84 years of experience, it's that prejudices and biases are totally awesome.

View Celebrities For Kerry @ [Fubar]

Arnold Schwarzenegger

I think it's safe to say that the governator is officially a fatass. Although he's still probably in better shape than most American males, the fact that it's Arnold 'I Will Crush Your Puny Body' Schwarzenegger just makes it seem worse than it is. Whereas a regular human being could pull off looking like a sack of potatos, you can't help but feel sorry when it happens to be Arnold. Seeing Mr. Universe look like this is just plain wrong. Almost as wrong as groping random women's breasts and making fun of their husbands' puny muscles. How wildly inappropriate, Mr. Governor.

*update: A number of readers pointed out that the picture of Arnold was actually taken right after his heart surgery in 2002 and before he started getting back into shape for the filming of T3. That's what I get for not doing my research, along with F's throughout college.

The Superficial News

- Cameron Diaz is one step closer to seeing a shutterbug from her past put on trial. Photographer John Rutter must show up Nov. 30 in Los Angeles to face criminal charges he forged Diaz's signature on a release form for some R-rated pictures the actress took before she was Hollywood's highest-paid actress. [Read]

- Naughty hotel heiress Paris Hilton was booed off stage as she tried to launch a pop career. [Read]

- Elton John criticized Madonna by publicly accusing the pop diva of lip-synching during her recent re-Invention Tour, E! Online reported Tuesday. [Read]

- [Lindsay Lohan's] now infamous father, Michael Lohan, pleaded guilty to assaulting a New York City sanitation worker and was sentenced to attend anger-management classes. [Read]

Paris Hilton

Ashlee Simpson

She's not as hot as her sister, but she's just as dumb. Maybe if she laid off the black hair dye and stuck with her natural (?) blonde hair, Ashlee Simpson would be a little more pleasing on the eyes. I've never understood the white woman's obsession with dying their hair pitch black, seeing as how it looks absolutely terrible and, no matter who you are or what you're wearing, it makes you look like a damn goth. And in case you think that being goth is cool, let me just remind you that it isn't and that you're an idiot if you think it is. The only person that can pull off goth is Angelina Jolie, and that's because she's so gorgeous that she could pretty much be dressed any which way and she would still look great. Giant diaper and shaved head? As long as it's on Angelina Jolie it probably looks wicked hot.

Paris Hilton

Looks like Miss Mantis Girl is finally sick of looking like an emaciated boy and has decided to make that delightful leap into womanhood. Although she had made previous claims that she would never get implants, Star Magazine reports that Paris has started cracking under the pressure of her big boobed peers and is considering surgery. When you're faced with Lindsay Lohan's ginormous melons in your face at all the parties you attend, it's only natural that you would start feeling inadequate. Paris says she only wants to go up to a B-cup but (God willing), the plastic surgeons will be able to convince her to go for the coveted DD. Can you even imagine a skinny girl like Paris with huge Pamela Anderson-like breasts? That would be the visual equivalent of a miracle. A really sexy miracle.

The Superficial News

- Justin Timberlake has been accused of cheating on Cameron Diaz, according to America's New York Post newspaper. [Read]

- Nick Carter's mum and twin sister have accused Paris Hilton of faking her bruises and have defended Nick against the allegations that he had beaten Paris. [Read]

- Married life for pop diva Britney Spears would start at a $6.9 million, eight-bedroom bungalow she has bought for her husband and herself in the beach town of Malibu. [Read]

- Hollywood movie star Janet Leigh, best known as the knife attack victim in Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho," has died at the age of 77, CNN reported on Monday. [Read]

- Boyband heart-throbs Simon Webbe and Lee Ryan left two lovers so Blue that the girls turned into lesbians. [Read]

- Actress Kate Winslet won't have plastic surgery despite saying her boobs look like 'the ears of a dog'. [Read]

Christina Aguilera